A Work of HeArt

i made this 13 years ago when carrying my first daughter. i feLt parenthood was going to change our liVes forever .. and i knew with this enormous gift, came the crushing never-ceasing responsibiLity of supporting another life totally dependant on me for EVERYTHING. I reaLised then i couldn't possibly go it aLone .. and have leaned on God ever since. 13 years on and countLess prayers later, my third daughter starts school tomorrow .. and we leave babyhood behind for good. I look at them now, especially at my eldest who is an amazing teenager i am proud to call my friend .. and i am certain that no other accomplishment in my life will ever come cLose to having committed my heart and time to raising my children and being there for them totally in their foundation years. Yes, i could have attempted this aLone .. but i'm so glad for all the divine intervention. I've been far below perfect .. just loving .. but it's been sufficient after all. Because when we trust in the process of Life and with LoVe offer our best, God really does take care of the reSt ♡

Step Out of the Way

I've had too much on my mind lately. And there's only one way out for me .. to stop being so careful and do my best each day and that's that.

Anything more is neither in my hands nor part of my healthy journey .. and many things will happen because it's part of other people's journeys.

I need to get out of other people's way .. build them up no matter what. I need to get out of my own way .. live in each moment as if there has been no past reference nor future chain of events. That's not denial for me .. but an active participation of life as it happens ~

Love .. owns me

i want to run out into the open
until there are
no more roads
no more buildings
no more anything
... but open sky
and then i want to fall into it
and never return

i want to fall into a field of flowers
and spin around and around
until i collapse into their fragrance
and become a patch of grass
pouring adoration to the sky

this journey is difficult..

to stay in these borders
within these limitations of skin,
when my heart longs to fly free

i love you ... yet i cannot stay
how do i make you see that my love is an ocean ?
it will never cease to be
though there are tides that flow to and fro
making you believe that i come and go
when all along .. i am never a drop lesser than i've always been

i carry you in my heart
and i stay when i'd rather fly
but know that i must leave when the clouds call
for i belong to no one
not even me

let me hold you close before
either you or i must leave
and let me hold you in my heart forever ..

Better HeartSight .. the Key to SouL Free

ACCEPTANCE and Self Love .. is embracing with an open mind that this is how it is .. and i cannot change it .. but how it is doesn't define me .. because EVERY THING is a two sided coin .. every single thing is a duality .. and to transcend one perspective, into another .. is the key to HEALING and FREEDOM.

The Divine never sends good or bad .. all is just as is ... a duality .. a prism of many angles. Step back far enough .. and the other perspectives come into play. Pain is the struggle of stepping back ... because it involves letting go of MY perception of what is, of my judgement of how i have been wronged ... of making friends with an ending i did not choose ... in order to finally, find that ending i do want with all my heart ~~

Rebirth

We walk all our lives until we run out of land .. and there before us is the ocean ... i cannot swim .. so i stay on the shore, at the edge ... wishing and longing ... until one day i decide, i cannot take it anymore ... i will jump in and die if i must .. but i must leave this land ... and behold! the amazing happens ... we not only swim .. we become the sparkles on the waves ... we become the sea ♥

The Darker Shades of Me

Is it miNe .. these darker shades of me?

If they are, then there is a call to grow somehow .. beyond them. A call to locate and eradicate them from merging with my cell memories. And this is the hardest part .. for it involves Self Love : forgiving myself followed by the reLease of self judgement, regret and guilt, along with the release of a need to have a different outcome than what has transpired. 

I find .. if i allow these shadows space .. on the surface .. and give myself the freedom to FEEL all these emotions without judging them (meaning just because i feeL awful doesn't mean i am awful or my life is awful), and  instead i paint or read or listen to that which echoes and reflects my feelings .. soon, the clarity coMes .. if i hold steadfast a deSire to heaL.

If the paiN was never mine .. but passing through my way, or stems from cell memories of those before me, the cLarity comes sooner. If the the paiN is my own .. it comes a bit later after i have giVen myself the LoVe that i was looking for in others.  Yet always .. if my awareNess is that i am just the sKy and these emotions are but cLouds and guides on my soul jourNey .. i make it through .. and transmute base metal into goLd ~~~ This is the sacred heart alcheMy ~

Begin Again

It's time to die again .. like the phoenix.

In the past i could glad die from what was not beautiful .. yet now there are many comfy, cosy pockets in my life. And to die willingly from what is good is not as easy. However, one by one ... i am finding these comfortable pockets fall away. And this always drives me into myself .. away from all i know and love.

