LiViNG FRoM tHe HEART

Truth .. is a Nightingale

2012-01-18T00:38:00.000+08:00

I love chancing upon the truth. It rarely comes after careful study, or long pondering. No.

The truth is a lot like this little bird everyone knows exists, but only few claim to have seen.
A lot like the story of The Nightingale by Hans Christian Andersen. By the time they found it, the legend had outgrown the actual sight of the little humble bird. It was almost disappointing to see the dull brown creature. So plain, so simple. Nothing at all like all the fables spun about it. The poor nightingale was of course innocent of any misrepresentation of itself. And in actual fact, it was quite magnificent and was every bit the magical voice it was meant to be. The fault lay in all the expectations built around it ... and in the fact that people had framed an idea of what it was and should be long before they had actually met it.

And so it is with truth. I suppose this is why many cannot recognise it when it appears ... they are looking for something they have already decided will and should look, sound or feel this way or that. And all the while, it is standing there ... out in the open, completely baffled at all the people who it is equally seeking ... passing it by.

The truth ... is perhaps then, best received without any preconceived idea of what it should be. Instead, when one goes looking for the truth, it is useful to carry no expectations .. and a very open heart ~

The Best Mom .. is Being ME

2011-11-16T22:33:00.001+08:00

"Not just anyone can have children. It's not a simple task. It takes a lot from a person ~ Life Coach"

✿ many people have children ... but i would say it's not easy to raise a FAMILY ... people think families are automatic ...but they aren't. real parents raise adults, not kids ... they raise connected siblings, and create a bond that will not break despite each member's glaring weaknesses that only such closeness as being IN a family can bring forth in painful proximity .. and it is with satisfaction as this family remains solid despite time and distance that each one can pursue their dreams ... even and especially the parents who after years of working on the tension of re-balancing physical limits against greater mental and spiritual pursuits, finally have the tension lifted and find themselves suddenly catapulted by a great universal force to continue raising great adults - this time by evolving into fantastic adults in their own right, living out the best lives and selves they were always meant to BE ~ ✿

i am thankful for my calling and my journey ... and for my children. i am pushed beyond my own physical abilities in providing them a wholesome experience as a starting point on this planet .. even as i battle many unwholesome elements that surround us all in an age of an instant, throw-away world. some of those unwholesome elements arise from within them ... and me, as we all work on the karma/experiences/choices we've come to play out in this plane of existence ✿

i am most of all thankful for my own unfolding self as each day passes ... the awareness that makes me present in the now, makes me own my space and personal power and pursue my own path and dreams without judgement .. above all, this unfolding of my true self is what truly enables me to be the better parent i always wanted to be ~ <3

being mom ... doesn't mean losing who i am ... it's an invitation to become more of ME ... just me

Young At Heart

2011-10-24T12:52:00.003+08:00

I love the way Barbara Johnson says:

Age sometimes has very little to with how old a person is ... The 'young ones' all have three things in common: a sense of purpose for their lives; a commitment to concentrate on what's right instead of what's wrong; and an environment full of outside interests.

Most people guess I'm far younger than my actual age ... which is just proof that AGE is a social construct. I read of China Machado over the weekend - a model at 81 years old. Granted, she was already a supermodel in her youth and has obviously aged gracefully over the years in France. Still - that she can still be lovely and signed on by IMG AS a model ... (IMG is an international global media house that has the likes of Giselle Bundchen on their portfolio!) Proof that so much of who we are seems to be based on agreed norms of what measures our life - a ticking clock and calendars. Years in our life rather than life in our years.

I remember looking far older than I do now in my actual youth. I had so much emotional baggage and limitations in my mind. I lived either in the past or the future. I did not have life in my years and THAT was what truly aged me. My soul was trapped and it showed. A decade later, people guess me to be a decade younger than my age on paper ... probably because today, i refuse to live anywhere but in the NOW-ness of my life. I have only ONE job now. And that is to remove any and all barriers in my path to LoVe, as and when they appear. It's a good job ... it well sustains me living optimally as a good job must do!

The more i Live from my Heart ... the more my age seems becomes a mere social construct, an accepted norm rather than a true reflection of my inner and outer landscape ... my Lifescape.

For the more i Live from my Heart .. the more i am driven by play and love in experiencing this life ... and as both play and love are full of timelessness, so too becomes my 'age' ... as it transforms into a true measured reflection of my universal essence of being .. infinitely unmeasurable ~ ✿


Let's always stay young at heart ..... life is to be savoured and LiVed! (gorgeous image from the www)

I've Never Been to Me ...

2011-10-17T23:55:00.000+08:00

i walk barefoot a lot ...
so this is a tribute to my feet
≈✿≈

they've walked a thousand miles without complaint
and somehow get the most ignored
no more, no more ... taken for granted
from now ... the least shall be first

i am going to love and honour
with undivided passion
the parts of my life that have been
and remain
my own best friend ~

original artwork © cosmicsky7

Let Your Dreams Go ~

2011-09-13T15:19:00.002+08:00

is there a dream in you .. silent and unspoken?
or waiting to find winGs?
go to a meadow
imagined or real ...and pick a dandylion ~~

when you blow that dandyLion,
all your wisHes and dreams travel with those wisps and get grounded
.. and grow, along with that seed ..

It's magic of IN(side) (at)TENTION come aLiVe in the simplest, most innocent gestures
♥ ƸӜƷ ♥

your dreAms are more preciOus than gOLd
own and honouR them
Let your DreAms GO ~~~

this isn't just for those who have a dream .. but i honour those of you who have already followed a dream, and also those of you who held my hand before i jumped off the cliff to follow mine ... ♥
~~ you are LoVe's Children who folloW the poWer of dReams ~

meltdowns ..

2011-08-21T18:28:00.001+08:00

Massive meltdown this evening .. all i wanted to do today was write and draw after weeks of neither ... but i had to keep my mom-shoes on and stay in grown-up mode instead because there just isn't another responsible adult around for my lil munchkins ... and sure enough, by tea time - (3 incomplete drawings later and stuck doing what i 'SHOULD' be doing) ... i broke down crying like a 7 year old ..

And would you know it ... the sky this morning when i felt amazingly creative was clear blue ... and as i broke down, it had turned gray and was pouring rain ...

As an artist, some days ... it's a lot harder to be mom. Especially when my own inner child has been kept inside for too long.

But a meltdown is good. It's when i will dare to walk outside even if it's raining ... because i just can't stand being inside anymore .. not even for another minute.

So i need to bless even my meltdowns because sometimes, meltdowns are the only things that keep me safe from losing who i truly am .. and keep me on the path of being all i am meant to be.

And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom ~ Anais Nin

The Weakness of Compassion ...

2011-07-04T13:57:00.001+08:00

There was a time when i had too much Compassion... only I didn't realise it wasn't compassion, but weakness.

So many times i would say too much because i feel to much..i see what others can't and want too much to see them avoid pain. How utterly selfish i have been. In my pursuit to ensure their happiness, I was only seeking mine. For there is a great difference between playing one's role and just getting in the way of the Universe.

An acorn must die to grow an oak.. and a butterfly must push through the cocoon to be born balanced. I dishonour another soul and the Universe by thinking that I need to 'help' them along. I am only judging them to be incapable, and the circumstances surrounding them to be negative.

True Compassion is loving beyond notions of right and wrong. It is accepting that every heart has it's own compass and that Love is over all. And this is true strength.. for it takes trust, and faith and hope.. and a LoVe that is greater than Fear.

If i am ever needed, i will be asked .. and i will be there in a heartbeat ready to give my best in that moment. Until then, true Compassion is loving without judgement. I will never think that you are not free and that you need to be better. I only know to neither stand in your way, nor my own. And not standing in my own way, i will be more than ready and able.. should you ever call my name.

Then everything..everything becomes as it should be..and life becomes The Dance ~~ ♥ CT

The 4 Agreement's by Miguel Ruiz

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret."

Liquid Love

2011-06-30T00:42:00.002+08:00

I cannot tell you openly how much i love you.
You'll drown.

For my love is an ocean and you .. are not a good swimmer yet. Which is why you come sailing in my waters safely detached in a boat .. and then go away again back to your shore. And though i understand your heart ... i miss you.

I cannot show you openly how much i love you.
It will be a wave that crashes down on you .. and sweeps you away. So i stay silent .. loving you in secret.

Instead like rain...
I will sneak up on you from the oceans as a cloud .. and descend in measured droplets..
I will drench you, enveloping you in the fullness of my love ... for we both know rain isn't permanent ... and that makes you feel safe.

Then we will dance for a while.. in utter joy. And I will flow back to whence i came from... sated and complete.

For ours .. is a Liquid Love.
Like water, it changes shape and form .. but always remains in its true essence.. a love nonetheless.

i am an ocean of love..and like an ocean, i am here to stay ... always changing, always the same ..
take strength from knowing ... i know you love me too ~

Holding Little Hearts

2011-06-17T01:01:00.001+08:00

A sowing of pure seeds in God's earth, and then no income! Impossible.
~ Rumi ✿ ✿

it's easy to think that being home with our children
is about their physical safety and needs..
but it's actually about being available
to catch the opportunities to pass on a sense of family and life values..
things that will hold them
long after their wings are too big for them to stay in our arms ~

✿ ✿
Love TODAY..
makes beautiful tomorrows.

