Fading Vision

you are strong

like me
my twin flame
we are daisies that flourish wherever we land
cats that always always
land on our feet
and depend on many senses
not just one
and mainly our heart
to not just survive but thrive

yes, i would stare hard at my precious gifts for the longest time

and etch every detail in my memory
and so know that you are taking in as much of your gift as you can

i think that's where my tears are coming from
a mother's heart
for another mother

~ for my darling friend Catherine who is slowly losing all ability to see due to Ocular Albinism..i know you will rise above this and turn the darknes into amazing light as your inner beauty always does, but i cry all the same for the Dark Nights of Faith in between now and then ~

Affirmation Versus Loving Admonishment

The world seems full of duality. In seeing everything in duality we define life as as good and bad, pleasure and painful, united and separated. What if we see it as merely Ying and Yang? Two sides of the same coin? To walk away from the 'right' path and suffer pain, is it truly 'bad'? Or merely consciousness versus unconsciousness? We talk of pain being necessary for growth. We talk of darkness being necessary to appreciate light. How do we know the beauty of one end of the spectrum without allowing the other? I am on this journey now.

I spent 10 years in church faithfullly learning to see black vs.white, good vs.bad. Hearing messages of love balanced with admonition to stay on the path. But what is 'the path'? We see one man's ruin, but 10 years on he may be a totally different person, far more loving than before as a result of his suffering. The world will say he finally returned to 'the path'. But what if it was his own individual path from the start and the seeming deviation in my eyes was merely part of his road to take him to his personal destination. I may not prefer the same road but does that make that road 'wrong/bad'?

Both my husband and father are examples of men categorised as 'unwise'. And i was filled with pain looking at them from a duality view of 'good' vs 'bad' choices. But only after removing duality could i see that they both have their own wisdom and that life had to be that way for them and that no wrong road was ever wrong in the end. It was wrong for me in my shoes, but it need never turn out bad in the end IF we have love, affirmation and those walking alongside us who KNOW that each of us have Shadows we cannot escape and need not fear those shadows. Embracing those shadows, even if it be the trait of being slow to meet wisdom on her terms, is what makes us whole and connected to each other. How many times now have i frozen my opinions on my daughter's choices that seemed unwise to me only to be so glad later that i did. With my love and affirmation, what seemed a 'wrong/bad'poor' choice of hers turned out good BECAUSE she had me there to love her through it and that awakened her to meet wisdom eventually.

I am left wondering, after many years of having to be healed of the scarring effects of duality thinking in my childhood and later in church , if it's possible for there to be only messages of love and affirmation that AWAKEN consciousness rather than promote duality. And enlightened mind can easily see the words that sound admonishing but has hidden pearls in it, but simpler minds only see the admonishment and their hearts are not fed.

Even as i share this, i know that we are all different and while many can be happy with the encouraging messages framed in duality, my heart sees a need for these lovely messages to be also 'translated' in a non-dual affirming way for the too many people out there scarred by a century of ego-based upbringing and systems and are thirsty for affirmation after years of 'loving admonishment'. They can fly but are too afraid because they've been warned far too much of the 'dark side' they must beware of. Time to tell them - "Believe and Jump! Your heart is pure and that's all God sees. He won't let you fail because darkness and light are alike to him and even if you have a fall and get bruised, it's not the end. It's part of the adventure." No admonishment, just affirmation that erases all possibility of fear so they can dare to LOVE and LIVE their dreams.

Giving by Being Authentically Me

I so liked this. I need to remember that the best giving i do is just being my true self.

No more, no less.

All else is just me being UNTRUE.

"What Are Your Gifts You Bring To The World?
by Catherine Love

What are your gifts you bring to the world? We each have gifts to offer; ways of being, skills, talents, personality traits and so on that arise naturally from our authentic selves. At times it's easier to focus on what we're missing, on our defaults, or on what we don't have in comparison to others. This perspective goes against our highest truth so depletes us and makes us feel small. When we become aware of what we do have to give we feel full and whole.

Sharing your gifts with others, no matter how small or large, is an expression of love and abundance. You might not be aware of what your gifts are, but know deep inside that you are giving whenever you interact with others from true self. It might be your welcoming smile that warms someone's heart, or your sense of humour that brightens their day.

