About Living from the Heart ~

We live by stories passed on for generations about who we are
and where we should be going. But these stories don't always let us live our best lives, because they aren't our personal legends.

Living from the Heart is about discovering our own stories. Choices with Intention. It is the journey to be true to ourselves and to dare to be all God and the Universe made us to be.

Monday, December 14, 2009

At the end of the day..i forgive, i let go, i am kind, i pursue my dreams despite criticism.. because i am doing it for MY evolution, to fulfil MY calling and purpose God put me here for..to stretch MY wings and fly.

If i don't forgive, it's ME who loses out the power to Love better. If i don't try, it's ME who loses peace of mind filled with "what ifs" and regrets.
It's not being Selfish.

Marianne Williamson and Paulo Coelho say rightly that we are afraid most of all of our own greatness..we are raised to be so self-conscious and our own sense of martyrdom appeals to us..to feel guilty about succeeding when so many around us are struggling.

But the truth is that only if we shine, can we become a candle in that dark room and shed light for EVERYONE else around to SEE as well..and awaken to the equal greatness they contain within - put there the day they were made by the Source that made them and you and me..and us all.. ♥

Self- Love is aligning with Source and daring to Live by the power we gain from that connection.
Selfishness is focusing on survival, shrinking away from that connection because we dare not trust in it or ourselves or others.

We do not do what is good because we have to. Because we are told to. Because we will suffer otherwise. No. We do what is highest good because we have WINGS, and what good are wings if we don't fly? We do what is highest good to feel the wind beneath our wings, to breathe in the beauty of being so high and free.. We do what is LOVING because it is what sets us FREE to BE the greatness we are meant to be~

Saturday, October 24, 2009

A Letter for My Heart

"I have found that there is one collective truth, that is that L
ove is at the very centre of all our existence. That Love is the opposing force to everything that makes 'us' be who we are, this being the ego, the illusion, a basis made of nothing but the opposing force to Love, this being fear." ~ My Dear Friend Dan Warb

Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Unity of Diversity

I noticed today a discussion where each person was putting forth a truth..a beautiful truth they had each discovered and in this discussion, there were so many various angles of the truth..that it almost seemed as if there was an invisible yet palpable, growing desire to find the 'actual' truth in everyone's truth..

Standing on the outside with the eyes of Acceptance open in my heart..i saw that it was actually amazing..all the valid disagreements and yet, all the unity and grace as everyone put forth their own view.

Isn't it amazing that there are so many perspectives of the same? So many different opinions of what truth is..

This is exactly why there are so many of us, all one Great Spirit and yet manifested as many unique soulprints..to bring diversity to this world as there are many colourful and diverse creatures in the sea.

The truth may just be that each of us sees a different angle of the same prism.. and each has to see only that angle for their unique placing in life's path And yet..one day we find another prism view, almost as if we are ready for it as it is ready for us..because we have evolved, our journey has brought us to a different landscape..

And so, all views could be true..for isn't that the true beauty of the Divine - it fits everyone beautifully and meets us right where our specific soul is?

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


Sometimes i can't think
i can't feel
i can't even breathe right

i need to rest

Pause, put on hold, take a break.

Even if it's from living my dreams.

Image: Mermaid taking a nap by Efira

Friday, October 16, 2009

Darkness is merely an absence of Light

"People cause suffering when they are suffering themselves. Alleviating their suffering will probably remove their inclination to create it for others" David Blaine

(works equally well for self and for others)

Where there is Fear, allow in Love.
Where there is Lack, identify an existing Abundance.
Where there is Judgement, opt instead to exercise Acceptance.

When i hand out these balloons, they make hearts LIGHTer..and life so much BRIGHTER

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Free Spirit

I love the way dandelions seem to just float off indefinitely..to me they are the perfect ambassadors of marrying freedom with trust.. they go for as long and as far as they can with a breeze and wherever they land, they give their all to grow. I like that attitude towards change. Life is full of change and if i can embrace them unafraid and with a willingness to work with it, i too can not just survive BUT thrive wherever i finally land ~

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Life is a Garden

i am the one doing the waiting..

many many little seeds around me
that's how i see life
when there are things i'd rather see happen NOW

i take a step back and reframe
that they are actually seeds or seedlings
and then
i can see how i should wait patiently
for Nature , the Universe, Love
to set the perfect pace
for everyone including me

most of all me

Friday, September 25, 2009

Making Time for Me

When life gets overwhelming..i enjoy being outside in nature or making friends with my feelings in a notebook..

Time spent just investing in me, brings great returns to everyone else in my life when i return refreshed and energised to once again be the best i can be.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Dealing with Pain

The more i live, the more i see that none of us have it easy and yet..none of us need to have it hard on ourselves either. It's all about finding the right mix/balance of self-love to give and receive. And the best we can all do is to affirm each other. I don't think in 'right or wrong', 'black or white' anymore..not after so much has hit me and so many people did more damage than good trying to judge before they supported. We all walk in different shoes, but a blister is a blister. They don't hurt differently just because they were caused by different shoes. So i don't ask anymore what shoe it was or why they wore the shoe..i just get the salve and band aids. They have enough pain dealing with the blister without me helping them focus on it even more.