I am aware that the Universe does this for my highest good. After all, i hardly work on my spiritual journey anymore the way i used to. I don't go into a spiritual gym for a workout, but just rest in nature and in love .. a lot like when i was 5 and hadn't met any spiritual exercises yet. Because i desire with all my heart to be on the path of love, at the right time .. flow will carry me to where i need to be. And this is exactly what is unfolding now.

While who i am is authentically me, to some extent i now find myself limited by this 'mask' of my own making. And authentic as it is, it is like having to wear the same uniform everyday.  And i think this is how we all become sometimes trapped, even in the hats we love to wear. This is me, but what if i want to be some other way today? I am perfectly fine as i am .. and yet, JUST BECAUSE .. i want to be something else. Somewhere else. Someone else. Because my soul is that of the Creator's and carries with it the seed of Creativity. And my favourite canvass of all .. is myself.

And that is how i know, it is now time to die. It is time to evolve and be something else . Or maybe more of the same. Yet, the rickety bridge before me that will take me to the other side .. seems to be the willingness to give up all that i am happy with right now .. PERMANENTLY. 

This is by now, a familiar junction. To give up all that no longer resonates with my soul .. and go free. Yet this time, i am breaking free from what i have built in joyful consciousness rather than mere baggage. And so in some ways, it IS almost a different junction .. for it is at the same spot, but at a totally new layer. 

LoVe is calling .. and i must begin .. again.

SunshiNe LoVe

It's a blue, blue sky. And the sun's not just shining, it's reflecting off window panes from the homes around me so gloriously, that i can see the sunlight in angles and places it wouldn't ordinarily be. And the sunshine is like Love.

Here is one ray ... heading north. And it gets there. Yet a Ray of Light is so amazing that it also can break into many parts and never lose it's radiance. And so it is with that one ray. As it travels, it also hits a window pane and that sliver of light starts to tangent off eastwards. Or westwards. Or south even.

I want to be like the sunshine. Quietly there constantly. Showing up everyday. And like the sunshine, i want to be able to go off on as many tangents as possible without losing my brilliance, and without losing my original purpose.  And all the while ... also content that there are days when i don't reflect off window panes, and some days when i can just barely pass through the clouds. Yet the sun always does come through .. a silver lining, a single ray .. or just a patch of light. It reminds us all that it IS still there. It is enough.

There is so much pressure in this modern world to be a STaR. And i think that desire is very valid. It is truly an inner compulsion born of our souls ... we are here to SHiNe. Yet as i gaze at the sunshine, i realise how so few understand the true meaning of 'ShiNe'. I think we have confused the sun with neon lights on billboards. Just because we can see a neon light shining 24-7-365 at our beck and call, mankind has somehow shifted to thinking that the lightbulb is a better, constant source of light. A lightbulb is dependant on electricity ... as are human stars dependant on the applause and worship of others to energise them. No .. let me be like the sun.

The sun needs not a single applause from others. It's joy comes from the flowers, that in good time with it's consistent daily kisses, bloom .. fed full on the purity of sunlight. It's joy comes from knowing that it does such a good job of being a solid background presence, that many hardly even notice it consciously as the reason for their ability to move about in the day with such ease and clarity. And though they feel that the sun has indeed left, it is actually always there. It just respectfully slips out of sight so the ones in its care can have their own private space, and rest in that space for the night. 

Outside there is a blue, blue sky. And the sun is not just shining, it's reflecting off window panes from the homes around me so gloriously, that i can see the sunlight in angles and places it wouldn't ordinarily be. And the sunshine is like Love. I am certain now .. that is the kind of Love i want to be. That is how i want to SHiNe .. into eternity.

Truth .. is a Nightingale

I love chancing upon the truth. It rarely comes after careful study, or long pondering. No.

The truth is a lot like this little bird everyone knows exists, but only few claim to have seen.
A lot like the story of The Nightingale by Hans Christian Andersen. By the time they found it, the legend had outgrown the actual sight of the little humble bird. It was almost disappointing to see the dull brown creature. So plain, so simple. Nothing at all like all the fables spun about it. The poor nightingale was of course innocent of any misrepresentation of itself. And in actual fact, it was quite magnificent and was every bit the magical voice it was meant to be. The fault lay in all the expectations built around it ... and in the fact that people had framed an idea of what it was and should be long before they had actually met it.

And so it is with truth. I suppose this is why many cannot recognise it when it appears ... they are looking for something they have already decided will and should look, sound or feel this way or that. And all the while, it is standing there ... out in the open, completely baffled at all the people who it is equally seeking ... passing it by.