Never Forget...

2011-06-12T02:25:00.004+08:00

"Love is the great miracle cure. Loving ourselves works miracles in our lives" ~ Louise L. Hay

We need to tell little girls this ALL the time..and women need to remind it to each other when we DO go through difficult times and our candle is flickering. And it's always women who have children who need to hear this the most..or else they pass their 'forgetfulness' on to their children, while they are so intensely loving them.

My mother, a devoted mom, got so frustrated with me one day that she said "Your kids are just gonna grow up and break your heart. They won't even remember what you did so much for them. You need to take care of yourself!" I was shocked and offended..this coming from my mom whom i had always shown care to and who had always cared so well for us. I thought she didn't understand me..then. I thought maybe she hadn't seen how much i loved her..was she implying i had broken her heart?

But i realised one day, thankfully before she crossed over, that she was actually telling me to LIVE MY LIFE. Not just care for my parents, not just live my children's lives and not just support my husband's dream.. just because I had a big giving heart. She was reminding me of my one major flaw ..that i tend to forget how amazing I am. She just wasn't always good at finding the right words although her heart was always with the right thoughts. And it was when she saw me finally get it, when i finally remembered and started living my own dream..that she left.

I look around and see that now more than ever in my life, I have amazing women who do have the right words to keep reminding me and loving me..and sometimes my mom reminds me..in the gentle passing of a breeze. I am grateful each day for it. It makes me really powerful and beautiful.

And i tell it to my little girls everyday..i remind them that they are amazing and need to care for themselves well to keep being able to give their best to the world around them. And i do that best, by doing it for myself first of all ~

Past Imperfect

2011-03-29T10:25:00.000+08:00

“I want to move on, but I cannot forget. Why can’t I let go of the past?”

It’s easy living in a modern world where everything is so instant, where there’s a solution being chased down for every issue..where imperfections are highlighted to feed mass consumerism..it’s easy to forget...that all around us...is various stages of decay.

Take a good look around. Trees with some dead leaves and some new ones, side by side. Same tree. A grandma with wrinkled hands taking her grandkid for a walk. The young and the old, side by side. One is just starting out life, the other is almost ending it. Somewhere lies a dead bird, being taken apart by a host of ants. It probably flew a thousand miles in its lifetime. Elsewhere is a broken egg. That bird didn’t quite even make it into this world.

I can’t forget my past because...maybe I’m not meant to. Maybe like a tree, I’m a bit of the old and new, side by side. I’m a bit decay and a bit fresh life..all rolled into one. And that’s OKAY. It means like that tree and most of nature, i’m ALIVE. The advertising based on fears of imperfection perpetuated by an economic society intent on making a living through 5 million products I don’t actually need..is what i really need to forget. Because if i take a good look around me, in nature, are a million things that are hanging on to some form of the past.

And one fine day, just like you sometimes suddenly notice a tree that’s all fresh green leaves, you wake up and you’re not sad anymore..with no real clue as to what you were so depressed about. Or that struggle you’ve had for months..isn’t a struggle anymore. It all makes perfect sense in a flash of insight. And just like that, the past is gone..or more accurately, the past becomes irrelevant.

And that’s the real key..RELEVANCE. I think hanging onto the past consciously is a pursuit to find meaning. Somewhere inside me, I can let go of the actual events of the past..in fact, I have because it’s all over. What i really can’t let go of is the fact that i can’t understand the past..yet. The best way to move on from the past, is to accept it’s there..and to let go of trying to fathom it. Except..I feel like an idiot for not being able to solve the equation because i spent so many years in school being told i must know how to provide an answer.

NO. You don’t. This is LIFE. It’s not school and no one is grading you.. anymore. And if you feel you are being graded, then it’s time to either finally leave school..or take good walk outside in nature and realise you are part of a greater system than society.

We’re all a part of the natural world. And the last time i checked, nature has a lot of transitions going on.

Life is like...Eating Chocolates

2011-03-27T15:14:00.000+08:00

"The road to a woman's heart is long, paved with shortcuts of chocolate" ~ Anon

It's amazing how some research says chocolates are bad for you and then other research says it's okay after all. It reminds me of Life..with 6 billion people, there are bound to be a variety of opinions. And it's really up to ME to decide..what works for me.

I think when I was 5..i didn't know one way or another and just enjoyed a chocolate when i got a chance to eat one. And there was the key..the adults never handed me a whole box. So maybe the problem isn't chocolates after all..but more that I seem to have access now as an adult to unlimited amounts of it as i please.

The odd thing is..i don't enjoy eating a whole box of chocolates alone. It never seems to taste as good as when i SHARE it around..and sometimes, even share that ONE chocolate around if each one is a different flavour. I love being in a conversation revolving around a box of chocolates.. everyone tends to become so passionate and so involved..and nobody's ever wrong or right. Everyone's just happy they got an exquisite bite.

Yes..the shortcut to my heart may be chocolates..but only when you're going to be around to share them with me. That's their REAL charm to me.. it's something we BOTH LoVE

Sight

2011-03-26T15:05:00.001+08:00

The OWL represents wisdom..
and symbolizes the acute vision, to see in others,
and in situations that most of us do not see
❤¸.•*""*•.¸❤ ❤¸.•*""*•.¸❤ ❤¸.•*""*•.¸❤ ❤¸.•*""*•.¸❤

In the east..the Owl is seen as a sign of bad luck or bad omens. Living in Asia, I have seen owls from young..beautiful white ones in the still of the night..but i never felt afraid..their beauty sang to my soul. What joy to discover that in another part of the world..it is a totem animal of wisdom.

In my life..i have been blessed by globalisation..by meeting people from all over the world and receiving the Gift of Acceptance. Where once as a child much of what i felt and 'saw' with the eyes of my heart did not 'fit in' with the culture or society around me, and caused me to be much of a misfit in a thousand painful ways..as an adult..and especially through my real and virtual travels..i have come to see that i merely saw what was 'normal' in far away places and to far way people. I had acute vision to see what was FAR BEYOND..and while for many years that seemed almost a curse..when i SEE something different now..i know i am merely seeing something from another time and place..and that's okay, even if i'm the only one who can see it.
I am now FREE to revel in just being.. ME.

Keep the Faith..and the fLame in your heart burning.
In time..and holding on to LOVE...
you find that Life...really IS on your side all along
❤¸.•*""*•.¸❤ ❤¸.•*""*•.¸❤ ❤¸.•*""*•.¸❤ ❤¸.•*""*•.¸❤

A Hug for Every Heart

2011-03-12T18:28:00.004+08:00

"Love is always the answer to healing of any sort." - Louise L.Hay

I just wanted to hug everyone today.

In the wake of all the natural disasters in the past year, one after another..there is a fresh wave of pain around me. So many beautiful people i know have been in challenging times even before these natural tragedies..in other natural 'tragedies' like a mental health diagnosis, terminal illness and accidents..leading to financial loss, loss of self esteem, loss of family via divorce or death. Now, more people have 'joined in' the ranks of loss due to these physical disasters.

We are ALL facing some challenge, in one way or another. I don't judge a 5 year old who's heartbroken over a missing teddy bear to be in less pain than a 55 year old who's lost direction through the loss of a home or a spouse. Pain is pain. I think everyone deserves a hand to hold on to and a hug today.

Whether there's been an earthquake or not.. choosing to be Loving, Accepting and to channel Abundance to ourselves and to those around us has the power to bring about HEALING..and set us all FREE ~~~

Today..I just wanted to hug everyone ♥

The Hero

2010-12-28T03:48:00.010+08:00

"Momma, can you please put this on?"
I look at the tiny purple Barbie shoe..and the hopeful face in front of me full of unwavering faith in my abilities to save the day. The clasp doesn't fit the foot of THIS particular Barbie, and i say so. But i take it anyway..i try anyway. And i FIGURE out a way to do it. Somehow wiggling, stretching, shimming..(the barbie's foot) - i succeed.My fingers are sore and i'm stressed for no good reason but..

I receive a BIG SHINY EYED SMILE..and my 3 year old walks away on tippy-toe. A sure sign she's happy. And my sore fingers smile too. They feel so useful.

I am not saving the world today with my fingers. I am not generating economic value either.
I merely made a child feel important and happy. And she reminded me that i can do anything if i will only try with all my heart. The force of the LOVE from that moment..i believe just echoed through the Universe.

Honestly..my 3 year old thinks i'm her hero..what she doesn't realise is that she's mine.

dreaming together

2010-12-28T03:47:00.004+08:00

i shall bring the bucket..you bring the spade and we shall build sandcastles and tuck our dreams inside.. then when the waves take the castle away..they'll bring our dreams all over the world and our dreams will spread far and wide and come true ♥

The Gift ... of a Memory

2010-12-28T03:45:00.064+08:00

In the sky are stars called constellations .. and on earth they are called Friendships ©CelyaTay

When i was 9, my dad called me to his writing table. He had a scowl on his face and asked me sternly, "Did YOU write these?" I suddenly recognised those little papers in horror ... i had been writing at his table and helping myself to his stationery a little too generously it seemed. And the evidence was now in his hand.