Loving acceptance is going beyond judging, and coming from a place of compassion that acknowledges that pain is pain. There is no pain greater or lesser than another's. Is a 5 year old crying over spilt paint over her artistic creation in less pain than a man who has lost his job? Or are the consequences of a lost job just harder to deal with and so we grade it as a higher pain? Both need affirmation, both need understanding. Each person's pain is relative to their own capacity of dealing with it. To offer comfort and healing, is to offer love that does not 'grade' one person's pain over another's. We all hurt and bleed, and bleeding one pint or bleeding five pints is no less painful. Perhaps it is each person's threshold of pain that we actually judge..and if this is so, then perhaps it is the amount and administration of affirmation that differs. But in all instances, there is need for affirmation. And if this so, then perhaps it is easier to do away with judging altogether for what purpose does it really play in offering the support required? If it is to help me decide how much of my own time and effort to contribute, then isn't it far better for me to evaluate myself rather than the person receiving my care?

When i am in a place of self love and my own love tank is full, i can affirm and support others better. So in that sense, affirming others isn't about how much they 'deserve' it, but more about how i feel about myself and how much i have to give. All the more reason to love myself well. It truly is what makes me love others better. And for that matter, perhaps it is why i have learnt to embrace pain better..for when i learn to heal myself as an act of self love, it empowers me to affirm others through their inevitable pains too.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The Child in Me

I know what it is like to struggle with depression, for although on the surface it seemed that my life was enviable, i had so many buried griefs. In the last two years alone i have had to juggle the overwhelming emotional responses brought on (simulatenously) by the death of a key person in my life, the irreversible mental health diagnosis of another, as well as the responsibility of caring for a new life alongside the ongoing need to care for other little lives dependant on me. Without a clue on how to reach out for the emotional support i badly needed, and at a time when my self-esteem was at its lowest - i finally collapsed.

But what a blessing..the emotional wounds forced me to sink or swim. I had three small children so i HAD to swim and that’s how i found inner child healing. It turned out that i had much grief accumulated from childhood, and by going back and affirming the child that i once was, still in pain inside of me, i was able to start healing emotionally. It involved many tears, many painful episodes of anger and loneliness - the dark night of the soul - as i allowed many of the hurts to surface and be acknowledged. But being honest with myself was the most loving thing i did for myself and for the people i loved (although they could not always see it as so much negativity was pouring out from me). But eventually..after all the hurt was allowed, good memories of my past suddenly started appearing and becoming clearer as if they had actually been trapped beneath all the layers of pain above them. I started feeling genuinely good about life and believing in the inherent good in people again.

So now, i continue to love my inner child and be honest with my feelings by allowing them space to be acknowledged. Just like my children need to both grieve and receive comfort when they get hurt or sad by their own choices or by others, i have learnt to accept that i too have that same need in dealing with my own hurts and griefs, both self-imposed and those caused by the choices of others. It isn't easy, given the years of conditioning i've had to be critical and 'tough' on myself both as a child and even more as an adult, but i'm learning well, spurred on by how good it feels to be able to breathe freely again.

In all of us there is a child, and that child never goes away. Loving that child is the key to so much healing and a greater horizon of happiness ~

Thursday, August 6, 2009

The Forgiveness Factor

Lately i have been looking at the thin line between selfishness and self-love..it can be tricky for some to self love without becoming selfish ..and yet to genuinely self love actually enables me to become self-less in a more giving way

I think this is the magic in life..
two sides of the same coin
but facing it the right way up
is the only way up that opens the lock

I'm in a very dense relationship and it keeps holding me back from being the true free spirit i am ..but it's where my soul has chosen to be, to perfect a karmic lesson it needs to learn..
and it seems to come down to one simple thing..forgiveness.

It keeps everything simple to recognise that since we are all ONE..we all inevitably err..and instead of overanalysing or being too hard on ourselves (or others)..we can choose to recover quickly and move back to JOY

forgiveness.. another face of compassion
another name for LOVE

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

It's MY Life

Is it really good practice to just live MY own life? To mind MY own business and do MY own thing?

In many ways, it is. For we are all unique, each on a road no other could ever travel or comprehend. And so, the values and principles i choose to live by are based on MY truths that are unique to my own set of circumstances and constraints in life.
And yet, isn't it possible to take these words as a license to do as i please without a true heart of compassion or realisation to the fact that, whether by form or by spirit, we are all truly connected in word, deed and thought to one another? It follows then that every choice i make impacts others whether i dare to admit it or not..

Yes, i can Live MY Life..but

and all that i choose to say and do and think and feel
like a ripple............
reaches the farthest shore from me

Yes, i can Live MY Life..but

living from my heart
i choose to affirm
and uphold another
by choosing every word and deed
with LOVE
rather than justice

for every ripple from another
responding to my choices
reaches right back
to me.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Living My Dreams

"Enjoy the journey for we never arrive.." ~ Dan Warb

My friend Dan said this to me today. He called me a clever girl first which completely made him my favourite man of the day of course, but it's what he said after that truly spoke to my heart.