Perhaps you have the gift of clear communication that makes connecting so easy, or a gentle touch that helps someone feel loved. Maybe you listen from your whole being so others feel truly heard. It might be a skill that you offer like organizing details, planning events, or researching subjects. You may have a talent for creating beauty through art, music or words. Whatever it is, acknowledge it and share it with the world."

The Natural Link

Love in My Mother's Embrace

I will go into an open field.

There I will lay down upon the ground,

my arms open wide

and stare up at the sky.

I will see clouds forming shapes my mind cannot recognise.

I will smell the perfume of weeds and grass

crushed beneath my muscle and bones...

and while it will be familiar

it will bring no memory

of the hustle of my life

behind closed doors and concrete walls.

I will gradually see the colours around me

blend into each other...

sensing everything and yet nothing in particular.

And as I gradually dissolve

into nothingness of consequence

I will become

the very essence of the universe

~ an accepting abundant love.

When i am most overwhelmed, being out in nature so restores me. And i have heard the same of so many others who seem to gain a calming, restoring sense of well-being when they go to a place in nature that is greater than themselves. When i feel tired of my daily routine, a visit to the park refreshes me. When i am overwhelmed by endless caregiving, a trip to the forest in all it's wild disarray works better - almost as if my mind finally recognises something far greater than it can ever handle and backs off, leaving my soul the space it has been needing to finally breathe clearly.

The more 'lost' i feel inside, the greater the natural element i need to calm my inner tempest. Perhaps that's why the ocean is my ultimate soothing balm of nature. When i stand on the fringes of the ocean, i know there is no way i could ever be in control. My mind is defeated by the truth that i am finally facing a force so great, and a peace washes over my heart..of accepting that the mighty force before me is governed by a Love so great that it holds the ocean in place. Surely it is doing just as well, holding me.

Starting Over

I've been thinking a lot about my relationships lately. In fact, i have spent the past year evaluating everything in my life.

I have questioned God. Family. Love. My marriage. My children. Everything. EVERYTHING.

It has certainly been an exhausting undertaking. Much like uprooting an entire garden and re-landscaping from scratch. Except it's an easier process when you aren't hanging on to any of the old plants in it. It's more difficult when you have existing plants you can't and don't want to get rid off. When it's a completely new garden patch, it's just blank soil. You can plant whatever, wherever you want. But a garden that is being re-done has plants that need to be carefully re-located or appropriately left where they are. I WOULD like to start over AS IF it's my first day on the planet except it's not - not when i already have existing relationships and along with them accompanying beliefs, values and responsibilities that cannot be merely discarded in pursuit of a new direction in my life. And so I've had to work through everything and rediscover the right place for the old plants in my new garden landscape.

Having spent the first 20 years of my life in an authoritarian setting, reacting and responding to the choices of those in charge of my wellbeing, i had developed a habit of looking outside myself for approval and acceptance before deciding if something was permissible or beneficial. But more often than not this had led me to spend a good many years tending to weeds and over-growth from choices that were more compromises than my true desires. Once i saw that clearly, i decided that this habit had to be the very first to go..even though it seemed to be the backbone of my belief system.

It was scary at first, going against all i had ever known. But gradually, with every breath that became lighter within me, it became easier. And gradually it also made easier the task of sifting out all the other parts of me that no longer fit into my new garden. I look back now with a sense of understanding to it all. No more hurts, regrets and guilt. I am no longer ignorant of the vital personal need to draw healthy boundaries even with the people i love most. And in fact, having the ability to define my own garden has allowed me to get better at giving others the space to define their own gardens too.

Yes, I've been thinking a lot about my relationships lately. In fact, i have spent the past year evaluating everything in my life. And today, i know exactly where i stand - at the threshold of a beautiful garden i can truly call my own, a haven for my God-given soul. I am comfortable in my own skin at last, for finally..it contains all that is genuinely ME.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” ~ Maria Robinson

Real Life Fairytales

Why do we seem to think troubles mean the end of a fairytale or that because of troubles and pain, there are no fairytales in real life?

We have selective amnesia.

It's part of every fairytale - the poisoned apple, evil stepmothers, dragons and ogres. But we tend to forget all that and just remember the happy starts and the happy-ever-after endings. I think we could all benefit greatly from reminding each other of the "betweens" in fairytales. To be unscared to proclaim that difficult parts exist alongside and before the eventual happy ever afters. Because once we can accept that fairytales have troubled parts, we can then accept and reinstate the magic of fairytales in our minds. We then gain the amazing power of once more allowing ourselves to believe that we can have the happy endings our hearts long for.

