The Child in Me

I know what it is like to struggle with depression, for although on the surface it seemed that my life was enviable, i had so many buried griefs. In the last two years alone i have had to juggle the overwhelming emotional responses brought on (simulatenously) by the death of a key person in my life, the irreversible mental health diagnosis of another, as well as the responsibility of caring for a new life alongside the ongoing need to care for other little lives dependant on me. Without a clue on how to reach out for the emotional support i badly needed, and at a time when my self-esteem was at its lowest - i finally collapsed.

But what a blessing..the emotional wounds forced me to sink or swim. I had three small children so i HAD to swim and that’s how i found inner child healing. It turned out that i had much grief accumulated from childhood, and by going back and affirming the child that i once was, still in pain inside of me, i was able to start healing emotionally. It involved many tears, many painful episodes of anger and loneliness - the dark night of the soul - as i allowed many of the hurts to surface and be acknowledged. But being honest with myself was the most loving thing i did for myself and for the people i loved (although they could not always see it as so much negativity was pouring out from me). But eventually..after all the hurt was allowed, good memories of my past suddenly started appearing and becoming clearer as if they had actually been trapped beneath all the layers of pain above them. I started feeling genuinely good about life and believing in the inherent good in people again.

So now, i continue to love my inner child and be honest with my feelings by allowing them space to be acknowledged. Just like my children need to both grieve and receive comfort when they get hurt or sad by their own choices or by others, i have learnt to accept that i too have that same need in dealing with my own hurts and griefs, both self-imposed and those caused by the choices of others. It isn't easy, given the years of conditioning i've had to be critical and 'tough' on myself both as a child and even more as an adult, but i'm learning well, spurred on by how good it feels to be able to breathe freely again.

In all of us there is a child, and that child never goes away. Loving that child is the key to so much healing and a greater horizon of happiness ~