A Work of HeArt

i made this 13 years ago when carrying my first daughter. i feLt parenthood was going to change our liVes forever .. and i knew with this enormous gift, came the crushing never-ceasing responsibiLity of supporting another life totally dependant on me for EVERYTHING. I reaLised then i couldn't possibly go it aLone .. and have leaned on God ever since. 13 years on and countLess prayers later, my third daughter starts school tomorrow .. and we leave babyhood behind for good. I look at them now, especially at my eldest who is an amazing teenager i am proud to call my friend .. and i am certain that no other accomplishment in my life will ever come cLose to having committed my heart and time to raising my children and being there for them totally in their foundation years. Yes, i could have attempted this aLone .. but i'm so glad for all the divine intervention. I've been far below perfect .. just loving .. but it's been sufficient after all. Because when we trust in the process of Life and with LoVe offer our best, God really does take care of the reSt ♡

Step Out of the Way

I've had too much on my mind lately. And there's only one way out for me .. to stop being so careful and do my best each day and that's that.

Anything more is neither in my hands nor part of my healthy journey .. and many things will happen because it's part of other people's journeys.

I need to get out of other people's way .. build them up no matter what. I need to get out of my own way .. live in each moment as if there has been no past reference nor future chain of events. That's not denial for me .. but an active participation of life as it happens ~

Love .. owns me

i want to run out into the open
until there are
no more roads
no more buildings
no more anything
... but open sky
and then i want to fall into it
and never return

i want to fall into a field of flowers
and spin around and around
until i collapse into their fragrance
and become a patch of grass
pouring adoration to the sky

this journey is difficult..

to stay in these borders
within these limitations of skin,
when my heart longs to fly free

i love you ... yet i cannot stay
how do i make you see that my love is an ocean ?
it will never cease to be
though there are tides that flow to and fro
making you believe that i come and go
when all along .. i am never a drop lesser than i've always been

i carry you in my heart
and i stay when i'd rather fly
but know that i must leave when the clouds call
for i belong to no one
not even me

let me hold you close before
either you or i must leave
and let me hold you in my heart forever ..

Better HeartSight .. the Key to SouL Free

ACCEPTANCE and Self Love .. is embracing with an open mind that this is how it is .. and i cannot change it .. but how it is doesn't define me .. because EVERY THING is a two sided coin .. every single thing is a duality .. and to transcend one perspective, into another .. is the key to HEALING and FREEDOM.

The Divine never sends good or bad .. all is just as is ... a duality .. a prism of many angles. Step back far enough .. and the other perspectives come into play. Pain is the struggle of stepping back ... because it involves letting go of MY perception of what is, of my judgement of how i have been wronged ... of making friends with an ending i did not choose ... in order to finally, find that ending i do want with all my heart ~~

Rebirth

We walk all our lives until we run out of land .. and there before us is the ocean ... i cannot swim .. so i stay on the shore, at the edge ... wishing and longing ... until one day i decide, i cannot take it anymore ... i will jump in and die if i must .. but i must leave this land ... and behold! the amazing happens ... we not only swim .. we become the sparkles on the waves ... we become the sea ♥

The Darker Shades of Me

Is it miNe .. these darker shades of me?

If they are, then there is a call to grow somehow .. beyond them. A call to locate and eradicate them from merging with my cell memories. And this is the hardest part .. for it involves Self Love : forgiving myself followed by the reLease of self judgement, regret and guilt, along with the release of a need to have a different outcome than what has transpired. 

I find .. if i allow these shadows space .. on the surface .. and give myself the freedom to FEEL all these emotions without judging them (meaning just because i feeL awful doesn't mean i am awful or my life is awful), and  instead i paint or read or listen to that which echoes and reflects my feelings .. soon, the clarity coMes .. if i hold steadfast a deSire to heaL.

If the paiN was never mine .. but passing through my way, or stems from cell memories of those before me, the cLarity comes sooner. If the the paiN is my own .. it comes a bit later after i have giVen myself the LoVe that i was looking for in others.  Yet always .. if my awareNess is that i am just the sKy and these emotions are but cLouds and guides on my soul jourNey .. i make it through .. and transmute base metal into goLd ~~~ This is the sacred heart alcheMy ~

Begin Again

It's time to die again .. like the phoenix.

In the past i could glad die from what was not beautiful .. yet now there are many comfy, cosy pockets in my life. And to die willingly from what is good is not as easy. However, one by one ... i am finding these comfortable pockets fall away. And this always drives me into myself .. away from all i know and love.