I had better confess, I had already been caned enough to last a lifetime, mostly for being too curious for my own good for I had an awful inability to stop experimenting with life (not fun for my parents because i kept using our home as the lab). "I'm sorry ... i thought you wouldn't mind me using those papers..." was the best i could come up with. My father's only reply was, "WHERE did you copy this from?"

Oh no... now i was in for it! I hadn't copied it from anywhere ... and told him so. "ARE YOU SURE?" he asked loudly. I was a deer staring at headlights. In the past, i would be so pressured to give him any answer so he would stop being so loud, that i would end up saying ANYTHING my immature mind could rationalise as logical and end up tripping up in what seemed outright deceit. I had enough caning from those 'lies' since i was 7 to know, when in a corner .. just stay silent or tell the truth no matter how absurd it may be. "I wrote them .. i didn't copy them from anywhere... i didn't ... "i heard myself whisper.. looking him straight in the eye. "Are you sure?" my father suddenly softened his tone. My mother was staring at me in the background. I nodded. "They're brilliant", my father said ..looking at me proudly with a sheepish smile. I hadn't realised it before, but i had been holding my breath. And now, i was beaming.

On those papers were little words i had put together on my own.. little sentences that had come from somewhere inside my heart and head. Things i felt about life and love. Looking back, I can't blame my parents for suspecting their 9-year old of plagiarising things like "There is no reason for living when there isn't a reason for loving" and "In all men lie great things like an oyster in a pearl". It's only as an adult I realised with a smile that my father, an avid reader and lover of words, probably interrogated me so he could read whatever book i was copying from !

It's years later, and I give a silent thank you that my father dramatically confronted me about those little notes. For one fine day, it resurfaced in my mind and became a precious memory that spoke to me about something i hadn't realised all along ... my calling and destiny to be a writer.

In The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, are these precious lines

"The Boy didn’t know what a person’s ‘destiny’ was… It’s what you have always wanted to accomplish. Everyone, when they are young knows what their destiny is.”

It is truth, for i look back now at my entire life and everywhere along the way ... i have always shined as a word-smith. A writer. The words come from around me, swirling in the air .. and they beckon me to be put together .. to be placed in the physical reality of this world. They want to be more than a promise, they want to be real and speak hope ..speak love .. speak truth ... speak to build and affirm a solid home in my heart .. and gradually, a desire to build solid homes in many hearts.

I started writing this with a quote on how i view friendship as earthly constellations .. precisely the kind of words that seem to leap from the air into my head and command to be put on paper. And as i write this now, i realise that the memory of that day when i was 9 came back to me after my father had crossed over. Perhaps, he felt it was time to remind me ... his gift for me from heaven, or maybe, he's still waiting for that book ~

✿ i'm 4 ... already holding a pencil well and writing my heart out :) .. Destiny ✿

Love

2010-12-28T03:44:00.001+08:00

Love isn't around us. Love is IN us...waiting to come out into the sunshine and meet other hearts ♥

Affirmation

2010-12-28T03:41:00.003+08:00

"i blow the wind of encouragement your way..so your boat will move just a little further from shore and catch the wind already waiting for you in the middle of the ocean of all possibilities

"Let your heart be your compass...and your mind the sails. And let the wind of Love take you far and wide..to where you belong ♥

Commitment = Dancing in the Rain

2010-12-28T03:35:00.007+08:00

Too many people only decide whether they like their partner's strengths..but that's actually not even a decision. That's merely falling in love. Staying in love is deciding whether you are okay with your partner's flaws.

I think that's what committed relationships are really about. Can i 'put up' with someone's weaknesses as well as i 'put up' with their strengths? That's what we really need to decide in forming a long term partnership: "Can i LIVE with YOUR 'FLAWS' knowing you may work on them or not, and that even if you work on them..just because you love me enough to try..they may never go away?"

If you can say yes to that..and mean it, you'll both get through the storms that WILL come. Rain is inevitable..it's a law of nature. Better just to choose your umbrella upfront..then you can dance in the rain ♥

A beautiful woman

2010-12-28T03:34:00.002+08:00

There is nothing more beautiful to a man than a woman confident despite her
flaws,
and nothing more valuable to a woman than another woman who
shares her struggles..

A beautiful woman embraces her flaws and makes them her allies, not her foes

Love..Flows

2010-12-28T03:29:00.004+08:00

Water follows the shape of it's container..ever flexible..
and yet it always stays water..
no matter what shape it takes.
Water is gentle..yet cuts through rock

Let your LOVE be... like water ~

Love..Releases

2010-12-28T03:27:00.003+08:00

All things in life have seasons..
and all relationships have a PURPOSE..
those we link with are mirrors
and some do not stay..
as they need to be on their own journey
as we are on ours

some can only grow
if they leave the shade of our branches..
a tree does not go after those who leave her side..
she stays constant
knowing she is there with open arms
BOTH to Embrace and to Let Go..

ALL relationships are a test of our own NEED

Walk into an open field holding on to a balloon..
say a prayer for what was and how it's blessed you
then open your hands and LET GO

ALL IS AS IT SHOULD BE
LOVE makes sure of that at all times ♥

The Power of One..Multiplied

2010-12-22T17:41:00.003+08:00

Each bulb is shining bright, because that's what it's meant to do.
All connected to the same power source.
Go far enough..and you can see: The power of one.. Multiplied

JOY

2010-12-22T17:40:00.001+08:00

“A laugh is a smile that bursts” ~ Mary H. Waldrip

Ode to Shiloh

2010-12-22T17:34:00.007+08:00

I made a postcard for my friend Leo Lemon of his cat Shiloh..
He framed it up (thank you Leo!)
and here is Shiloh - sitting proudly under his very own
"Ode to Shiloh"

TOOO precious
gorgeous kitty...i LOVE it ♥

Here's the postcard :)

Open Skies

2010-12-22T17:20:00.004+08:00

When i was 10, i had one dream..to travel. I wanted to see OPEN sky. I lived in a small home, with iron bars on every window..and the houses crowded next to each other. It was lovely though to just have a home. We started out in a wooden house in a village and that seemed poor but it was heaven to me because it was surrounded by nature..and i could run free outside. Here in the city behind iron bars i was grateful to have the washroom inside, where i could turn on a light, instead of outside..where it was pitch dark. Yet i had traded a safer washroom for my ability to run outside and play. Outside cars passed by and i was kept in all the time where it was 'safe'. So i got used to those bars..but i never stopped dreaming that somewhere was a life for me without bars and with plenty of sky. Someday i would be free to BREATHE in the open air.

At 18, I earned a scholarship to study in New Zealand - also known as Aoteroa. Land of the Long White Cloud. Which meant it was FULL OF AMAZING OPEN SKY. All my dorm rooms in New Zealand had no bars and always, i got the room with a view of open sky. I travelled all of New Zealand during summer and had my fill of open skies. My dream had come true. I cherished and savoured every minute of it.

I still look for a patch of open sky every day. Standing on a beach, driving in a car, sitting at a park, standing in my yard with my eyes upward. I NEVER take it for granted. It reminds me where i was once was, and where i am now. Open air and open skies remind me daily that DREAMS DO COME TRUE ~

Originally posted on Facebook Fan Page on Monday, 24 May 2010

Space for Darkness

2010-12-22T17:17:00.003+08:00

If we go far enough into outer space..we see that the earth is both night and day at the very same time. It's then we realise that both night and day are ONE and the SAME..the difference merely a matter of timing and perception.

It helps to accept that pain has a place in this world. It helps to accept the sunset and give yourself freedom to receive comfort from some stars on moonless night. And if there is no moon, find a single candle. Anything that makes it OKAY to be in the dark for a while. For however long you need to, to heal.

Only - fight to stay AWARE that the Sun is STILL shining even though you can't see it.

Sometimes it takes a tornado to tear down what's already dilapitated..because we just won't move on to a safer, better home or make the necessary repairs and changes. But when a tornado happens and it's destroyed..we feel the pain, but almost a sense of relief even that it's finally over. THEN at last we have the reason to pick up and do what we needed to all along.

An oyster makes dirt into a pearl.
Our pain and darkness too - can be a seed for great Beauty and LoveShine.

Today - I allow myself UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE AND LOVE ♥

Originally posted on Facebook Fan Page on Wednesday 26 May 2010

A Letter to My Daughters

2010-12-22T16:19:00.003+08:00

Girls, each of you have been a precious gift to me. I could never have learnt as much as I have, grown so much, experienced so much of life, without being your mother. You are each amazing people, and it's a privilege to watch you bloom.

Yet, some days you must feel you are a burden more than a joy to me. The truth is, on those days it's my own sense of lack, my own feeling that I can't be enough for you, that makes me sad and distant - even angry. That is hard on us both.

I love you. But its not enough to love you deep down, I know you need to feel loved high up too. So I think we need to accept this about each other - that sometimes I must love you high up in ways you prefer and that at other times I can only love you high up in ways that I prefer. The point I want you to see is that whatever the way, I am loving you. Accepting this would mean we can truly enjoy each other, without the burden of high expectations placed on each other.