And for days when we can't look to fairytale Cinderella and the bullying she endured for inspiration to keep believing in a happy ending, we can turn to all the real men and women of history who made it through doubt and persecution to their dreams. Men like Gandhi and Albert Einstein. Women like Florence Nightingale and Oprah Winfrey. It's all too easy to see their successful dreams, or their 'easy' lives and forget their difficult 'betweens'. We forget and thereby deny ourselves the gift of believing that somehow the power that sustains all life - the great Universal Love - is also able to take us, just like them, to our happy ever afters IF we just keep on believing.

Yes, I will still have pain, but I don't need to believe it's the end. From now on I'm going to build my fairytale muscle, and Cinderella's wise words are a good start: "No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dreams that you wish..will come true."

Companionship for a Healthy Heart

"Unconditionally loving yourself means allowing yourself to develop loving relationships where mutual cooperation, not competition or contention, becomes your daily reality." - Owen Waters

There was a pot in the garden with a lotus in it. The lotus wasn't very healthy so it was taken out and the pot drained of all the rotten leaves and roots and sediments. When the pot was pristine, fresh water was poured in. And when the last ripple settled, it was pure peace in that pot. Clean, fresh and still. And the lotus was lovingly returned to the pot. It was happy now. And grew to be very healthy indeed.

All the cleaning was tiring.

All the sediments were rotten and stank.

But the cleaning was eventually done. The dirt was all cleared out and never seen again.

And that was that.

Sometimes, my life is like that pot. I have frustrations, hurts and fears that lay rotting at the bottom of my heart. I seem fine on the surface. I laugh, i smile and i carry on as usual. But the sparkle is gone from my eyes and i start to feel more tired of everything i do, including all that i actually love doing. It is then that i need to clean my pot. But i delay and postpone. I know that i will have to deal with rot and stench, so i procrastinate. Believing even that perhaps someone who loves me enough will do it for me. I even pray for God to do it for me. Yet the pot is my own heart, and no one truly has access to change it's health but me.

But being the only one able to do the job isn't the same as actually doing the job alone. Just because i can't have someone do it FOR me doesn't mean i can't have someone WITH me while i'm doing it. I certainly can gain from the company of someone who can give me relevant gardening tips or just someone to have a good chat with and distract me from focusing on the worst parts of the rot i'm removing. Sometimes, just someone who knows how to mix a refreshing lemonade works magic. I suppose whether i truly need or will accept company depends on whether i feel brave enough to expose the filth i am getting rid off, and the actual severity of the accumulated rot. Who wants to air dirty laundry? But even when we do get brave enough to, lesser still are the people willing to view it.

If you have ever hitch-hiked, you would have learned, like me, that often only the oldest cars and the shabbiest people ever stop. Scary as it may seem to accept offers from such people, it's also that these people are probably the ones who can most empathise with having to make a journey on foot through rough roads. And so in times of heart-cleaning episodes, i find it is the equally wounded or those that recall having been as wounded who are most willing to accompany me. I guess this must be the concept behind support groups for those in need of emotional healing. It's a circle where everyone accepts that we all get dirty through life. So we can just be done with the damaging habit of judging everyone including (and often mostly) ourselves, and get on with the far more rewarding habit of affirming and encouraging each other forward through the muck.

My heart is very much like a pot hosting a lotus plant. And any pristine pot, as long as it hosts a growing organism in it, will eventually need to be cleaned of organic decay. It's nature and i don't need to be embarassed by it. The cleaning process is never truly pleasant, but as awful as the accumulated sediments can get, it all goes away for good the moment i let go. My heart is then refreshed, and i can once again view life with the quiet peace and joy of a lotus in full bloom. And while it's true that i'm the only one who can clean up my heart from it's contaminations; a beloved, a kindred or just a kind soul to accompany me through that process without judgement really does make a difference. And so, in my quest for a healthy heart, i'm building more affirming relationships in my life. Because although i can't have someone create a healthy heart for me, i can certainly create a circle of affirming hearts around me while i'm doing it. And also because i like lemonade and a nice chat.

Wisely Carefree

When i was a child, i was naive. That innocence made it possible for me to try dangerous things, live in the moment free of care and dream anything. Almost. I was more self-conscious and afraid than most kids as i was a deeply sensitive child. So my carefreeness was always a tad moderated. But i see in my comrades who were far more carefree than me as kids, an equal struggle and inability to remain childlike as the years have progressed.