The truth ... is perhaps then, best received without any preconceived idea of what it should be. Instead, when one goes looking for the truth, it is useful to carry no expectations .. and a very open heart ~

The Best Mom .. is Being ME

"Not just anyone can have children. It's not a simple task. It takes a lot from a person ~ Life Coach"

✿ many people have children ... but i would say it's not easy to raise a FAMILY ... people think families are automatic ...but they aren't. real parents raise adults, not kids ... they raise connected siblings, and create a bond that will not break despite each member's glaring weaknesses that only such closeness as being IN a family can bring forth in painful proximity .. and it is with satisfaction as this family remains solid despite time and distance that each one can pursue their dreams ... even and especially the parents who after years of working on the tension of re-balancing physical limits against greater mental and spiritual pursuits, finally have the tension lifted and find themselves suddenly catapulted by a great universal force to continue raising great adults - this time by evolving into fantastic adults in their own right, living out the best lives and selves they were always meant to BE ~ ✿

i am thankful for my calling and my journey ... and for my children. i am pushed beyond my own physical abilities in providing them a wholesome experience as a starting point on this planet .. even as i battle many unwholesome elements that surround us all in an age of an instant, throw-away world. some of those unwholesome elements arise from within them ... and me, as we all work on the karma/experiences/choices we've come to play out in this plane of existence ✿

i am most of all thankful for my own unfolding self as each day passes ... the awareness that makes me present in the now, makes me own my space and personal power and pursue my own path and dreams without judgement .. above all, this unfolding of my true self is what truly enables me to be the better parent i always wanted to be ~ <3

being mom ... doesn't mean losing who i am ... it's an invitation to become more of ME ... just me

Today, the Past is Beautiful

I can only note that the past is beautiful because one never realises an emotion at the time. It expands later, and thus we don't have complete emotions about the present, only about the past. ~ Virginia Woolf 

I have learnt to live fully in my present and to not dwell in my past. Not even look back for lessons ... for what good is picking on a corpse? I don't believe in love autopsies. But if I am to be affirmingly honest with myself, I have to admit that I still find myself shuttling to and fro in my weeks between the past and present.

I no longer dwell so much on the past that it cripples my present. I no longer dwell on the past hoping it was different. I just tend to look back and FEEL myself back to the present. Just watch myself as I time-travel ... to a happier time with my mother, with my father. I often find myself in tears when I do come back. I miss them and the simple life they shared with me. But I almost never look back on things like births and past birthdays and anniversaries and Christmases no matter how wonderful they were. I've never understood that. Am I torturing myself by visiting what makes me cry with longing? So far, I have been kind to myself to just allow the journeys with no judgement. I tell myself that these 'trips' into the past must never impair my todays. And as long as I decide that consciously, they don't.

And then here comes Virginia Woolf to explain it all to me so simply and so completely. Of course! It is a CIRCLE I am trying to complete. These emotions I am time-travelling to, are incomplete emotions. Incomplete stories. And they had no avenue back then to ever become complete .. because it is only the passage of time and of loss even, of some sort of physical end that could ever create the ensuing emotional closure.

The truth is I am not given to melancholy as an illness. As a truth seeker, I simply must pursue the closure, I must 'close the circle' around the significant LiFe Moments in my journey here on earth. I am looking for beauty in my life you see. And as Virginia Woolf so aptly frees me with this truth:

I can only note that the past is beautiful because one never realises an emotion at the time. It expands later, and thus we don't have complete emotions about the present, only about the past.

Suddenly, it makes complete sense why trips into my past no longer affect my todays. Because only today, is my past beautiful ~

i carry more of my parents with me today than i ever have, and yet ... i am also far more myself than i have ever been.
this is one of life's beautiful mysteries

Young At Heart

I love the way  Barbara Johnson says:

Age sometimes has very little to with how old a person is ... The 'young ones' all have three things in common: a sense of purpose for their lives; a commitment to concentrate on what's right instead of what's wrong; and an environment full of outside interests.

Most people guess I'm far younger than my actual age ... which is just proof that AGE is a social construct. I read of China Machado over the weekend - a model at 81 years old. Granted, she was already a supermodel in her youth and has obviously aged gracefully over the years in France. Still - that she can still be lovely and signed on by IMG AS a model ... (IMG is an international global media house that has the likes of Giselle Bundchen on their portfolio!)  Proof that so much of who we are seems to be based on agreed norms of what measures our life - a ticking clock and calendars. Years in our life rather than life in our years.