Yes, life is a journey and there is NO DESTINATION.

I have spent the past week wondering where i want to go from here..having accomplished all my dreams that i dreamt as a teenager.

Dan's words make me wonder..if perhaps, the next part of my dreams are to just live at random, from my heart..guided only by LOVE.
After all, i've spent the first 30 years guided by reason, in complete logical practicality and it's become a hard habit to break. I'm sure if i throw in some animal instinct in the mix and find a right balance, i'm sure to come out a winner.

Maybe that in itself is the new dream..

Going by the truth ringing in Dan's words..i think i could from now on wake up everyday with a new dream.
And never have to worry about whether i'm getting closer to yesterday's dream..as long as daily.. I HAVE A DREAM.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Let Go and Dance

Sometimes when you've reached the end, you just need to LET GO. At some point, we realise that we really can't ever have control of anything and that life is a tune that plays regardless of our preference for the music. We just learn to stop trying to change the music, or staying off the dance floor in a sulk and start learning to dance instead. It's not giving in or giving up - it's accepting. Accepting isn't defeat. It's wisely adjusting your sails according to the wind so you keep moving forward.

It's a self-loving thing to do..to ALLOW ourselves to seem weak and accept what we don't want. Truth is, it takes far more courage to let go and accept, and then to grow and flourish despite the setbacks..

And eventually, you realise that you can dance quite well and that the music itself doesn't matter anymore. But the only way to get there is to get up and dance, regardless of the music.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Caring is NOT worrying about Others

"What is an “Act of Caring?” It is a simple two step process which always begins with Step One: Paying Attention to the Needs of Someone or Something. This means to watch and listen with your ears, your mind and heart in order to determine someone else’s needs. Step Two: Giving. Give to the person (or thing) in order to help them feel secure and to grow and evolve, to become more of who they are. To care for yourself is also a vital component to your own happiness and when you identify and pay attention to your own needs and respond to yourself in order to feel more secure and to grow you are caring for yourself.

Caring is not worrying about others. It is about genuine concern and responding to needs in order for growth to occur. It is.. caring that allows the Soul’s love to awaken and solve the problems, heal the confusion and end the pain."
~Michaiel Patrick Bovenes

So, Caring is NOT worrying about others. It is responding to another's need in order to enable them to become more of who they are. Not who i think they could be, or who they may become, or who i need them to be.
And how do i know if there has been genuine caring?
If Love then flows into the other being (or into myself) on its own accord, and the being then becomes ENABLED to deal with life with their own God-given birthright-store of inner wisdom and life-giving intuition.

What a beautiful truth i can accept today and set not just myself, but so many others free with as i start CARING the way caring is meant to be ~ <3

artwork by Stephanie Law

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Slowing Down Isn't Regressing

I am alone now at last as my angels are asleep. I love them dearly, but would be dishonest not to admit that lately i have been struggling inside to store my heart-powered wings away to attend to their earthly needs. I have been making so much progress on the journey of my heart..and to have to slow down feels almost like i am giving up and losing out on chances i may never gain again. Thus begins the struggle within me.

How easy it is for us to feel negative whenever we are growing in strides, and then find ourselves slowing down or even halting. And gradually, it breeds the feeling of failure. But then redemption comes when i remember that after a long walk through beautiful landscapes, the best thing to do at sunset is to rest for the night and dwell back on the pleasantness of the day, basking in the shadow of the beauty i have personally encountered once more in my heart and mind as i unwind for the night. It is not weakness to turn in for the night and enjoy the stars and seek comfort for my body.. it is the most natural thing to do after a long day out playing.

Why do we feel that we need to maintain an accelerated, or at the very least a steady pace at all times when the going is good? Why the disappointment when the pace eases up, when we need to slow down? I think maybe it is the fear of regression or of missing out that is the true struggle. Times like this i need to switch from feeling a failure to accepting that there is a season and rhythm for every part of life, a time and a purpose for every activity under heaven. And if that is so, then i am not missing out on the rose in winter, but merely accepting that she appears only in summer. Yes, slowing down isn't regressing. And going with the flow sometimes means letting go of the heaven i build around my expectations to really be able to make a heaven with the actualities i find on earth.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Fading Vision

you are strong
like me
my twin flame
we are daisies that flourish wherever we land
cats that always always
land on our feet
and depend on many senses
not just one
and mainly our heart
to not just survive but thrive

yes, i would stare hard at my precious gifts for the longest time
and etch every detail in my memory
and so know that you are taking in as much of your gift as you can

i think that's where my tears are coming from
a mother's heart
for another mother

~ for my darling friend Catherine who is slowly losing all ability to see due to Ocular Albinism..i know you will rise above this and turn the darknes into amazing light as your inner beauty always does, but i cry all the same for the Dark Nights of Faith in between now and then ~

Monday, June 22, 2009

Affirmation Versus Loving Admonishment

The world seems full of duality. In seeing everything in duality we define life as as good and bad, pleasure and painful, united and separated. What if we see it as merely Ying and Yang? Two sides of the same coin? To walk away from the 'right' path and suffer pain, is it truly 'bad'? Or merely consciousness versus unconsciousness? We talk of pain being necessary for growth. We talk of darkness being necessary to appreciate light. How do we know the beauty of one end of the spectrum without allowing the other? I am on this journey now.