Why have i gradually lost the ability to dream and to believe in those dreams enough to make them happen? It's ironic. When i was a kid i was always limited by my size, my understanding, my finances, my relationships. I couldn't wait to grow up and get beyond personal limitations and explore the world's menu. Yet now that i am a grown up, i find myself still limited. But by what?

I think by my own perceptions.

We grow up and learn a mountain is a mountain, label it as a tough climb and then stack up logical reasons why we can't do it after all. So we don't start the climb and shelve even the dream of climbing. Can't do it so why dream about it? But then a kid who doesn't do logistic studies and climbs the mountain with carefree enthusiasm, unprepared for altitude challenges and climate adaptation requirements will also fail to get over that mountain.

Childhood is a time of innocence, but is accompanied by ignorance due to that innocence. Adulthood is a time of knowing, but is accompanied by fear due to that knowing.

And so i begin to see that perhaps it is marrying innocence with knowledge that makes mountains conquerable.

Somewhere in life, after collecting enough years of innocence and enough years of knowing is a fulcrum point of balancing the two and reaching blessed equilibrium. An equilibrium that merges the ability to dream like a child with the ability to skillfully use available resources and knowledge gained from life experiences to overcome our feared obstacles and perceived limitations. Wise Carefreeness is what makes dreaming possible again as adults. And Wise Carefreeness is what makes those same dreams come true.

The next time i feel intimidated by logical reality in my adult mind, or regret not being able to feel impulsive with a child's heart, i am going to take a step back and affirm myself with this truth: i have lived long enough as a child and as an adult to finally be Wisely Carefree which is really the ability to combine the best of both heart and mind.

And since i am no longer a limited kid nor a scared adult, i can at last personally afford whatever the world has to offfer on it's amazingly endless menu of possibilities.

>

The Power of Letting Go

It appears to me that men get lost in the roles they play competing with one another in their quest to succeed and gain personal worth. Women on the other hand seem to get lost in the roles we play in the relationships we build, in our equally important quest to find personal value.

In either case, getting lost in our roles and finding our identity in them is perhaps what makes us feel so empty in the end. Roles are jobs. Categorised tasks. I wonder why we think our worth is tied to how well we perform these categorised tasks.

My heart does not rejoice when a friend or lover can carry out their job to perfection. My heart rejoices when someone cries with me, when they laugh wholeheartedly or throw me off balance with their gentle touch on my shoulder or squeeze of my hand.

These are not categorised tasks and are basic to every soul. It's why people love babies who, hopeless to perform any job well, are still experts at just living in the moment and by loving intuition. They watch ants crawl by with fascination and reach out to grab your nose without thinking too much about whether it's accepted protocol. They live from their heart every waking moment. It's all they know. To just be, because they haven't yet fallen to the pressure of doing anything to be a success, and to be accepted.

So i come back to me. And all my roles and tasks that i start off doing with love, with passion and then it all fizzles out. I find myself exhausted from the giving, from the routine, from the constant juggling. And every relationship i build to break away from the humdrum seems to eventually add to the miles i need to walk. Men go from Hero to Zero. Women i guess go from Goddess to Grumps.

I need to let go and just be. I am after all called a Human BEing and not a Human DOing. But sometimes that only happens when i actually break down. I don't enjoy breaking down though. As cleansing as it can prove to be, i would like to learn to walk on an open path towards light and not always through a dark tunnel.

I think when a Goddess realises she CANNOT anymore, it is not weakness. It is wiseness.It is how she can continue to gain power to remain a Goddess while other women keep going believing they are one and break down ♥

When i forget who i AM

and find myself continously

mothering

partnering

homemaking

one task after another

one thought after another

and i find that i can no longer even choose

to pause and breathe

without a conscious effort

then i have lost myself in the roles i play daily

and i need to quit

and just

ENJOY

I will rejuvenate the waters of my soul

just watching grass bend over while a breeze blows by

knowing at that moment my spirit

is in that blade of grass

the same spirit in the wind

seeing the truth

that i am more than the sum of my parts

and to rest from all i have to do

is not weakness

and is not escape

but a return

to all

i am

truly

meant to be.