I am aware that the Universe does this for my highest good. After all, i hardly work on my spiritual journey anymore the way i used to. I don't go into a spiritual gym for a workout, but just rest in nature and in love .. a lot like when i was 5 and hadn't met any spiritual exercises yet. Because i desire with all my heart to be on the path of love, at the right time .. flow will carry me to where i need to be. And this is exactly what is unfolding now.

While who i am is authentically me, to some extent i now find myself limited by this 'mask' of my own making. And authentic as it is, it is like having to wear the same uniform everyday.  And i think this is how we all become sometimes trapped, even in the hats we love to wear. This is me, but what if i want to be some other way today? I am perfectly fine as i am .. and yet, JUST BECAUSE .. i want to be something else. Somewhere else. Someone else. Because my soul is that of the Creator's and carries with it the seed of Creativity. And my favourite canvass of all .. is myself.

And that is how i know, it is now time to die. It is time to evolve and be something else . Or maybe more of the same. Yet, the rickety bridge before me that will take me to the other side .. seems to be the willingness to give up all that i am happy with right now .. PERMANENTLY. 

This is by now, a familiar junction. To give up all that no longer resonates with my soul .. and go free. Yet this time, i am breaking free from what i have built in joyful consciousness rather than mere baggage. And so in some ways, it IS almost a different junction .. for it is at the same spot, but at a totally new layer. 

LoVe is calling .. and i must begin .. again.

SunshiNe LoVe

It's a blue, blue sky. And the sun's not just shining, it's reflecting off window panes from the homes around me so gloriously, that i can see the sunlight in angles and places it wouldn't ordinarily be. And the sunshine is like Love.

Here is one ray ... heading north. And it gets there. Yet a Ray of Light is so amazing that it also can break into many parts and never lose it's radiance. And so it is with that one ray. As it travels, it also hits a window pane and that sliver of light starts to tangent off eastwards. Or westwards. Or south even.

I want to be like the sunshine. Quietly there constantly. Showing up everyday. And like the sunshine, i want to be able to go off on as many tangents as possible without losing my brilliance, and without losing my original purpose.  And all the while ... also content that there are days when i don't reflect off window panes, and some days when i can just barely pass through the clouds. Yet the sun always does come through .. a silver lining, a single ray .. or just a patch of light. It reminds us all that it IS still there. It is enough.

There is so much pressure in this modern world to be a STaR. And i think that desire is very valid. It is truly an inner compulsion born of our souls ... we are here to SHiNe. Yet as i gaze at the sunshine, i realise how so few understand the true meaning of 'ShiNe'. I think we have confused the sun with neon lights on billboards. Just because we can see a neon light shining 24-7-365 at our beck and call, mankind has somehow shifted to thinking that the lightbulb is a better, constant source of light. A lightbulb is dependant on electricity ... as are human stars dependant on the applause and worship of others to energise them. No .. let me be like the sun.

The sun needs not a single applause from others. It's joy comes from the flowers, that in good time with it's consistent daily kisses, bloom .. fed full on the purity of sunlight. It's joy comes from knowing that it does such a good job of being a solid background presence, that many hardly even notice it consciously as the reason for their ability to move about in the day with such ease and clarity. And though they feel that the sun has indeed left, it is actually always there. It just respectfully slips out of sight so the ones in its care can have their own private space, and rest in that space for the night. 

Outside there is a blue, blue sky. And the sun is not just shining, it's reflecting off window panes from the homes around me so gloriously, that i can see the sunlight in angles and places it wouldn't ordinarily be. And the sunshine is like Love. I am certain now .. that is the kind of Love i want to be. That is how i want to SHiNe .. into eternity.

Truth .. is a Nightingale

I love chancing upon the truth. It rarely comes after careful study, or long pondering. No.

The truth is a lot like this little bird everyone knows exists, but only few claim to have seen.
A lot like the story of The Nightingale by Hans Christian Andersen. By the time they found it, the legend had outgrown the actual sight of the little humble bird. It was almost disappointing to see the dull brown creature. So plain, so simple. Nothing at all like all the fables spun about it. The poor nightingale was of course innocent of any misrepresentation of itself. And in actual fact, it was quite magnificent and was every bit the magical voice it was meant to be. The fault lay in all the expectations built around it ... and in the fact that people had framed an idea of what it was and should be long before they had actually met it.

And so it is with truth. I suppose this is why many cannot recognise it when it appears ... they are looking for something they have already decided will and should look, sound or feel this way or that. And all the while, it is standing there ... out in the open, completely baffled at all the people who it is equally seeking ... passing it by.

The truth ... is perhaps then, best received without any preconceived idea of what it should be. Instead, when one goes looking for the truth, it is useful to carry no expectations .. and a very open heart ~