I spent 10 years in church faithfullly learning to see black vs.white, good vs.bad. Hearing messages of love balanced with admonition to stay on the path. But what is 'the path'? We see one man's ruin, but 10 years on he may be a totally different person, far more loving than before as a result of his suffering. The world will say he finally returned to 'the path'. But what if it was his own individual path from the start and the seeming deviation in my eyes was merely part of his road to take him to his personal destination. I may not prefer the same road but does that make that road 'wrong/bad'?
Both my husband and father are examples of men categorised as 'unwise'. And i was filled with pain looking at them from a duality view of 'good' vs 'bad' choices. But only after removing duality could i see that they both have their own wisdom and that life had to be that way for them and that no wrong road was ever wrong in the end. It was wrong for me in my shoes, but it need never turn out bad in the end IF we have love, affirmation and those walking alongside us who KNOW that each of us have Shadows we cannot escape and need not fear those shadows. Embracing those shadows, even if it be the trait of being slow to meet wisdom on her terms, is what makes us whole and connected to each other. How many times now have i frozen my opinions on my daughter's choices that seemed unwise to me only to be so glad later that i did. With my love and affirmation, what seemed a 'wrong/bad'poor' choice of hers turned out good BECAUSE she had me there to love her through it and that awakened her to meet wisdom eventually.

I am left wondering, after
many years of having to be healed of the scarring effects of duality thinking in my childhood and later in church , if it's possible for there to be only messages of love and affirmation that AWAKEN consciousness rather than promote duality. And enlightened mind can easily see the words that sound admonishing but has hidden pearls in it, but simpler minds only see the admonishment and their hearts are not fed.

Even as i share this, i know that we are all different and while many can be happy with the encouraging messages framed in duality, my heart sees a need for these lovely messages to be also 'translated' in a non-dual affirming way for the too many people out there scarred by a century of ego-based upbringing and systems and are thirsty for affirmation after years of 'loving admonishment'. They can fly but are too afraid because they've been warned far too much of the 'dark side' they must beware of. Time to tell them - "Believe and Jump! Your heart is pure and that's all God sees. He won't let you fail because darkness and light are alike to him and even if you have a fall and get bruised, it's not the end. It's part of the adventure." No admonishment, just affirmation that erases all possibility of fear so they can dare to LOVE and LIVE their dreams.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Giving by Being Authentically Me

I so liked this. I need to remember that the best giving i do is just being my true self.
No more, no less.
All else is just me being UNTRUE.

"What Are Your Gifts You Bring To The World?
by Catherine Love

What are your gifts you bring to the world? We each have gifts to offer; ways of being, skills, talents, personality traits and so on that arise naturally from our authentic selves. At times it's easier to focus on what we're missing, on our defaults, or on what we don't have in comparison to others. This perspective goes against our highest truth so depletes us and makes us feel small. When we become aware of what we do have to give we feel full and whole.

Sharing your gifts with others, no matter how small or large, is an expression of love and abundance.
You might not be aware of what your gifts are, but know deep inside that you are giving whenever you interact with others from true self. It might be your welcoming smile that warms someone's heart, or your sense of humour that brightens their day.

Perhaps you have the gift of clear communication that makes connecting so easy, or a gentle touch that helps someone feel loved. Maybe you listen from your whole being so others feel truly heard. It might be a skill that you offer like organizing details, planning events, or researching subjects. You may have a talent for creating beauty through art, music or words. Whatever it is, acknowledge it and share it with the world."

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The Natural Link

Love in My Mother's Embrace

I will go into an open field.

There I will lay down upon the ground,
my arms open wide
and stare up at the sky.
I will see clouds forming shapes my mind cannot recognise.
I will smell the perfume of weeds and grass
crushed beneath my muscle and bones...
and while it will be familiar
it will bring no memory
of the hustle of my life
behind closed doors and concrete walls.

I will gradually see the colours around me
blend into each other...
sensing everything and yet nothing in particular.

And as I gradually dissolve
into nothingness of consequence
I will become
the very essence of the universe
~ an accepting abundant love.

When i am most overwhelmed, being out in nature so restores me. And i have heard the same of so many others who seem to gain a calming, restoring sense of well-being when they go to a place in nature that is greater than themselves. When i feel tired of my daily routine, a visit to the park refreshes me. When i am overwhelmed by endless caregiving, a trip to the forest in all it's wild disarray works better - almost as if my mind finally recognises something far greater than it can ever handle and backs off, leaving my soul the space it has been needing to finally breathe clearly.