Loving you is not a chore, so I won't make it so.

Loving me is not a demand, so don't act or think like it is so.
Let us love each other freely, simply because
we are meant to be together,
because it is written in the STARs..
That I am your mother..
that love will flow from the Universe to you from me
and that it will return to me from you.
A complete circle, a constellation neither you nor I can ever undo..

Originally posted on Facebook Fan Page Friday 16 July 2010

Light the Candle..of your heart

2010-12-22T16:17:00.003+08:00

And these three remain: faith, hope and love. but the greatest of these is LOVE

Everyday..whether a song, a short movie clip, an excerpt of a book..or merely watching someone lovely for 5 minutes..or a flower even..awaken LOVE inside you

This is the poet's way..or else his words, his music or his brush will still...and the world will mourn after he is gone because he wasted away in silence..And they will regret that they did not shield him more from the darker parts of reality..so that he could brighten their days for more and for longer..

But what if YOU are the poet? Then seek all that will keep you shielded..all that will keep you safe in your dream..so your candle will remain burning and become a great fire that can never be engulfed..

And your brush, your song, your words..will flow freely..
blessing many as it finds its way back to the ocean of love.

Originally posted on Facebook Fan Page on Tuesday 3 August 2010

Honouring Space for Pain

2010-12-22T16:11:00.007+08:00

Taking in the laundry..a gecko rushed frantically away from me, as i reached for the sheet on the fencing. Poor soul..it didn't know i meant no harm. Anyone who knows me could tell that gecko, i would never deliberately harm. But perhaps it thought i may harm it by accident? I can't be sure.

All i do know is that gecko reminded me of so many people i have met in this lifetime..who shrink away from a meaningful encounter. From a relationship. From an opportunity. From a second chance. Because like that little panicked gecko..they are wary from memories of the past. Or avoiding the uncertainties of the future. Scarred by what has been and by imaginary could be's - they merely react. And never truly give themselves a chance to respond to what's contained in the NOW.

Yet just like i understood that gecko, i understand their panic. I am no longer hurt when another rejects me, or runs the other way. I understand now that it's never truly about me or against me. I need not feel hurt..not by a panicky gecko, not by a judgemental stranger, not by a distant friend nor an angry lover. Instead, now when someone runs away or rejects me..i see a gecko. I accept they have some form of pain. Accept that there is no need to judge them or myself. Accept that there is no need to become defensive..but to simply honour the other's need for time to heal and move on. I think this was one of the greatest acts of kindness given to me when i was a gecko not too long ago..and i am glad to now pass on the love.

Original post on Facebook Fan Page on Sunday, 22 August 2010

Free as the Wind

2010-12-22T16:08:00.004+08:00

When you stand in a strong breeze ..if you close your eyes and stay in THAT moment alone..no past nor future..and if you choose..you can actually SEND a part of you along with that breeze..

Stand facing the wind..
Close your eyes..or open them if the view soothes your soul
Open your heart and then focus on 'jumping into that wind'
Then actually visualise the breeze going THROUGH you
and a part of yourself going away with that breeze
as it travels on..
it's VERY powerful and healing

i imagine all that is negative in me..
the debris of remaining negative energies i am unconscious of ..all of it going away with that breeze

and in that moment..

i feel VERY free and wild
and sometimes...i can see places i am not at and i know..
it is part of me in that breeze traveling on
free as the wind ~~

Originally posted on Facebook Fan Page on Wednesday, 25 August 2010

Normal..is just a setting on my washing machine

2010-12-22T16:04:00.003+08:00

When you have a challenge..like bipolar, or autism, or depression..or a weak kidney.. you actually have two choices: Live It Up or Survive. To me, it's an opportunity to finally Live It Up because now you get to REALLY live life fully. A challenge makes you wake up and make choices and really push limits and know what you are all truly capable of achieving in life. So many people have routine lives and get bored to death inside. But a challenge provides just that extra ingredient in your life that can make you live your best life EVER.

There is no such thing as a disability..in God's eyes all of us are disabled in one way or another..a fiery destructive temper, silent passive aggression, stubborn irresponsibility, thoughtless critic. Are't those disabilities too? (In fact, they actually wreck far more lives) So 'disability' is actually just a pointless label. Heard of the woman who has no arms who can fly an aeroplane? The man with no limbs who can swim? I see them and i think..who's actually disabled? More like the people who complain that life is tough and do nothing but expect others to make it easier for them. Or those who could do something to ease the burden for others, but choose to stay indifferent. These are the true 'disabled' in my eyes.

Nope..if you have a challenge (even if it IS a fiery destructive temper) - you actually have the opportunity to have a better life than most. You can become more conscious of your choices and responses and by doing so, live better deliberately - you Live It Up.

Yes, you will have rainy days - who doesn't? Nature even has typhoons and floods hit the landscape, why should your heartscape be any different? Rainy days are NOT a measure of the quality of your life. It's what you do when the sun is shining - that truly defines an extraordinary life worth living

Originally posted on Facebook Fan Page on Friday, 27 August 2010

Relationships...

2010-12-20T13:44:00.005+08:00

All things in life have seasons..
and all relationships have a PURPOSE..
those we link with are mirrors
and some do not stay..
as they need to be on their own journey
...as we are on ours

some can only grow
if they leave the shade of our branches..
a tree does not go after those who leave her side..
she stays constant
knowing she is there with open arms
BOTH to Embrace and to Let Go..

ALL relationships are a test of our own NEED

Walk into an open field holding on to a balloon..
say a prayer for what was and how it's blessed you
then open your hands and LET GO

ALL IS AS IT SHOULD BE
LOVE makes sure of that at all times ♥

Love is...a RISK everyone takes

2010-12-20T13:39:00.002+08:00

i risked a lot..gained a lot..lost a lot..still have a lot..
in the end..LOVE always WILL FIND A WAY

trick is loving..not because you need to
but because you want to

heart love not mind love is what endures..
because what is rooted in our soul cannot perish

20 years with the same man
name it..we've been through it
which is why i say..
LOVE WILL FIND A WAY

to those who rush into romance without care
it is the fervour of youth and adventure
but hey..aren't we ALL supposed to experience something like that once in a lifetime?

just need to forgive ourselves and the other.
not to blame love
but realise that it's okay..it's okay..
to be young and have to learn from the school of life
open back the heart
even to the same lover who has hurt you..
after we have made peace with ourselves
it's actually our own reflection in the mirror
we need to love most
and then..quite naturally,
our heart will be a true compass
pointing north to the one
we are meant to have companionship with
for the parts of the journey where two are better than one ♥

Where LOVE Roams Free

2010-09-15T11:46:00.001+08:00

Why do people live with limits willingly? I always wonder why they choose the pain of being trapped rather than the pain of working towards their dreams. It's pain both ways after all. Isn't it more torture to be trapped? Or maybe the cage becomes a safety net..against the risk of disappointment. If you don't try then you can always imagine you could have..but if you try and fail? You don't even have the dream anymore.

It's the word FAIL that i see as the real cage. Is it true..that failure is not getting what we want, the way we wanted it? Or is it true that failure means you didn't get it at the pace others have set for you to attain their version of YOUR success? If it's YOUR dream..then how could anyone else understand it? And if they cannot fathom it, how could they ever be qualified to judge it..and deem it a success or not?

That you DARED to DREAM is success.
That you DARED to TRY is success.
That you DARED to take the WALK ..one step at a time..is success.
That you DARED to be TRUE to YOUR OWN HEART..is a success.
Most of all..
That you DARED to REJECT FEAR and JUDGEMENT..is the greatest success of all.

There is no failure..except one..that you stayed in a cage content to live with the sadness of being unable to use your wings.

But what if merely cherishing your dreams is what makes you happy after all?
What if living within limits becomes your comforter..and makes you secure and more able to love others?
Then i can see..

That to DARE to live WITHOUT NEEDING DREAMS TO COME TRUE...can be success,
BUT ONLY IF it is what fuels the love within you to flow freely to yourself and others.

For perhaps you are a Penguin or an Ostrich or a Kiwi bird..and need not actually fly at all.
Or perhaps like a pampered parakeet, you actually prefer your humble home and sing best in it.
So then, if limits, your 'cage' does not make you love less, or halt love from flowing freely from within you..
perhaps that is all your dreams are FOR..to stay a mere inspiring sunset upon the horizon.

For LOVE doesn't take count of HOW you let your love flow free..as long as it does.
And i would do well to emulate Love..and never again judge, what is the best path to freedom.
It would seem, as different as we all are..we have as many different ways of getting there..
where LOVE roams FREE.

On the Wings of Failure

2010-07-30T16:28:00.002+08:00

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how much you've tried. You will still fail.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how much you have believed. You will still fail.

At the end of the day, it doesn't' matter how much you've loved. You will still fail.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how far you have come. You will still fail.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how strong you have been. You will still fail.

Because failure is measured by standards others set..
and not by a measure of what we are capable of.

Because failure is measured by what others choose to see..
and not what you know to be true.

Because failure makes others comfortably right in their own weaknesses..
regardless of how brave you have been in dealing with the blows.