Hope and Affirmation

Hope is the willingness to stay and wait for rain in a part of the desert where everyone else has left for greener pastures. It is believing that - despite everyone's else skepticism, criticism and disbelief - the God who made the desert and allowed the draught will eventually also send showers.

But hope is also behind the ability to leave the desert, believing that there are greener pastures and not only deserts even though that's all that meets the eye for now, and that God will guide them to it.

So what is hopelessness then? I see it as those who debate and argue about whether to stay or leave the desert and take it to the damaging step of discouraging both those who have chosen to stay or leave by casting doubts rather than affirmations.

Which is why i have learnt to value affirmation and encouragement above all else in human relationships. If i do not have 5 people around me whom i can affirm and be affirmed by at any one time, I make every effort to find them. It's the only way i can live a continued Life of Love.

Baring It All

I stumbled upon this poem today. It is so vivid, the way the poet paints a picture of how to bare our emotions and souls. Who hasn't had vulnerabilities and complexities in a romantic relationship? I certainly have and can completely relate to this masterpiece and it's message about the freedom to love again...

Emotinal Nudity by Danyel Hunte Fludd

Take your soft and loving hands and
Remove the mantle of mistrust from my shoulders.
Softly unbutton the silken gown
Of regret from my skin.

Come my love and remove the veil
Of heartache from my face and
Kiss these lips that were ordained only for you.

Confiscate the jewels of deception from
My arms neck and ears-discard my fears.

Feel the fabric of the chemise
Of my misgivings and set me free from it..

Kiss my naked shoulders honeyed with newfound faith
Liberated from doubt and the threat of neglect and obscurity.

My darling go further south and
Remove the thongs of this world's
Hatred and prejudice from my hips and slide
Them slowly down to the floor where they can be no more.

Undress me until I am stripped bare of
The world's evil and tainted essence until like
The day of my birth, I emerge beautiful untouched- unpoisoned.

Let this nude son and daughter of Adam & Eve stand
Before you liberated from the negative-
Pure and positive and free to melt into your loving embrace.

"Fear wraps our bodies in clothing--Love allows us to stand Naked" ~ Neale Donald Walsch

Spring Cleaning

Spring cleaning. I'm spring cleaning. All the clothes my girls have outgrown are being reorganised and the littlest ones are being given away. I have no more little ones coming along to wear them. I keep some of the nicer ones and definitely some baby clothes that have too many precious memories attached. They have kept three of my infants protected and sometimes just plain pretty and i want to hold them when my girls will be too old for me to cuddle close to my heart.

It's so easy to spring clean children's clothes. They don't fit very well anymore in a highly visible manner. Not so easy to do the same for adult clothes and for the items in my home that never expand or shrink in size to make them a physical misfit.

Which makes me wonder, how much have i outgrown? And more importantly, how much of them are still lurking around me? If i could put them on, like a child putting on a shrunken sweater, wouldn't i look rather ridiculous? Uncomfortable at the very least.

So i decide to go through everything - photographs, clothes, books, paintings, appliances, letters, cards, shoes, cutlery. EVERYTHING.

And as i go through it all, i find myself walking down memory lane for each thing i hold - something i didn't want but had to take, something i really wanted but ended up having a fight about, something i thought i liked but hardly ever used, something i really really don't want to be near because i really can't stand THAT memory. So much of me is in all these items, but not necessarily a good side of me. And that's when i realise that i have outgrown my weak moments, bad memories, mistakes, failures and even regrets. And all the things that have some form of connection or symbolism, even in the most minute way, to any of these negativities that i have outgrown - i must let go off and i put them away gladly.

Some items in my pile are items i have had fond memories of and have a tough time saying goodbye to. Much like a favourite dress my daughter can no longer wear and passes on to her younger sibling with a sigh. I have to part ways with them simply because they are no longer relevant where i am heading to from this point on. So i say 'thank you' and put them away with resolution.

And when the time comes to finally and permanently remove these items from my home, i find a great space left in my closet, on my shelves, in my rooms. But most of all in my heart.

My heart is lighter. Very much lighter.

I think it's the relief of putting the negative trophies of my past permanently behind me.

I think it's also the excitement of having gained the freedom in my life for many new possibilities - within and without.

But most of all, it's finding myself, at last, living completely in my NOW and along with this powerful change, all the space i need to usher in a fresh season of my life.