The more 'lost' i feel inside, the greater the natural element i need to calm my inner tempest. Perhaps that's why the ocean is my ultimate soothing balm of nature. When i stand on the fringes of the ocean, i know there is no way i could ever be in control. My mind is defeated by the truth that i am finally facing a force so great, and a peace washes over my heart..of accepting that the mighty force before me is governed by a Love so great that it holds the ocean in place. Surely it is doing just as well, holding me.

Starting Over

I've been thinking a lot about my relationships lately. In fact, i have spent the past year evaluating everything in my life.

I have questioned God. Family. Love. My marriage. My children. Everything. EVERYTHING.

It has certainly been an exhausting undertaking. Much like uprooting an entire garden and re-landscaping from scratch. Except it's an easier process when you aren't hanging on to any of the old plants in it. It's more difficult when you have existing plants you can't and don't want to get rid off. When it's a completely new garden patch, it's just blank soil. You can plant whatever, wherever you want. But a garden that is being re-done has plants that need to be carefully re-located or appropriately left where they are. I WOULD like to start over AS IF it's my first day on the planet except it's not - not when i already have existing relationships and along with them accompanying beliefs, values and responsibilities that cannot be merely discarded in pursuit of a new direction in my life. And so I've had to work through everything and rediscover the right place for the old plants in my new garden landscape.

Having spent the first 20 years of my life in an authoritarian setting, reacting and responding to the choices of those in charge of my wellbeing, i had developed a habit of looking outside myself for approval and acceptance before deciding if something was permissible or beneficial. But more often than not this had led me to spend a good many years tending to weeds and over-growth from choices that were more compromises than my true desires. Once i saw that clearly, i decided that this habit had to be the very first to go..even though it seemed to be the backbone of my belief system.

It was scary at first, going against all i had ever known. But gradually, with every breath that became lighter within me, it became easier. And gradually it also made easier the task of sifting out all the other parts of me that no longer fit into my new garden. I look back now with a sense of understanding to it all. No more hurts, regrets and guilt. I am no longer ignorant of the vital personal need to draw healthy boundaries even with the people i love most. And in fact, having the ability to define my own garden has allowed me to get better at giving others the space to define their own gardens too.

Yes, I've been thinking a lot about my relationships lately. In fact, i have spent the past year evaluating everything in my life. And today, i know exactly where i stand - at the threshold of a beautiful garden i can truly call my own, a haven for my God-given soul. I am comfortable in my own skin at last, for finally..it contains all that is genuinely ME.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” ~ Maria Robinson

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Real Life Fairytales

Why do we seem to think troubles mean the end of a fairytale or that because of troubles and pain, there are no fairytales in real life?
We have selective amnesia.

It's part of every fairytale - the poisoned apple, evil stepmothers, dragons and ogres. But we tend to forget all that and just remember the happy starts and the happy-ever-after endings. I think we could all benefit greatly from reminding each other of the "betweens" in fairytales. To be unscared to proclaim that difficult parts exist alongside and before the eventual happy ever afters. Because once we can accept that fairytales have troubled parts, we can then accept and reinstate the magic of fairytales in our minds. We then gain the amazing power of once more allowing ourselves to believe that we can have the happy endings our hearts long for.

And for days when we can't look to fairytale Cinderella and the bullying she endured for inspiration to keep believing in a happy ending, we can turn to all the real men and women of history who made it through doubt and persecution to their dreams. Men like Gandhi and Albert Einstein. Women like Florence Nightingale and Oprah Winfrey. It's all too easy to see their successful dreams, or their 'easy' lives and forget their difficult 'betweens'. We forget and thereby deny ourselves the gift of believing that somehow the power that sustains all life - the great Universal Love - is also able to take us, just like them, to our happy ever afters IF we just keep on believing.

Yes, I will still have pain, but I don't need to believe it's the end. From now on I'm going to build my fairytale muscle, and Cinderella's wise words are a good start: "No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dreams that you wish..will come true."

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Companionship for a Healthy Heart

"Unconditionally loving yourself means allowing yourself to develop loving relationships where mutual cooperation, not competition or contention, becomes your daily reality." - Owen Waters

There was a pot in the garden with a lotus in it. The lotus wasn't very healthy so it was taken out and the pot drained of all the rotten leaves and roots and sediments. When the pot was pristine, fresh water was poured in. And when the last ripple settled, it was pure peace in that pot. Clean, fresh and still. And the lotus was lovingly returned to the pot. It was happy now. And grew to be very healthy indeed.

All the cleaning was tiring.

All the sediments were rotten and stank.
But the cleaning was eventually done. The dirt was all cleared out and never seen again.
And that was that.

Sometimes, my life is like that pot. I have frustrations, hurts and fears that lay rotting at the bottom of my heart. I seem fine on the surface. I laugh, i smile and i carry on as usual. But the sparkle is gone from my eyes and i start to feel more tired of everything i do, including all that i actually love doing. It is then that i need to clean my pot. But i delay and postpone. I know that i will have to deal with rot and stench, so i procrastinate. Believing even that perhaps someone who loves me enough will do it for me. I even pray for God to do it for me. Yet the pot is my own heart, and no one truly has access to change it's health but me.