No matter what, you will fail.
Because people want a security blanket and are glad when you provide it.

Success isn't really something anyone outside of you can actually measure.
In fact, accepting failure is like gaining wings...

Knowing you will eventually fail in someone's eyes can grant you the power to go the distance, keep on loving and continue giving your best shot.

Because once you accept failure is a mere perception, a judgement and a projection of another person's personal beliefs, and not a just measure of your truth, failure loses its sting.

In its place remains a conviction to be affirmed and valued for who you are. You gain inspiration to pursue what your heart alone yearns for. And whatever that is, success is yours the moment you choose to obey that inner call. Because the moment you choose to accept that failure is a mere label, you stop fearing it and rise above its power to immobilise. And THAT is the greatest success of all.

My Hero: The Seed

2010-07-07T11:24:00.003+08:00

Like a seed in the ground..
pushing it's way
out of the dark casing, the dark soil..

nobody can see
it's there and struggling daily..
fighting all odds
to just pop out into the open..
and see the sun

it just keeps going..
focusing on using
whatever God has already stored inside it
when it was made
for as long as it can..
and on establishing roots that will steady it for life.

Oh my hero is the seed
in the ground
that turns into a might oak
in time

merely from it's tenacity
to go with the flow of the elements
however kind however harsh
focusing only on the simplicity
of making it through
just one more day
no more no less

and in time...
it gives amazing bounty to the world around
all the while
still doing the same
it's always done..

..reaching for the sun
and steadying it's roots
come what may.

For a Mother

2010-05-10T15:42:00.002+08:00

To all Mothers

I understand and salute you
One day of the year is NOTHING
compared to the other 364
that goes by with large doses

of being misunderstood
...despite good intentions
of endless complaints
...despite best efforts
of lonely fears
...so everyone else will stay brave
of unfinished self expressions
...because little hungry tummies can't wait
and baths and sleep mean the world to a 2 year old.

Unsung heroes
for the most part..
but more than praise and thank you,
more than anything..
we would like to be GIRLS again
carefree and pretty
and for everyone to
put down all their expectations.

Just because i am MOM
does not mean i am no longer ME
i'm still a girl at heart
JUST a GIRL..at heart ~

Love isn't there to make us happy

2010-04-26T01:15:00.004+08:00

"Love isn't there to make us happy. I believe it exists to show us how much we can endure - Hermann Hesse"

I agree with Herman Hesse...for i can see the angle he is coming from.

Love doesn't exist for our comfort. Love exists to help us grow and evolve and become our best. And that isn't always comfortable, nor does it always make us happy. Initially anyway. When we finally align with Love's true purpose, then our joy comes. Our sense of happiness blooms to know we are in the caring arms of Love within and without.

We can then see that there is no good OR bad. For seeing things in 'this or that' mode as if we have only one choice or another, is dual-ity thinking. Instead, when we begin to think in uni-ty we can see that both are sides of the same coin..like night and day exist side by side. We can then see that Love knew all along that it was neither good nor bad, but simply what was NEEDED for us to grow to our better self.

Perhaps this is what Hesse means when he says that love exists "to show us how much we can endure". In that when we are finally stretched beyond measure and suddenly..snap free..we become aware of our own great power.

Love isn't there to make us happy.
Love is there to AWAKEN us to the true meaning of happiness...

Accept...then Act

2010-04-15T13:38:00.006+08:00

Accept - then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if YOU HAD CHOSEN IT. Always WORK WITH IT, NOT against it. Make it your friend and ALLY, NOT your enemy. This will miraculously transform your whole life ~ E.Tolle

Anger is my Friend..

2010-04-11T05:27:00.001+08:00

"We think that if we frighten people away, we can avoid being hurt even more. In fact, just the opposite is the case. By covering our wounds with armor we are preventing them from being healed. By lashing out at others we keep ourselves from getting the love and nourishment we need." ~ Osho

Anger is just a response to pain. When i'm angry..i realise one of two things. I'm either feeling extremely helpless. Or i am being ignored, and feeling extremely invalidated. Making friends with these two feelings, i come to recognise them as fears and experiences carried forward from my childhood. While they were my enemies, they had become automatic triggers for anger in my adult life. But now that they are friends - i can recognise them better for who they truly are, and deal with the pain better. At that instant when i realise i am actually feeling helpless or invisible..the anger dissipates. Because at that very moment when i recognise the cause of my pain..I am then ENABLED to find a way to stop being helpless or make myself visible again.

Anger does make me lash out. But stopping to recognise my pain-triggers helps me reach out instead..for the love and nourishment i need to ease that pain. And suddenly..those 'nasty' triggers have become my friends. Allies. Suddenly the pain ...has led me to have MORE not less LOVE in my life

Bloom

2010-04-06T09:53:00.001+08:00

Want, and Let Go

2010-04-06T09:45:00.003+08:00

After a lifetime of longing, i no longer NEED. And it seems THIS is the key to finally HAVING.

What do i feel right now? I feel ALL that i WANT to CREATE.

That ALL possibilities lie ahead of me. That i can choose to go anywhere from here. Like a blank canvass ready for any masterpiece. Empty of all that i have been made to believe i am, i am OPEN. I allow all that is good to flow to me, expecting only what is best..because i will not settle for less. I believe in love and love will always find a way.

Love will ALWAYS find a way ~

Noor E Khuda (GOD'S LIGHT)

2010-03-22T00:25:00.004+08:00

"On broken hopes and dreams, this world survives.."

So much pain and fear in the world today...
in the lives around me
even in my own life
for i am but human
and FEEL

Does God care?
Does God exist?

In my lowest moments..
I've learnt to QUESTION GOD
Be honest with my pain and doubt
and strangely..
my honesty always brings God's honesty
back to me

Yes..GOD EXISTS
for as long as i carry GOD'S LIGHT inside of me
GOD REMAINS..amongst us

I don't want to fight anymore...
I just don't care who is right or wrong anymore...
Just Give Me Your Hand..
whatever colour
whatever your belief
...and TOGETHER
'WE' will shine brighter
NOOR E KHUDA (GOD'S LIGHT) ~

I love this song..from the movie My Name is Khan. I think it's healthy when people reach a point where they're so fed up, they give up their beliefs..

because that's when they decide on new beliefs
..you decide to be friends with everyone because it's less tiring holding hands than it is to hold a grudge, or an opinion.

CHOICES

2010-03-19T14:19:00.009+08:00

At a crossroad today...DECISIONS DECISIONS..
Have you been here too?

Close your eyes and spin three times and then see what's ahead?
Sit down with pen and paper and list down your yes or no's?

How do you decide what to do?

Maybe, i get down on my knees..
and in the still silence of my soul..
hear God whisper...
whatever you CH OOSE..
TRUST IN ME TO LOVE YOU THROUGH IT
all the way to the end

and THIS at LAST..
points my heart
to what i need to do
like a compass points north
strong and true ~

Imperfect

2010-03-17T14:13:00.002+08:00

Love is a CHOICE. Every road you take HAS a happy ending - but there are always mountains to climb midway REGARDLESS of the road you choose.

But if it's a road we are more comfortable to travel, that resonates with us strongly - then the Mountains become WORTH climbing and we are less likely to judge, quit, complain, b lame but far more likely to be creative, channel the power of gratitude and gain comfort of solid friendships to see us through ~ ♥

There are no PERFECT relationships on earth. No matter WHO you link up with, there are bound to be really difficult moments between as our romantic partners are the Mirrors life gives us - the ones that reflect OUR imperfections all too clearly...

And not the perfect love of our partners, but only SELF LOVE..the Love that springs from WITHIN ourselves out into the world ...has the REAL POWER to smooth our imperfections away and help us evolve into more beautiful hearts here on earth ~

The Puzzle of Life

2010-03-02T10:33:00.002+08:00

Life is a series of puzzle pieces.
And it's hard to play it well or fix it up without ever seeing the big picture first.
What's the big picture?

I think it's that all of us are connected.
That we either Love or be Unloving.

All the information, all the knowledge, all the issues that arise -
I simply ask
"Does this add value to my life by adding LOVE?"
"Am i being LOVING here?"

And suddenly the best way to fix a piece becomes clear.

Wishing you LOVE today ♥ ~*v*~

HeartSong

2010-02-04T16:53:00.006+08:00

God gave me wings so i could fly
God gave me tears so i could cry
God gave me freedom so i could have choice
God gave me words so i would have a voice

But for all of this there is a price
Something that often
makes me think twice..

An Open Heart is God's request
Unafraid of pain, Unafraid of tests
A Heart that Loves beyond compare
that will not stop because of cares

It is not easy this price so dear
But it is one i pay without much fear
For i know my God
and i know my place
My heart stays strong...
when i dwell in his Grace.

2009-12-14T12:39:00.006+08:00

At the end of the day..i forgive, i let go, i am kind, i pursue my dreams despite criticism.. because i am doing it for MY evolution, to fulfil MY calling and purpose God put me here for..to stretch MY wings and fly.

If i don't forgive, it's ME who loses out the power to Love better. If i don't try, it's ME who loses peace of mind filled with "what ifs" and regrets.
It's not being Selfish.

