Fading Vision

you are strong

like me
my twin flame
we are daisies that flourish wherever we land
cats that always always
land on our feet
and depend on many senses
not just one
and mainly our heart
to not just survive but thrive

yes, i would stare hard at my precious gifts for the longest time

and etch every detail in my memory
and so know that you are taking in as much of your gift as you can

i think that's where my tears are coming from
a mother's heart
for another mother

~ for my darling friend Catherine who is slowly losing all ability to see due to Ocular Albinism..i know you will rise above this and turn the darknes into amazing light as your inner beauty always does, but i cry all the same for the Dark Nights of Faith in between now and then ~

Affirmation Versus Loving Admonishment

The world seems full of duality. In seeing everything in duality we define life as as good and bad, pleasure and painful, united and separated. What if we see it as merely Ying and Yang? Two sides of the same coin? To walk away from the 'right' path and suffer pain, is it truly 'bad'? Or merely consciousness versus unconsciousness? We talk of pain being necessary for growth. We talk of darkness being necessary to appreciate light. How do we know the beauty of one end of the spectrum without allowing the other? I am on this journey now.

I spent 10 years in church faithfullly learning to see black vs.white, good vs.bad. Hearing messages of love balanced with admonition to stay on the path. But what is 'the path'? We see one man's ruin, but 10 years on he may be a totally different person, far more loving than before as a result of his suffering. The world will say he finally returned to 'the path'. But what if it was his own individual path from the start and the seeming deviation in my eyes was merely part of his road to take him to his personal destination. I may not prefer the same road but does that make that road 'wrong/bad'?

Both my husband and father are examples of men categorised as 'unwise'. And i was filled with pain looking at them from a duality view of 'good' vs 'bad' choices. But only after removing duality could i see that they both have their own wisdom and that life had to be that way for them and that no wrong road was ever wrong in the end. It was wrong for me in my shoes, but it need never turn out bad in the end IF we have love, affirmation and those walking alongside us who KNOW that each of us have Shadows we cannot escape and need not fear those shadows. Embracing those shadows, even if it be the trait of being slow to meet wisdom on her terms, is what makes us whole and connected to each other. How many times now have i frozen my opinions on my daughter's choices that seemed unwise to me only to be so glad later that i did. With my love and affirmation, what seemed a 'wrong/bad'poor' choice of hers turned out good BECAUSE she had me there to love her through it and that awakened her to meet wisdom eventually.

I am left wondering, after many years of having to be healed of the scarring effects of duality thinking in my childhood and later in church , if it's possible for there to be only messages of love and affirmation that AWAKEN consciousness rather than promote duality. And enlightened mind can easily see the words that sound admonishing but has hidden pearls in it, but simpler minds only see the admonishment and their hearts are not fed.

Even as i share this, i know that we are all different and while many can be happy with the encouraging messages framed in duality, my heart sees a need for these lovely messages to be also 'translated' in a non-dual affirming way for the too many people out there scarred by a century of ego-based upbringing and systems and are thirsty for affirmation after years of 'loving admonishment'. They can fly but are too afraid because they've been warned far too much of the 'dark side' they must beware of. Time to tell them - "Believe and Jump! Your heart is pure and that's all God sees. He won't let you fail because darkness and light are alike to him and even if you have a fall and get bruised, it's not the end. It's part of the adventure." No admonishment, just affirmation that erases all possibility of fear so they can dare to LOVE and LIVE their dreams.

Giving by Being Authentically Me

I so liked this. I need to remember that the best giving i do is just being my true self.

No more, no less.

All else is just me being UNTRUE.

"What Are Your Gifts You Bring To The World?
by Catherine Love

What are your gifts you bring to the world? We each have gifts to offer; ways of being, skills, talents, personality traits and so on that arise naturally from our authentic selves. At times it's easier to focus on what we're missing, on our defaults, or on what we don't have in comparison to others. This perspective goes against our highest truth so depletes us and makes us feel small. When we become aware of what we do have to give we feel full and whole.

Sharing your gifts with others, no matter how small or large, is an expression of love and abundance. You might not be aware of what your gifts are, but know deep inside that you are giving whenever you interact with others from true self. It might be your welcoming smile that warms someone's heart, or your sense of humour that brightens their day.

Perhaps you have the gift of clear communication that makes connecting so easy, or a gentle touch that helps someone feel loved. Maybe you listen from your whole being so others feel truly heard. It might be a skill that you offer like organizing details, planning events, or researching subjects. You may have a talent for creating beauty through art, music or words. Whatever it is, acknowledge it and share it with the world."

The Natural Link

Love in My Mother's Embrace

I will go into an open field.

There I will lay down upon the ground,

my arms open wide

and stare up at the sky.

I will see clouds forming shapes my mind cannot recognise.