But being the only one able to do the job isn't the same as actually doing the job alone. Just because i can't have someone do it FOR me doesn't mean i can't have someone WITH me while i'm doing it. I certainly can gain from the company of someone who can give me relevant gardening tips or just someone to have a good chat with and distract me from focusing on the worst parts of the rot i'm removing. Sometimes, just someone who knows how to mix a refreshing lemonade works magic. I suppose whether i truly need or will accept company depends on whether i feel brave enough to expose the filth i am getting rid off, and the actual severity of the accumulated rot. Who wants to air dirty laundry? But even when we do get brave enough to, lesser still are the people willing to view it.

If you have ever hitch-hiked, you would have learned, like me, that often only the oldest cars and the shabbiest people ever stop. Scary as it may seem to accept offers from such people, it's also that these people are probably the ones who can most empathise with having to make a journey on foot through rough roads. And so in times of heart-cleaning episodes, i find it is the equally wounded or those that recall having been as wounded who are most willing to accompany me. I guess this must be the concept behind support groups for those in need of emotional healing. It's a circle where everyone accepts that we all get dirty through life. So we can just be done with the damaging habit of judging everyone including (and often mostly) ourselves, and get on with the far more rewarding habit of affirming and encouraging each other forward through the muck.

My heart is very much like a pot hosting a lotus plant. And any pristine pot, as long as it hosts a growing organism in it, will eventually need to be cleaned of organic decay. It's nature and i don't need to be embarassed by it. The cleaning process is never truly pleasant, but as awful as the accumulated sediments can get, it all goes away for good the moment i let go. My heart is then refreshed, and i can once again view life with the quiet peace and joy of a lotus in full bloom. And while it's true that i'm the only one who can clean up my heart from it's contaminations; a beloved, a kindred or just a kind soul to accompany me through that process without judgement really does make a difference. And so, in my quest for a healthy heart, i'm building more affirming relationships in my life. Because although i can't have someone create a healthy heart for me, i can certainly create a circle of affirming hearts around me while i'm doing it. And also because i like lemonade and a nice chat.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Wisely Carefree

When i was a child, i was naive. That innocence made it possible for me to try dangerous things, live in the moment free of care and dream anything. Almost. I was more self-conscious and afraid than most kids as i was a deeply sensitive child. So my carefreeness was always a tad moderated. But i see in my comrades who were far more carefree than me as kids, an equal struggle and inability to remain childlike as the years have progressed.

Why have i gradually lost the ability to dream and to believe in those dreams enough to make them happen? It's ironic. When i was a kid i was always limited by my size, my understanding, my finances, my relationships. I couldn't wait to grow up and get beyond personal limitations and explore the world's menu. Yet now that i am a grown up, i find myself still limited. But by what?
I think by my own perceptions.

We grow up and learn a mountain is a mountain, label it as a tough climb and then stack up logical reasons why we can't do it after all. So we don't start the climb and shelve even the dream of climbing. Can't do it so why dream about it? But then a kid who doesn't do logistic studies and climbs the mountain with carefree enthusiasm, unprepared for altitude challenges and climate adaptation requirements will also fail to get over that mountain.

Childhood is a time of innocence, but is accompanied by ignorance due to that innocence. Adulthood is a time of knowing, but is accompanied by fear due to that knowing.
And so i begin to see that perhaps it is marrying innocence with knowledge that makes mountains conquerable.

Somewhere in life, after collecting enough years of innocence and enough years of knowing is a fulcrum point of balancing the two and reaching blessed equilibrium. An equilibrium that merges the ability to dream like a child with the ability to skillfully use available resources and knowledge gained from life experiences to overcome our feared obstacles and perceived limitations. Wise Carefreeness is what makes dreaming possible again as adults. And Wise Carefreeness is what makes those same dreams come true.

The next time i feel intimidated by logical reality in my adult mind, or regret not being able to feel impulsive with a child's heart, i am going to take a step back and affirm myself with this truth: i have lived long enough as a child and as an adult to finally be Wisely Carefree which is really the ability to combine the best of both heart and mind.

And since i am no longer a limited kid nor a scared adult, i can at last personally afford whatever the world has to offfer on it's amazingly endless menu of possibilities.


Saturday, April 25, 2009

The Power of Letting Go

It appears to me that men get lost in the roles they play competing with one another in their quest to succeed and gain personal worth. Women on the other hand seem to get lost in the roles we play in the relationships we build, in our equally important quest to find personal value.
In either case, getting lost in our roles and finding our identity in them is perhaps what makes us feel so empty in the end. Roles are jobs. Categorised tasks. I wonder why we think our worth is tied to how well we perform these categorised tasks.

My heart does not rejoice when a friend or lover can carry out their job to perfection. My heart rejoices when someone cries with me, when they laugh wholeheartedly or throw me off balance with their gentle touch on my shoulder or squeeze of my hand.