Marianne Williamson and Paulo Coelho say rightly that we are afraid most of all of our own greatness..we are raised to be so self-conscious and our own sense of martyrdom appeals to us..to feel guilty about succeeding when so many around us are struggling.

But the truth is that only if we shine, can we become a candle in that dark room and shed light for EVERYONE else around to SEE as well..and awaken to the equal greatness they contain within - put there the day they were made by the Source that made them and you and me..and us all.. ♥

Self- Love is aligning with Source and daring to Live by the power we gain from that connection.
Selfishness is focusing on survival, shrinking away from that connection because we dare not trust in it or ourselves or others.

We do not do what is good because we have to. Because we are told to. Because we will suffer otherwise. No. We do what is highest good because we have WINGS, and what good are wings if we don't fly? We do what is highest good to feel the wind beneath our wings, to breathe in the beauty of being so high and free.. We do what is LOVING because it is what sets us FREE to BE the greatness we are meant to be~

A Letter for My Heart

2009-10-24T14:48:00.008+08:00

"I have found that there is one collective truth, that is that Love is at the very centre of all our existence. That Love is the opposing force to everything that makes 'us' be who we are, this being the ego, the illusion, a basis made of nothing but the opposing force to Love, this being fear." ~ My Dear Friend Dan Warb

The Unity of Diversity

2009-10-22T23:39:00.003+08:00

I noticed today a discussion where each person was putting forth a truth..a beautiful truth they had each discovered and in this discussion, there were so many various angles of the truth..that it almost seemed as if there was an invisible yet palpable, growing desire to find the 'actual' truth in everyone's truth..

Standing on the outside with the eyes of Acceptance open in my heart..i saw that it was actually amazing..all the valid disagreements and yet, all the unity and grace as everyone put forth their own view.

Isn't it amazing that there are so many perspectives of the same? So many different opinions of what truth is..

This is exactly why there are so many of us, all one Great Spirit and yet manifested as many unique soulprints..to bring diversity to this world as there are many colourful and diverse creatures in the sea.

The truth may just be that each of us sees a different angle of the same prism.. and each has to see only that angle for their unique placing in life's path And yet..one day we find another prism view, almost as if we are ready for it as it is ready for us..because we have evolved, our journey has brought us to a different landscape..

And so, all views could be true..for isn't that the true beauty of the Divine - it fits everyone beautifully and meets us right where our specific soul is?

Rest

2009-10-21T19:41:00.004+08:00

Sometimes i can't think

i can't feel

i can't even breathe right

i need to rest

Pause, put on hold, take a break.

Even if it's from living my dreams.

Image: Mermaid taking a nap by Efira

Darkness is merely an absence of Light

2009-10-16T18:57:00.014+08:00

"People cause suffering when they are suffering themselves. Alleviating their suffering will probably remove their inclination to create it for others" David Blaine

Recipe for TURNING ON THE LIGHT:

(works equally well for self and for others)

Where there is Fear, allow in Love.

Where there is Lack, identify an existing Abundance.

Where there is Judgement, opt instead to exercise Acceptance.

When i hand out these balloons, they make hearts LIGHTer..and life so much BRIGHTER

Free Spirit

2009-10-13T14:52:00.004+08:00

I love the way dandelions seem to just float off indefinitely..to me they are the perfect ambassadors of marrying freedom with trust.. they go for as long and as far as they can with a breeze and wherever they land, they give their all to grow. I like that attitude towards change. Life is full of change and if i can embrace them unafraid and with a willingness to work with it, i too can not just survive BUT thrive wherever i finally land ~

Life is a Garden

2009-10-11T10:56:00.003+08:00

i am the one doing the waiting..

many many little seeds around me
that's how i see life
when there are things i'd rather see happen NOW

i take a step back and reframe
that they are actually seeds or seedlings
and then
i can see how i should wait patiently
for Nature , the Universe, Love
to set the perfect pace
for everyone including me

most of all me

Making Time for Me

2009-09-25T19:13:00.003+08:00

When life gets overwhelming..i enjoy being outside in nature or making friends with my feelings in a notebook..

Time spent just investing in me, brings great returns to everyone else in my life when i return refreshed and energised to once again be the best i can be.

Dealing with Pain

2009-09-10T16:37:00.007+08:00

The more i live, the more i see that none of us have it easy and yet..none of us need to have it hard on ourselves either. It's all about finding the right mix/balance of self-love to give and receive. And the best we can all do is to affirm each other. I don't think in 'right or wrong', 'black or white' anymore..not after so much has hit me and so many people did more damage than good trying to judge before they supported. We all walk in different shoes, but a blister is a blister. They don't hurt differently just because they were caused by different shoes. So i don't ask anymore what shoe it was or why they wore the shoe..i just get the salve and band aids. They have enough pain dealing with the blister without me helping them focus on it even more.

Loving acceptance is going beyond judging, and coming from a place of compassion that acknowledges that pain is pain. There is no pain greater or lesser than another's. Is a 5 year old crying over spilt paint over her artistic creation in less pain than a man who has lost his job? Or are the consequences of a lost job just harder to deal with and so we grade it as a higher pain? Both need affirmation, both need understanding. Each person's pain is relative to their own capacity of dealing with it. To offer comfort and healing, is to offer love that does not 'grade' one person's pain over another's. We all hurt and bleed, and bleeding one pint or bleeding five pints is no less painful. Perhaps it is each person's threshold of pain that we actually judge..and if this is so, then perhaps it is the amount and administration of affirmation that differs. But in all instances, there is need for affirmation. And if this so, then perhaps it is easier to do away with judging altogether for what purpose does it really play in offering the support required? If it is to help me decide how much of my own time and effort to contribute, then isn't it far better for me to evaluate myself rather than the person receiving my care?

When i am in a place of self love and my own love tank is full, i can affirm and support others better. So in that sense, affirming others isn't about how much they 'deserve' it, but more about how i feel about myself and how much i have to give. All the more reason to love myself well. It truly is what makes me love others better. And for that matter, perhaps it is why i have learnt to embrace pain better..for when i learn to heal myself as an act of self love, it empowers me to affirm others through their inevitable pains too.

The Child in Me

2009-09-02T14:43:00.011+08:00

I know what it is like to struggle with depression, for although on the surface it seemed that my life was enviable, i had so many buried griefs. In the last two years alone i have had to juggle the overwhelming emotional responses brought on (simulatenously) by the death of a key person in my life, the irreversible mental health diagnosis of another, as well as the responsibility of caring for a new life alongside the ongoing need to care for other little lives dependant on me. Without a clue on how to reach out for the emotional support i badly needed, and at a time when my self-esteem was at its lowest - i finally collapsed.

But what a blessing..the emotional wounds forced me to sink or swim. I had three small children so i HAD to swim and that’s how i found inner child healing. It turned out that i had much grief accumulated from childhood, and by going back and affirming the child that i once was, still in pain inside of me, i was able to start healing emotionally. It involved many tears, many painful episodes of anger and loneliness - the dark night of the soul - as i allowed many of the hurts to surface and be acknowledged. But being honest with myself was the most loving thing i did for myself and for the people i loved (although they could not always see it as so much negativity was pouring out from me). But eventually..after all the hurt was allowed, good memories of my past suddenly started appearing and becoming clearer as if they had actually been trapped beneath all the layers of pain above them. I started feeling genuinely good about life and believing in the inherent good in people again.

So now, i continue to love my inner child and be honest with my feelings by allowing them space to be acknowledged. Just like my children need to both grieve and receive comfort when they get hurt or sad by their own choices or by others, i have learnt to accept that i too have that same need in dealing with my own hurts and griefs, both self-imposed and those caused by the choices of others. It isn't easy, given the years of conditioning i've had to be critical and 'tough' on myself both as a child and even more as an adult, but i'm learning well, spurred on by how good it feels to be able to breathe freely again.

In all of us there is a child, and that child never goes away. Loving that child is the key to so much healing and a greater horizon of happiness ~

The Forgiveness Factor

2009-08-06T17:47:00.008+08:00

Lately i have been looking at the thin line between selfishness and self-love..it can be tricky for some to self love without becoming selfish ..and yet to genuinely self love actually enables me to become self-less in a more giving way

I think this is the magic in life..
two sides of the same coin
but facing it the right way up
is the only way up that opens the lock

I'm in a very dense relationship and it keeps holding me back from being the true free spirit i am ..but it's where my soul has chosen to be, to perfect a karmic lesson it needs to learn..
and it seems to come down to one simple thing..forgiveness.

It keeps everything simple to recognise that since we are all ONE..we all inevitably err..and instead of overanalysing or being too hard on ourselves (or others)..we can choose to recover quickly and move back to JOY

forgiveness.. another face of compassion
another name for LOVE

It's MY Life

2009-08-04T16:40:00.007+08:00

Is it really good practice to just live MY own life? To mind MY own business and do MY own thing?

In many ways, it is. For we are all unique, each on a road no other could ever travel or comprehend. And so, the values and principles i choose to live by are based on MY truths that are unique to my own set of circumstances and constraints in life.
And yet, isn't it possible to take these words as a license to do as i please without a true heart of compassion or realisation to the fact that, whether by form or by spirit, we are all truly connected in word, deed and thought to one another? It follows then that every choice i make impacts others whether i dare to admit it or not..