Off Days

Some days, i feel quite empty. I know i can write, i could talk to someone, i could read , i could even watch an interesting movie..but i don't. For some reason, i just feel far too distant, or too drained to do any of them, and instead i do... laundry. I sweep the floor, wipe the counter top and put away the dishes.

I get on facebook and i go blank. So many people around me and yet i feel...lonely.

All the people, places, things... they all become an overwhelming conglomerate of needs and feelings and mish-mashed energy sources and drains.

These are days i think that my heart is warring with my mind and I'm not taking sides.

These are days when it's someone outside of me - a friend,a lover, a stranger even - touches my heart and then suddenly the balance shifts. A smile, a picture, an affirmation or just plain being in the presence of someone else who is following their heart frees me to feel again. My heart wins, and my mind surrenders it's programmed hold on me.

This is the human touch. The power of LOVE.

It is the reason why i need to stay connected to the people and the world around me, if only for the days when i lose touch with myself. But i think also, to be available for the days when those around me get derailed and need help with their heart-mind battles too.

Growing Pains

If i were never defeated, I would never know how to get up
If i were never grieved, i would never know how to soothe the pain and survive through it
My pain makes me human enough for my heavenly soul to touch the earth..
and connect to others around me meaningfully.

So if my wish is to connect with others and be a part of the whole - surely..
I will experience pain. But not as a punishment or as a torture.
Merely as a means to gain a greater space in my heart..for more than just me.

Love.. has so many faces. I'm still learning them all.

I don't have to know it all..

I spent my early years of mothering trying to answer every childish question. My daughter was new to the planet and naturally had a healthy dose of curiosity. However, she is hitting 9 this year and i have no one but myself to blame for her tendency to question everything. But that's still okay really. It's that she just shoots off questions without thinking whether it's worth asking or not that irks me. When my second daughter developed the same annoying tendency, i knew i had to do something to keep sane.

And that's when it dawned on me that in life, it's not whether i have all the answers. Because like my kids, i could be asking useless questions and filing away unnecessary information. And then i also realised that it's not actually possible to have all the 'right' answers because the world and it's thousand variables keep evolving, and lately at an alarming rate too. I can't keep up anymore. And honestly, i don't think my kids could or should either. After all it's not exactly that impressive to walk around with a smug know-it-all attitude because on most days, people aren't really even asking.

And that's when it really hit me. Who's asking? Asking. Questions. QUESTIONS.

Suddenly it became clear to me that it doesn't matter as much how good i am at giving answers as it is for me to be able to ask good questions.

If i can ask good questions, i won't have to worry about information overload. Not if i can ask myself how much i really want to know and more importantly, why i need to know that much. I won't have to feel out of place. Not if i know how to ask the people around me interesting and enlightening questions about them to learn what makes them tick so i can adapt better. I won't have to worry anymore about feeling unloved. Not if i can ask myself how i really want to feel valued and know the right way to ask others for the affirmation i need. Asking good questions suddenly appears to be a far more fetching skill than having good answers tucked away for a rainy day.

Naguib Mahfouz aptly hit upon the same discovery i had made when he said, "You can tell a man is clever by his answers. You can tell a man is wise by his questions."

Indeed. I wonder if Mr.Mahfouz stumbled upon it after his nerves were shot by over-zealous children as well.

Anyway, so these days i've stopped scrambling to find all the answers in life to pass on to my children, or for myself for that matter. I've quit trying to teach them all i know. Instead, i ignore them if they ask bad questions and ask them specific open ended questions in reply to their good ones. After all, my best lessons in university were taught by teachers who asked the better questions. I think now that maybe both my children and i are better off developing self awareness of our own needs and requirements, which can only come from being able to honestly ask oneself and the world, tough yet meaningful questions.

I did have some resistance when i first unleashed my Socratic method on them, but they seem to have caught on quite well. I think they may even come and thank me much later in life. Maybe even sooner than later because i do now recall overhearing my second daughter stopping herself in mid-question just the other day to say, "never mind, i won't ask bad questions." That seemed pretty self aware to me. And yes, i don't get so irked anymore. Mission accomplished.

There is no failure. Only feedback.

“Memories are reminders of what God has done and where we could have done better.” ~ Ravi Zacharias

Reading this is intimidating to me. It makes me feel that memories are scary things..like a strict old school teacher who brandishes the cane instead of encouragement for mistakes made. I have no problem with the God bit. It’s not hard for me to believe that the Universe, a Higher Force, the Great Spirit – whatever you relate to most - does have a hand in our days. It is looking at what I could have done better that I have an issue with. That disciplinarian approach to life. It feels highly judgmental. It carries a wrong versus right, good guy versus bad guy connotation that I no longer feel is the truth of my world after all.