I remember looking far older than I do now in my actual youth. I had so much emotional baggage and limitations in my mind. I lived either in the past or the future. I did not have life in my years and THAT was what truly aged me. My soul was trapped and it showed. A decade later, people guess me to be a decade younger than my age on paper ... probably because today, i refuse to live anywhere but in the NOW-ness of my life. I have only ONE job now.  And that is to remove any and all barriers in my path to LoVe, as and when they appear. It's a good job ... it well sustains me living optimally as a good job must do!

The more i Live from my Heart ... the more my age seems becomes a mere social construct, an accepted norm rather than a true reflection of my inner and outer landscape ... my Lifescape.

For the more i Live from my Heart .. the more i am driven by play and love in experiencing this life ... and as both play and love are full of timelessness, so too becomes my 'age' ... as it transforms into a true measured reflection of my universal essence of being .. infinitely unmeasurable ~  ✿

Let's always stay young at heart ..... life is to be savoured and LiVed! (gorgeous image from the www)

I've Never Been to Me ...

i walk barefoot a lot ...
so this is a tribute to my feet
≈✿≈

they've walked a thousand miles without complaint
and somehow get the most ignored
no more, no more ... taken for granted
from now ... the least shall be first

i am going to love and honour
with undivided passion
the parts of my life that have been
and remain
my own best friend ~

Let Your Dreams Go ~

is there a dream in you .. silent and unspoken?
or waiting to find winGs?
go to a meadow
imagined or real ...and pick a dandylion ~~

when you blow that dandyLion,
all your wisHes and dreams travel with those wisps and get grounded
.. and grow, along with that seed ..

It's magic of IN(side) (at)TENTION come aLiVe in the simplest, most innocent gestures
♥ ƸӜƷ ♥

your dreAms are more preciOus than gOLd
own and honouR them
Let your DreAms GO ~~~

this isn't just for those who have a dream .. but i honour those of you who have already followed a dream, and also those of you who held my hand before i jumped off the cliff to follow mine ... ♥
~~ you are LoVe's Children who folloW the poWer of dReams ~

Art - the Liquid Lover

Art is a lot like water.
It takes the shape of the container it fills up.

If you're a musical cup, then the water tastes of rhythm and beat.
If you're a painter cup, then the water becomes quite colourful.
If you're a writing cup, then the water is all made up of words.

But what makes the water tasty?
It's when there's a whole lot of heart in it. Passion. Flow.

Art happens when the heart knocks ...and we lovingly allow ourselves to become the containers that holds the water the Universe is pouring through.

I once had a dream. Art was a masculine force, and it came to me and became my Lover. And from that passionate embrace, Art poured into me seeds of life ... and from those seeds grew the seed of a child within me ... and I birthed it many moons later. And it was my Intuitive Art.

This is how I knew with all certainty - that I must continue to bring forth many more children. For that passionate embrace with Art, my Liquid Lover is so powerful, so satisfying ... I cannot help but crave for more. And with each growing conception, it is a delight and a rush as the energies compel me into a frenzy .. much like that of bringing forth a real physical child into the world. Losing sleep, losing sense of time and place and being completely focused on that birthing ... and never feeling the exhaustion after, but only sheer joy and exhilaration of having brought something new into this world ... this is the reward of the Artist Heart ~

My visual art is shared on heartistry.blogspot.com

Here's a beautiful video i found on YouTube .. that illustrates well the pull of Art to the Artist (^v^)

Meltdowns

let me cry .. for juSt this moment. holding my tears only deNies the tRuth .. doing a disserviCe to both you and me. see how it's raining in the sunsHine? it maKes a rainbow ~

Meltdowns can be a  blessing. It's when i will dare to walk outside even if it's raining ... because i just can't stand being inside anymore .. not even for another minute. For as Anais Nin says,
"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

So i need to bless even my meltdowns because sometimes, meltdowns are the only things that keep me safe from losing who i truly am .. and keep me on the path of being all i am meant to be.

For when i am sad, i am allowing space for the authentic feelings of my heart ... for sadness and unhappiness are not the same. Unhappiness is more a message of discontent and a signal that our actionable choices require re-alignment to what we truly desire. Sadness however, is more a cry of the soul - a welling up of tears from within ... of unspoken words and feelings arising from the heart. Words and Feelings that NEED space to exist because they are a part of the human heart's journey we call Life. Sadness is a human marker - that it is time to gain affirmation, reach out and receive, and perhaps ... even to initiate self-loving healing. And there is no shame or vibe-dilution to give space and embrace the totality of who we are - BOTH rain and shine. For to allow the soul to feel all shades of life is honouring this journey of physicaL BE-ing ~ ❤

The Weakness of Compassion ...