Yes, i can Live MY Life..but

we are ALL CONNECTED
and all that i choose to say and do and think and feel
like a ripple............
reaches the farthest shore from me

Yes, i can Live MY Life..but

living from my heart
i choose to affirm
and uphold another
by choosing every word and deed
with LOVE
rather than justice

for every ripple from another
responding to my choices
reaches right back
to me.

Living My Dreams

2009-07-30T00:38:00.004+08:00

"Enjoy the journey for we never arrive.." ~ Dan Warb

My friend Dan said this to me today. He called me a clever girl first which completely made him my favourite man of the day of course, but it's what he said after that truly spoke to my heart.

Yes, life is a journey and there is NO DESTINATION.

I have spent the past week wondering where i want to go from here..having accomplished all my dreams that i dreamt as a teenager.

Dan's words make me wonder..if perhaps, the next part of my dreams are to just live at random, from my heart..guided only by LOVE.
After all, i've spent the first 30 years guided by reason, in complete logical practicality and it's become a hard habit to break. I'm sure if i throw in some animal instinct in the mix and find a right balance, i'm sure to come out a winner.

Maybe that in itself is the new dream..

Going by the truth ringing in Dan's words..i think i could from now on wake up everyday with a new dream.
And never have to worry about whether i'm getting closer to yesterday's dream..as long as daily.. I HAVE A DREAM.

Let Go and Dance

2009-07-09T11:25:00.009+08:00

Sometimes when you've reached the end, you just need to LET GO. At some point, we realise that we really can't ever have control of anything and that life is a tune that plays regardless of our preference for the music. We just learn to stop trying to change the music, or staying off the dance floor in a sulk and start learning to dance instead. It's not giving in or giving up - it's accepting. Accepting isn't defeat. It's wisely adjusting your sails according to the wind so you keep moving forward.

It's a self-loving thing to do..to ALLOW ourselves to seem weak and accept what we don't want. Truth is, it takes far more courage to let go and accept, and then to grow and flourish despite the setbacks..

And eventually, you realise that you can dance quite well and that the music itself doesn't matter anymore. But the only way to get there is to get up and dance, regardless of the music.

Caring is NOT worrying about Others

2009-07-07T11:26:00.006+08:00

"What is an “Act of Caring?” It is a simple two step process which always begins with Step One: Paying Attention to the Needs of Someone or Something. This means to watch and listen with your ears, your mind and heart in order to determine someone else’s needs. Step Two: Giving. Give to the person (or thing) in order to help them feel secure and to grow and evolve, to become more of who they are. To care for yourself is also a vital component to your own happiness and when you identify and pay attention to your own needs and respond to yourself in order to feel more secure and to grow you are caring for yourself.

Caring is not worrying about others. It is about genuine concern and responding to needs in order for growth to occur. It is.. caring that allows the Soul’s love to awaken and solve the problems, heal the confusion and end the pain."

~Michaiel Patrick Bovenes

So, Caring is NOT worrying about others. It is responding to another's need in order to enable them to become more of who they are. Not who i think they could be, or who they may become, or who i need them to be.

And how do i know if there has been genuine caring?

If Love then flows into the other being (or into myself) on its own accord, and the being then becomes ENABLED to deal with life with their own God-given birthright-store of inner wisdom and life-giving intuition.

What a beautiful truth i can accept today and set not just myself, but so many others free with as i start CARING the way caring is meant to be ~ <3

artwork by Stephanie Law

Slowing Down Isn't Regressing

2009-07-01T23:51:00.010+08:00

I am alone now at last as my angels are asleep. I love them dearly, but would be dishonest not to admit that lately i have been struggling inside to store my heart-powered wings away to attend to their earthly needs. I have been making so much progress on the journey of my heart..and to have to slow down feels almost like i am giving up and losing out on chances i may never gain again. Thus begins the struggle within me.

How easy it is for us to feel negative whenever we are growing in strides, and then find ourselves slowing down or even halting. And gradually, it breeds the feeling of failure. But then redemption comes when i remember that after a long walk through beautiful landscapes, the best thing to do at sunset is to rest for the night and dwell back on the pleasantness of the day, basking in the shadow of the beauty i have personally encountered once more in my heart and mind as i unwind for the night. It is not weakness to turn in for the night and enjoy the stars and seek comfort for my body.. it is the most natural thing to do after a long day out playing.

Why do we feel that we need to maintain an accelerated, or at the very least a steady pace at all times when the going is good? Why the disappointment when the pace eases up, when we need to slow down? I think maybe it is the fear of regression or of missing out that is the true struggle. Times like this i need to switch from feeling a failure to accepting that there is a season and rhythm for every part of life, a time and a purpose for every activity under heaven. And if that is so, then i am not missing out on the rose in winter, but merely accepting that she appears only in summer. Yes, slowing down isn't regressing. And going with the flow sometimes means letting go of the heaven i build around my expectations to really be able to make a heaven with the actualities i find on earth.

Fading Vision

2009-06-25T17:02:00.006+08:00

you are strong

like me
my twin flame
we are daisies that flourish wherever we land
cats that always always
land on our feet
and depend on many senses
not just one
and mainly our heart
to not just survive but thrive

yes, i would stare hard at my precious gifts for the longest time

and etch every detail in my memory
and so know that you are taking in as much of your gift as you can

i think that's where my tears are coming from
a mother's heart
for another mother

~ for my darling friend Catherine who is slowly losing all ability to see due to Ocular Albinism..i know you will rise above this and turn the darknes into amazing light as your inner beauty always does, but i cry all the same for the Dark Nights of Faith in between now and then ~

Affirmation Versus Loving Admonishment

2009-06-22T11:10:00.005+08:00

The world seems full of duality. In seeing everything in duality we define life as as good and bad, pleasure and painful, united and separated. What if we see it as merely Ying and Yang? Two sides of the same coin? To walk away from the 'right' path and suffer pain, is it truly 'bad'? Or merely consciousness versus unconsciousness? We talk of pain being necessary for growth. We talk of darkness being necessary to appreciate light. How do we know the beauty of one end of the spectrum without allowing the other? I am on this journey now.

I spent 10 years in church faithfullly learning to see black vs.white, good vs.bad. Hearing messages of love balanced with admonition to stay on the path. But what is 'the path'? We see one man's ruin, but 10 years on he may be a totally different person, far more loving than before as a result of his suffering. The world will say he finally returned to 'the path'. But what if it was his own individual path from the start and the seeming deviation in my eyes was merely part of his road to take him to his personal destination. I may not prefer the same road but does that make that road 'wrong/bad'?

Both my husband and father are examples of men categorised as 'unwise'. And i was filled with pain looking at them from a duality view of 'good' vs 'bad' choices. But only after removing duality could i see that they both have their own wisdom and that life had to be that way for them and that no wrong road was ever wrong in the end. It was wrong for me in my shoes, but it need never turn out bad in the end IF we have love, affirmation and those walking alongside us who KNOW that each of us have Shadows we cannot escape and need not fear those shadows. Embracing those shadows, even if it be the trait of being slow to meet wisdom on her terms, is what makes us whole and connected to each other. How many times now have i frozen my opinions on my daughter's choices that seemed unwise to me only to be so glad later that i did. With my love and affirmation, what seemed a 'wrong/bad'poor' choice of hers turned out good BECAUSE she had me there to love her through it and that awakened her to meet wisdom eventually.

I am left wondering, after many years of having to be healed of the scarring effects of duality thinking in my childhood and later in church , if it's possible for there to be only messages of love and affirmation that AWAKEN consciousness rather than promote duality. And enlightened mind can easily see the words that sound admonishing but has hidden pearls in it, but simpler minds only see the admonishment and their hearts are not fed.

Even as i share this, i know that we are all different and while many can be happy with the encouraging messages framed in duality, my heart sees a need for these lovely messages to be also 'translated' in a non-dual affirming way for the too many people out there scarred by a century of ego-based upbringing and systems and are thirsty for affirmation after years of 'loving admonishment'. They can fly but are too afraid because they've been warned far too much of the 'dark side' they must beware of. Time to tell them - "Believe and Jump! Your heart is pure and that's all God sees. He won't let you fail because darkness and light are alike to him and even if you have a fall and get bruised, it's not the end. It's part of the adventure." No admonishment, just affirmation that erases all possibility of fear so they can dare to LOVE and LIVE their dreams.

Giving by Being Authentically Me

2009-06-17T18:22:00.005+08:00

I so liked this. I need to remember that the best giving i do is just being my true self.

No more, no less.

All else is just me being UNTRUE.

"What Are Your Gifts You Bring To The World?
by Catherine Love

What are your gifts you bring to the world? We each have gifts to offer; ways of being, skills, talents, personality traits and so on that arise naturally from our authentic selves. At times it's easier to focus on what we're missing, on our defaults, or on what we don't have in comparison to others. This perspective goes against our highest truth so depletes us and makes us feel small. When we become aware of what we do have to give we feel full and whole.