What if all that I could have done better was exactly what I needed, so that I could be where I am right now? Given my unique set of circumstances and life experiences, what exactly is 'better'? Do I compare to my own standards or someone else’s? The fact that I made a judgement call in the past and that I have come this far must mean that I did what best I could AT THAT POINT IN TIME. Why even revisit that moment to salvage working parts? The way I see it, if I can look at the same situation and see a different path from the one I took – it means I have grown or changed or evolved somewhat. So it also follows that my past decisions could never have been better because I would not have been the wiser me now, back then.

I see no point in looking back in judgement. Today is all I have. Tomorrow, some events today would have helped me evolve even more.. enabling me to make different decisions for the same situation I meet today because tomorrow.. I will be wiser than today. So I can never really use yesterday's scenarios as a truly worthy yardstick for my tomorrows. By tomorrow, most if not all, the possible variables in the situation would have changed, including me.

I think I would rather go by the belief that “There is no failure. Only feedback.” I am more comfortable with that. It’s encouraging. It’s building. It’s affirming. And most of all it’s freeing. My memories then become fuel that I can easily burn up and use to power up my todays. They have no hidden regret or guilt attached to them. What I could have done better in the past then just becomes a neutral experiment, an experience, which provides me with relevant feedback. So I don’t get hung up on the fact that I made a bad choice then and need to avoid more bad choices in the future. Instead, I can wake up every morning truly believing it’s a brand new day, just like the day I was born because I no longer ever need to fear making bad choices. After all, there is no failure. Only feedback.

Loving Boundaries

I get very drained by relationships where i cannot be genuine and authentic. So in order to love well the people who do matter to me, i need to let go of those who drain me of my ability to be true to myself. They may not understand why i need to let go, but i send them love and peace that someday they will understand in their heart that my choice was never against them, but because i am being honest with my own limited capabilities in that relationship. I cannot love halfway. It is all or nothing. To love halfway in any relationship would dilute my ability to give all and well in another.

That's just the way i was made. I do no one a service by going against it.

The Magic of NowHere

I have a knack for being able to see through clutter, superficiality and cosmetics to find value amidst it all. Some part of that was inborn, and gaining an Accountancy degree probably helped fine tune it. There were two lessons i learned from my accounting degree. Firstly, the principle of substance over form and secondly, to convert data into useful information for the end user or purpose. I did not become an accountant, the industry itself was too left brained for me in the end. However, i have successfully applied those two life changing principles in my personal life and the life of those in my orbit.

Seriously, rummaging through receipts in a shoebox to make useful sense out of them to avoid a taxation penalty or audit disaster is much akin to sorting out the myriad of emotional bombarding people and life hurl at you and turn it all into something purposeful. It's also useful to avoid information overload and see through foolishness as well as hurtful situations to find your personal pearl of wisdom where you least expect it.

And so i actually got something amazing from watching The Love Guru. (Of course i recommend watching it with someone who can really laugh as a prerequisite for being able to endure Mike Myers for that long). I learned that you can go from being NOWHERE to being NOW HERE.

Corny? On the surface,it's downright shoddy. But I've had enough practice seeing substance over form.

Applying it to my own life i see that i do tend to live in limbo dwelling on what i should have done or what i should be doing. What i could have done and what i could be doing. Very rarely do i actually enjoy what i am doing RIGHT NOW. I live for the most part like an automated cyborg. I have all my task programming for the day in my head and somehow, i keep thinking that when the weekend comes - THEN i'll enjoy my days doing what i enjoy. Thing is the weekend rolls around and by then i have become so habitually task programmed, only something that truly makes me a fish out of water, like a wedding celebration or a class reunion where it is a completely unfamiliar setting, can actually make me snap out of my programmed mindset and enjoy the actual moment.

Now this implies that when i am in my daily element, i am less likely to actually enjoy my life and words like Boredom, Distracted, Unfocused and even Trapped can all become relevant adjectives. Bottom line is, i can see how i have been ending up feeling so unhappy. So wistful for a better life sometimes.

All the while my better life is right underfoot.
Except i can't see it because i am looking either to what i enjoyed in my past or what i can enjoy in my future.