These are not categorised tasks and are basic to every soul. It's why people love babies who, hopeless to perform any job well, are still experts at just living in the moment and by loving intuition. They watch ants crawl by with fascination and reach out to grab your nose without thinking too much about whether it's accepted protocol. They live from their heart every waking moment. It's all they know. To just be, because they haven't yet fallen to the pressure of doing anything to be a success, and to be accepted.

So i come back to me. And all my roles and tasks that i start off doing with love, with passion and then it all fizzles out. I find myself exhausted from the giving, from the routine, from the constant juggling. And every relationship i build to break away from the humdrum seems to eventually add to the miles i need to walk. Men go from Hero to Zero. Women i guess go from Goddess to Grumps.

I need to let go and just be. I am after all called a Human BEing and not a Human DOing. But sometimes that only happens when i actually break down. I don't enjoy breaking down though. As cleansing as it can prove to be, i would like to learn to walk on an open path towards light and not always through a dark tunnel.

I think when a Goddess realises she CANNOT anymore, it is not weakness. It is wiseness.It is how she can continue to gain power to remain a Goddess while other women keep going believing they are one and break down

When i forget who i AM
and find myself continously
one task after another
one thought after another
and i find that i can no longer even choose
to pause and breathe
without a conscious effort
then i have lost myself in the roles i play daily
and i need to quit
and just

I will rejuvenate the waters of my soul
just watching grass bend over while a breeze blows by
knowing at that moment my spirit
is in that blade of grass
the same spirit in the wind
seeing the truth
that i am more than the sum of my parts
and to rest from all i have to do
is not weakness
and is not escape
but a return
to all
i am
meant to be.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Hope and Affirmation

Hope is the willingness to stay and wait for rain in a part of the desert where everyone else has left for greener pastures. It is believing that - despite everyone's else skepticism, criticism and disbelief - the God who made the desert and allowed the draught will eventually also send showers.

But hope is also behind the ability to leave the desert, believing that there are greener pastures and not only deserts even though that's all that meets the eye for now, and that God will guide them to it.

So what is hopelessness then? I see it as those who debate and argue about whether to stay or leave the desert and take it to the damaging step of discouraging both those who have chosen to stay or leave by casting doubts rather than affirmations.

Which is why i have learnt to value affirmation and encouragement above all else in human relationships. If i do not have 5 people around me whom i can affirm and be affirmed by at any one time, I make every effort to find them. It's the only way i can live a continued Life of Love.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Baring It All

I stumbled upon this poem today. It is so vivid, the way the poet paints a picture of how to bare our emotions and souls. Who hasn't had vulnerabilities and complexities in a romantic relationship? I certainly have and can completely relate to this masterpiece and it's message about the freedom to love again...

Emotinal Nudity by Danyel Hunte Fludd

Take your soft and loving hands and
Remove the mantle of mistrust from my shoulders.
Softly unbutton the silken gown
Of regret from my skin.

Come my love and remove the veil
Of heartache from my face and
Kiss these lips that were ordained only for you.

Confiscate the jewels of deception from
My arms neck and ears-discard my fears.

Feel the fabric of the chemise
Of my misgivings and set me free from it..

Kiss my naked shoulders honeyed with newfound faith
Liberated from doubt and the threat of neglect and obscurity.

My darling go further south and
Remove the thongs of this world's
Hatred and prejudice from my hips and slide
Them slowly down to the floor where they can be no more.

Undress me until I am stripped bare of
The world's evil and tainted essence until like
The day of my birth, I emerge beautiful untouched- unpoisoned.

Let this nude son and daughter of Adam & Eve stand
Before you liberated from the negative-
Pure and positive and free to melt into your loving embrace.

"Fear wraps our bodies in clothing--Love allows us to stand Naked" ~ Neale Donald Walsch

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Spring Cleaning

Spring cleaning. I'm spring cleaning. All the clothes my girls have outgrown are being reorganised and the littlest ones are being given away. I have no more little ones coming along to wear them. I keep some of the nicer ones and definitely some baby clothes that have too many precious memories attached. They have kept three of my infants protected and sometimes just plain pretty and i want to hold them when my girls will be too old for me to cuddle close to my heart.

It's so easy to spring clean children's clothes. They don't fit very well anymore in a highly visible manner. Not so easy to do the same for adult clothes and for the items in my home that never expand or shrink in size to make them a physical misfit.

Which makes me wonder, how much have i outgrown? And more importantly, how much of them are still lurking around me? If i could put them on, like a child putting on a shrunken sweater, wouldn't i look rather ridiculous? Uncomfortable at the very least.

So i decide to go through everything - photographs, clothes, books, paintings, appliances, letters, cards, shoes, cutlery. EVERYTHING.

And as i go through it all, i find myself walking down memory lane for each thing i hold - something i didn't want but had to take, something i really wanted but ended up having a fight about, something i thought i liked but hardly ever used, something i really really don't want to be near because i really can't stand THAT memory. So much of me is in all these items, but not necessarily a good side of me. And that's when i realise that i have outgrown my weak moments, bad memories, mistakes, failures and even regrets. And all the things that have some form of connection or symbolism, even in the most minute way, to any of these negativities that i have outgrown - i must let go off and i put them away gladly.