There was a time when i had too much Compassion... only I didn't realise it wasn't compassion, but weakness.

So many times i would say too much because i feel to much..i see what others can't and want too much to see them avoid pain. How utterly selfish i have been. In my pursuit to ensure their happiness, I was only seeking mine. For there is a great difference between playing one's role and just getting in the way of the Universe.

An acorn must die to grow an oak.. and a butterfly must push through the cocoon to be born balanced. I dishonour another soul and the Universe by thinking that I need to 'help' them along. I am only judging them to be incapable, and the circumstances surrounding them to be negative.

True Compassion is loving beyond notions of right and wrong. It is accepting that every heart has it's own compass and that Love is over all. And this is true strength..  for it takes trust, and faith and hope.. and a LoVe that is greater than Fear.

If i am ever needed, i will be asked .. and i will be there in a heartbeat ready to give my best in that moment. Until then, true Compassion is loving without judgement. I will never think that you are not free and that you need to be better. I only know to neither stand in your way, nor my own. And not standing in my own way, i will be more than ready and able.. should you ever call my name.

Then everything..everything becomes as it should be..and life becomes The Dance ~~ ♥ CT

The 4 Agreement's by Miguel Ruiz

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret."

Liquid Love

I cannot tell you openly how much i love you.
You'll drown.

For my love is an ocean and you ..  are not a good swimmer yet. Which is why you come sailing in my waters safely detached in a boat .. and then go away again back to your shore. And though i understand your heart ... i miss you.

I cannot show you openly  how much i love you.
It will be a wave that crashes down on you .. and sweeps you away. So i stay silent .. loving you in secret.

Instead like rain...
I will sneak up on you from the oceans as a cloud .. and descend in measured droplets..
I will drench you, enveloping you in the fullness of my love ... for we both know rain isn't permanent ... and that makes you feel safe.

Then we will dance for a while.. in utter joy. And I will flow back to whence i came from... sated and complete.

For ours ..  is a Liquid Love. 
Like water, it changes shape and form .. but always remains in its true essence.. a love nonetheless.

i am an ocean of love..and like an ocean, i am here to stay ... always changing, always the same ..
take strength from knowing ...  i know you love me too ~

Holding Little Hearts

A sowing of pure seeds in God's earth, and then no income! Impossible.
~ Rumi ✿ ✿

it's easy to think that being home with our children
is about their physical safety and needs..
but it's actually about being available
to catch the opportunities to pass on a sense of family and life values..
things that will hold them
long after their wings are too big for them to stay in our arms ~

✿ ✿
Love TODAY..
makes beautiful tomorrows.

Never Forget...

"Love is the great miracle cure. Loving ourselves works miracles in our lives" ~ Louise L. Hay

We need to tell little girls this ALL the time..and women need to remind it to each other when we DO go through difficult times and our candle is flickering. And it's always women who have children who need to hear this the most..or else they pass their 'forgetfulness' on to their children, while they are so intensely loving them. 

My mother, a devoted mom, got so frustrated with me one day that she said "Your kids are just gonna grow up and break your heart. They won't even remember what you did so much for them. You need to take care of yourself!" I was shocked and offended..this coming from my mom whom i had always shown care to and who had always cared so well for us. I thought she didn't understand me..then. I thought maybe she hadn't seen how much i loved her..was she implying i had broken her heart? 

But i realised one day, thankfully before she crossed over, that she was actually telling me to LIVE MY LIFE. Not just care for my parents, not just live my children's lives and not just support my husband's dream.. just because I had a big giving heart. She was reminding me of my one major flaw ..that i tend to forget how amazing I am. She just wasn't always good at finding the right words although her heart was always with the right thoughts. And it was when she saw me finally get it, when i finally remembered and started living my own dream..that she left. 

I look around and see that now more than ever in my life, I have amazing women who do have the right words to keep reminding me and loving me..and sometimes my mom reminds me..in the gentle passing of a breeze. I am grateful each day for it. It makes me really powerful and beautiful. 

And i tell it to my little girls everyday..i remind them that they are amazing and need to care for themselves well to keep being able to give their best to the world around them. And i do that best, by doing it for myself first of all  ~