And so, i think Guru Pitka has given me a very simple word play to remind me of the powerful life magic of BEing in the NOW.

What if i could press the Reset button on my mind and pretend I just arrived on the planet? Start fresh as if it's my very first day here. No regrets, no worries and most of all - no preconceptions of what life is. If i were born today in the full capacity of my current mental and physical faculties, what could my life be like right here and now? I would have no previous mental programming so i would have to go by intuition, by following my heart.

I'm going to laugh when i can and cry when i must.
I'm going to look for silver linings in everything.
I'm going to start living everyday like it's my first.

I'm going to give a serious shot at going from being Nowhere to being Now Here.

Love is... transforming.

My cousin's engagement party last night was a traditional engagement with ceremony and protocol . Almost a wedding it was.  But what stood out was the end of the ceremony. With our family being predominantly Hindus and the engagement being a highly Charismatic Christian ceremony as the boy's side are Christians, it was high religious tension and an open minefield of possible exploding judgments. But after all the stifling protocol, my cousin brother made the most marvellous speech about how proud he was to have a sister who has turned out amazing, how much they love her and how happy they are to be welcoming her beloved into their family as he has made their sister so happy and is a great bloke all on his own, how their dad was definitely looking down and smiling, and finally how everyone present meant something because they had come with love and in the end that was what really mattered. Such a fitting finish to an event intiating the process of uniting two lives and two families. Everyone's hearts that were so trapped in Egoic protocol just a moment before that..melted. It was a miracle. It was so powerful the love coming from him..my cousin started crying and her mom and sister too. And their love..it just undid everyone. 

I live for moments like that. When i can see people just really being themselves from their heart..unscared. 

I see my generation doing more of that. Are we losing our culture? We certainly aren't as bothered to preserve all the protocol that have "rank and file reminder" display written all over them. We  are far happier to have meaningful ceremony without the elements that confine people into set roles. I think we are evolving our culture, not losing it or even worse, diluting it as our elders live in fear of us doing. We are more than happy to carry the costumes, the settings and the minor protocol that make us uniquely us without confining our identities. And so i believe we are not diluting, but purifying our culture by carrying into the future only those elements that will keep it relevant and heartfelt ...possibly the reason people invented ceremonies in the first place. As a genuine  expression from their hearts rather than convenient guidelines of behaviour to masquerade behind.  So perhaps, after all these years, last night i saw an amazing transformation that will set the pace for years to come for my generation. That we live unashamed of being true to ourselves. We are proud of where we have come from, but we are not trapped in our past. Our pride is of gratitude not superiority, so we are not ruled by the fear of losing our positions in the great scheme of things. 

Perfect Love drives out all fear. 

"Where there is no love, put love, and then you will find love." ~Mother Theresa

I would rather choose love over preserving cultural protocol any day. Because the latter can exclude love, as i have seen growing up, but the former has a way of making the protocol actually  meaningful, as i saw last night. 

Yes, living from the heart is... transforming.

Liberty Rose - A Battle of Love

It always hits us so hard to see children ill..they are just starting out..why should they go through so much pain? And yet, look at Liberty Rose. She has defied odds maybe by simply being a child and not being able to dwell on negative thoughts about her challenge. With love given to her, she has seen only the daily joy of being cared for and lives to continue in that love. We see all she could be doing. She may only see all that she already has. In her gratitude is her positive attitude and so she fights unconsciously..responding to enormous love around her. Liberty darling, you remind me today to approach life like a child untainted by the memories of difficult times in this world. To receive love given to me and fight for the people who love me..so i can still be here to love them back. Darling, your name says it all. Freedom To Be. To merely BE and not be defined by what I have and haven't accomplished. 

And as a mom, i can relate to those caring for Liberty..it isn't easy. I have a high need family and i wish some days that the world could understand that no matter how much i love the ones in my care, i get tired too. I fight guilt sometimes for wanting to have a break..and i fight guilt for mothering less than my ideals. So today as i send my love to Liberty, i send my love to her caregivers as well. I so know they need it. To Love themselves too and to have the power today to show obvious love to the older siblings as well. As understanding as they can be, it isn't easy for them either. A special needs family is always a balancing act between tough love and compassion, between acceptance and fighting. It is a blessing to gain and maintain that balance. 

LOVE - it is the only power that can see us through the shadows without fear and with victory ♥ ♥ ♥ 

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