Some items in my pile are items i have had fond memories of and have a tough time saying goodbye to. Much like a favourite dress my daughter can no longer wear and passes on to her younger sibling with a sigh. I have to part ways with them simply because they are no longer relevant where i am heading to from this point on. So i say 'thank you' and put them away with resolution.

And when the time comes to finally and permanently remove these items from my home, i find a great space left in my closet, on my shelves, in my rooms. But most of all in my heart.

My heart is lighter. Very much lighter.

I think it's the relief of putting the negative trophies of my past permanently behind me.
I think it's also the excitement of having gained the freedom in my life for many new possibilities - within and without.
But most of all, it's finding myself, at last, living completely in my NOW and along with this powerful change, all the space i need to usher in a fresh season of my life.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Off Days

Some days, i feel quite empty. I know i can write, i could talk to someone, i could read , i could even watch an interesting movie..but i don't. For some reason, i just feel far too distant, or too drained to do any of them, and instead i do... laundry. I sweep the floor, wipe the counter top and put away the dishes.

I get on facebook and i go blank. So many people around me and yet i feel...lonely.

All the people, places, things... they all become an overwhelming conglomerate of needs and feelings and mish-mashed energy sources and drains.

These are days i think that my heart is warring with my mind and I'm not taking sides.

These are days when it's someone outside of me - a friend,a lover, a stranger even - touches my heart and then suddenly the balance shifts. A smile, a picture, an affirmation or just plain being in the presence of someone else who is following their heart frees me to feel again. My heart wins, and my mind surrenders it's programmed hold on me.

This is the human touch. The power of LOVE.

It is the reason why i need to stay connected to the people and the world around me, if only for the days when i lose touch with myself. But i think also, to be available for the days when those around me get derailed and need help with their heart-mind battles too.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Growing Pains

If i were never defeated, I would never know how to get up
If i were never grieved, i would never know how to soothe the pain and survive through it
My pain makes me human enough for my heavenly soul to touch the earth..
and connect to others around me meaningfully.

So if my wish is to connect with others and be a part of the whole - surely..
I will experience pain. But not as a punishment or as a torture.
Merely as a means to gain a greater space in my heart..for more than just me.

Love.. has so many faces. I'm still learning them all.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

I don't have to know it all..

I spent my early years of mothering trying to answer every childish question. My daughter was new to the planet and naturally had a healthy dose of curiosity. However, she is hitting 9 this year and i have no one but myself to blame for her tendency to question everything. But that's still okay really. It's that she just shoots off questions without thinking whether it's worth asking or not that irks me. When my second daughter developed the same annoying tendency, i knew i had to do something to keep sane.

And that's when it dawned on me that in life, it's not whether i have all the answers. Because like my kids, i could be asking useless questions and filing away unnecessary information. And then i also realised that it's not actually possible to have all the 'right' answers because the world and it's thousand variables keep evolving, and lately at an alarming rate too. I can't keep up anymore. And honestly, i don't think my kids could or should either. After all it's not exactly that impressive to walk around with a smug know-it-all attitude because on most days, people aren't really even asking.

And that's when it really hit me. Who's asking? Asking. Questions. QUESTIONS.
Suddenly it became clear to me that it doesn't matter as much how good i am at giving answers as it is for me to be able to ask good questions.

If i can ask good questions, i won't have to worry about information overload. Not if i can ask myself how much i really want to know and more importantly, why i need to know that much. I won't have to feel out of place. Not if i know how to ask the people around me interesting and enlightening questions about them to learn what makes them tick so i can adapt better. I won't have to worry anymore about feeling unloved. Not if i can ask myself how i really want to feel valued and know the right way to ask others for the affirmation i need. Asking good questions suddenly appears to be a far more fetching skill than having good answers tucked away for a rainy day.

Naguib Mahfouz aptly hit upon the same discovery i had made when he said, "You can tell a man is clever by his answers. You can tell a man is wise by his questions."

Indeed. I wonder if Mr.Mahfouz stumbled upon it after his nerves were shot by over-zealous children as well.

Anyway, so these days i've stopped scrambling to find all the answers in life to pass on to my children, or for myself for that matter. I've quit trying to teach them all i know. Instead, i ignore them if they ask bad questions and ask them specific open ended questions in reply to their good ones. After all, my best lessons in university were taught by teachers who asked the better questions. I think now that maybe both my children and i are better off developing self awareness of our own needs and requirements, which can only come from being able to honestly ask oneself and the world, tough yet meaningful questions.

I did have some resistance when i first unleashed my Socratic method on them, but they seem to have caught on quite well. I think they may even come and thank me much later in life. Maybe even sooner than later because i do now recall overhearing my second daughter stopping herself in mid-question just the other day to say, "never mind, i won't ask bad questions." That seemed pretty self aware to me. And yes, i don't get so irked anymore. Mission accomplished.