I will smell the perfume of weeds and grass

crushed beneath my muscle and bones...

and while it will be familiar

it will bring no memory

of the hustle of my life

behind closed doors and concrete walls.

I will gradually see the colours around me

blend into each other...

sensing everything and yet nothing in particular.

And as I gradually dissolve

into nothingness of consequence

I will become

the very essence of the universe

~ an accepting abundant love.

When i am most overwhelmed, being out in nature so restores me. And i have heard the same of so many others who seem to gain a calming, restoring sense of well-being when they go to a place in nature that is greater than themselves. When i feel tired of my daily routine, a visit to the park refreshes me. When i am overwhelmed by endless caregiving, a trip to the forest in all it's wild disarray works better - almost as if my mind finally recognises something far greater than it can ever handle and backs off, leaving my soul the space it has been needing to finally breathe clearly.

The more 'lost' i feel inside, the greater the natural element i need to calm my inner tempest. Perhaps that's why the ocean is my ultimate soothing balm of nature. When i stand on the fringes of the ocean, i know there is no way i could ever be in control. My mind is defeated by the truth that i am finally facing a force so great, and a peace washes over my heart..of accepting that the mighty force before me is governed by a Love so great that it holds the ocean in place. Surely it is doing just as well, holding me.

Starting Over

I've been thinking a lot about my relationships lately. In fact, i have spent the past year evaluating everything in my life.

I have questioned God. Family. Love. My marriage. My children. Everything. EVERYTHING.

It has certainly been an exhausting undertaking. Much like uprooting an entire garden and re-landscaping from scratch. Except it's an easier process when you aren't hanging on to any of the old plants in it. It's more difficult when you have existing plants you can't and don't want to get rid off. When it's a completely new garden patch, it's just blank soil. You can plant whatever, wherever you want. But a garden that is being re-done has plants that need to be carefully re-located or appropriately left where they are. I WOULD like to start over AS IF it's my first day on the planet except it's not - not when i already have existing relationships and along with them accompanying beliefs, values and responsibilities that cannot be merely discarded in pursuit of a new direction in my life. And so I've had to work through everything and rediscover the right place for the old plants in my new garden landscape.

Having spent the first 20 years of my life in an authoritarian setting, reacting and responding to the choices of those in charge of my wellbeing, i had developed a habit of looking outside myself for approval and acceptance before deciding if something was permissible or beneficial. But more often than not this had led me to spend a good many years tending to weeds and over-growth from choices that were more compromises than my true desires. Once i saw that clearly, i decided that this habit had to be the very first to go..even though it seemed to be the backbone of my belief system.

It was scary at first, going against all i had ever known. But gradually, with every breath that became lighter within me, it became easier. And gradually it also made easier the task of sifting out all the other parts of me that no longer fit into my new garden. I look back now with a sense of understanding to it all. No more hurts, regrets and guilt. I am no longer ignorant of the vital personal need to draw healthy boundaries even with the people i love most. And in fact, having the ability to define my own garden has allowed me to get better at giving others the space to define their own gardens too.

Yes, I've been thinking a lot about my relationships lately. In fact, i have spent the past year evaluating everything in my life. And today, i know exactly where i stand - at the threshold of a beautiful garden i can truly call my own, a haven for my God-given soul. I am comfortable in my own skin at last, for finally..it contains all that is genuinely ME.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” ~ Maria Robinson

Real Life Fairytales

Why do we seem to think troubles mean the end of a fairytale or that because of troubles and pain, there are no fairytales in real life?

We have selective amnesia.

It's part of every fairytale - the poisoned apple, evil stepmothers, dragons and ogres. But we tend to forget all that and just remember the happy starts and the happy-ever-after endings. I think we could all benefit greatly from reminding each other of the "betweens" in fairytales. To be unscared to proclaim that difficult parts exist alongside and before the eventual happy ever afters. Because once we can accept that fairytales have troubled parts, we can then accept and reinstate the magic of fairytales in our minds. We then gain the amazing power of once more allowing ourselves to believe that we can have the happy endings our hearts long for.

And for days when we can't look to fairytale Cinderella and the bullying she endured for inspiration to keep believing in a happy ending, we can turn to all the real men and women of history who made it through doubt and persecution to their dreams. Men like Gandhi and Albert Einstein. Women like Florence Nightingale and Oprah Winfrey. It's all too easy to see their successful dreams, or their 'easy' lives and forget their difficult 'betweens'. We forget and thereby deny ourselves the gift of believing that somehow the power that sustains all life - the great Universal Love - is also able to take us, just like them, to our happy ever afters IF we just keep on believing.

Yes, I will still have pain, but I don't need to believe it's the end. From now on I'm going to build my fairytale muscle, and Cinderella's wise words are a good start: "No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dreams that you wish..will come true."