Sharing your gifts with others, no matter how small or large, is an expression of love and abundance. You might not be aware of what your gifts are, but know deep inside that you are giving whenever you interact with others from true self. It might be your welcoming smile that warms someone's heart, or your sense of humour that brightens their day.

Perhaps you have the gift of clear communication that makes connecting so easy, or a gentle touch that helps someone feel loved. Maybe you listen from your whole being so others feel truly heard. It might be a skill that you offer like organizing details, planning events, or researching subjects. You may have a talent for creating beauty through art, music or words. Whatever it is, acknowledge it and share it with the world."

The Natural Link

2009-06-16T20:16:00.007+08:00

Love in My Mother's Embrace

I will go into an open field.

There I will lay down upon the ground,

my arms open wide

and stare up at the sky.

I will see clouds forming shapes my mind cannot recognise.

I will smell the perfume of weeds and grass

crushed beneath my muscle and bones...

and while it will be familiar

it will bring no memory

of the hustle of my life

behind closed doors and concrete walls.

I will gradually see the colours around me

blend into each other...

sensing everything and yet nothing in particular.

And as I gradually dissolve

into nothingness of consequence

I will become

the very essence of the universe

~ an accepting abundant love.

When i am most overwhelmed, being out in nature so restores me. And i have heard the same of so many others who seem to gain a calming, restoring sense of well-being when they go to a place in nature that is greater than themselves. When i feel tired of my daily routine, a visit to the park refreshes me. When i am overwhelmed by endless caregiving, a trip to the forest in all it's wild disarray works better - almost as if my mind finally recognises something far greater than it can ever handle and backs off, leaving my soul the space it has been needing to finally breathe clearly.

The more 'lost' i feel inside, the greater the natural element i need to calm my inner tempest. Perhaps that's why the ocean is my ultimate soothing balm of nature. When i stand on the fringes of the ocean, i know there is no way i could ever be in control. My mind is defeated by the truth that i am finally facing a force so great, and a peace washes over my heart..of accepting that the mighty force before me is governed by a Love so great that it holds the ocean in place. Surely it is doing just as well, holding me.

Starting Over

2009-06-16T20:15:00.015+08:00

I've been thinking a lot about my relationships lately. In fact, i have spent the past year evaluating everything in my life.

I have questioned God. Family. Love. My marriage. My children. Everything. EVERYTHING.

It has certainly been an exhausting undertaking. Much like uprooting an entire garden and re-landscaping from scratch. Except it's an easier process when you aren't hanging on to any of the old plants in it. It's more difficult when you have existing plants you can't and don't want to get rid off. When it's a completely new garden patch, it's just blank soil. You can plant whatever, wherever you want. But a garden that is being re-done has plants that need to be carefully re-located or appropriately left where they are. I WOULD like to start over AS IF it's my first day on the planet except it's not - not when i already have existing relationships and along with them accompanying beliefs, values and responsibilities that cannot be merely discarded in pursuit of a new direction in my life. And so I've had to work through everything and rediscover the right place for the old plants in my new garden landscape.

Having spent the first 20 years of my life in an authoritarian setting, reacting and responding to the choices of those in charge of my wellbeing, i had developed a habit of looking outside myself for approval and acceptance before deciding if something was permissible or beneficial. But more often than not this had led me to spend a good many years tending to weeds and over-growth from choices that were more compromises than my true desires. Once i saw that clearly, i decided that this habit had to be the very first to go..even though it seemed to be the backbone of my belief system.

It was scary at first, going against all i had ever known. But gradually, with every breath that became lighter within me, it became easier. And gradually it also made easier the task of sifting out all the other parts of me that no longer fit into my new garden. I look back now with a sense of understanding to it all. No more hurts, regrets and guilt. I am no longer ignorant of the vital personal need to draw healthy boundaries even with the people i love most. And in fact, having the ability to define my own garden has allowed me to get better at giving others the space to define their own gardens too.

Yes, I've been thinking a lot about my relationships lately. In fact, i have spent the past year evaluating everything in my life. And today, i know exactly where i stand - at the threshold of a beautiful garden i can truly call my own, a haven for my God-given soul. I am comfortable in my own skin at last, for finally..it contains all that is genuinely ME.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” ~ Maria Robinson

Real Life Fairytales

2009-06-03T13:53:00.015+08:00

Why do we seem to think troubles mean the end of a fairytale or that because of troubles and pain, there are no fairytales in real life?

We have selective amnesia.

It's part of every fairytale - the poisoned apple, evil stepmothers, dragons and ogres. But we tend to forget all that and just remember the happy starts and the happy-ever-after endings. I think we could all benefit greatly from reminding each other of the "betweens" in fairytales. To be unscared to proclaim that difficult parts exist alongside and before the eventual happy ever afters. Because once we can accept that fairytales have troubled parts, we can then accept and reinstate the magic of fairytales in our minds. We then gain the amazing power of once more allowing ourselves to believe that we can have the happy endings our hearts long for.

And for days when we can't look to fairytale Cinderella and the bullying she endured for inspiration to keep believing in a happy ending, we can turn to all the real men and women of history who made it through doubt and persecution to their dreams. Men like Gandhi and Albert Einstein. Women like Florence Nightingale and Oprah Winfrey. It's all too easy to see their successful dreams, or their 'easy' lives and forget their difficult 'betweens'. We forget and thereby deny ourselves the gift of believing that somehow the power that sustains all life - the great Universal Love - is also able to take us, just like them, to our happy ever afters IF we just keep on believing.

Yes, I will still have pain, but I don't need to believe it's the end. From now on I'm going to build my fairytale muscle, and Cinderella's wise words are a good start: "No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dreams that you wish..will come true."

Companionship for a Healthy Heart

2009-05-26T09:22:00.018+08:00

"Unconditionally loving yourself means allowing yourself to develop loving relationships where mutual cooperation, not competition or contention, becomes your daily reality." - Owen Waters

There was a pot in the garden with a lotus in it. The lotus wasn't very healthy so it was taken out and the pot drained of all the rotten leaves and roots and sediments. When the pot was pristine, fresh water was poured in. And when the last ripple settled, it was pure peace in that pot. Clean, fresh and still. And the lotus was lovingly returned to the pot. It was happy now. And grew to be very healthy indeed.

All the cleaning was tiring.

All the sediments were rotten and stank.

But the cleaning was eventually done. The dirt was all cleared out and never seen again.

And that was that.

Sometimes, my life is like that pot. I have frustrations, hurts and fears that lay rotting at the bottom of my heart. I seem fine on the surface. I laugh, i smile and i carry on as usual. But the sparkle is gone from my eyes and i start to feel more tired of everything i do, including all that i actually love doing. It is then that i need to clean my pot. But i delay and postpone. I know that i will have to deal with rot and stench, so i procrastinate. Believing even that perhaps someone who loves me enough will do it for me. I even pray for God to do it for me. Yet the pot is my own heart, and no one truly has access to change it's health but me.

But being the only one able to do the job isn't the same as actually doing the job alone. Just because i can't have someone do it FOR me doesn't mean i can't have someone WITH me while i'm doing it. I certainly can gain from the company of someone who can give me relevant gardening tips or just someone to have a good chat with and distract me from focusing on the worst parts of the rot i'm removing. Sometimes, just someone who knows how to mix a refreshing lemonade works magic. I suppose whether i truly need or will accept company depends on whether i feel brave enough to expose the filth i am getting rid off, and the actual severity of the accumulated rot. Who wants to air dirty laundry? But even when we do get brave enough to, lesser still are the people willing to view it.

If you have ever hitch-hiked, you would have learned, like me, that often only the oldest cars and the shabbiest people ever stop. Scary as it may seem to accept offers from such people, it's also that these people are probably the ones who can most empathise with having to make a journey on foot through rough roads. And so in times of heart-cleaning episodes, i find it is the equally wounded or those that recall having been as wounded who are most willing to accompany me. I guess this must be the concept behind support groups for those in need of emotional healing. It's a circle where everyone accepts that we all get dirty through life. So we can just be done with the damaging habit of judging everyone including (and often mostly) ourselves, and get on with the far more rewarding habit of affirming and encouraging each other forward through the muck.

My heart is very much like a pot hosting a lotus plant. And any pristine pot, as long as it hosts a growing organism in it, will eventually need to be cleaned of organic decay. It's nature and i don't need to be embarassed by it. The cleaning process is never truly pleasant, but as awful as the accumulated sediments can get, it all goes away for good the moment i let go. My heart is then refreshed, and i can once again view life with the quiet peace and joy of a lotus in full bloom. And while it's true that i'm the only one who can clean up my heart from it's contaminations; a beloved, a kindred or just a kind soul to accompany me through that process without judgement really does make a difference. And so, in my quest for a healthy heart, i'm building more affirming relationships in my life. Because although i can't have someone create a healthy heart for me, i can certainly create a circle of affirming hearts around me while i'm doing it. And also because i like lemonade and a nice chat.

Wisely Carefree

2009-05-12T13:03:00.005+08:00

When i was a child, i was naive. That innocence made it possible for me to try dangerous things, live in the moment free of care and dream anything. Almost. I was more self-conscious and afraid than most kids as i was a deeply sensitive child. So my carefreeness was always a tad moderated. But i see in my comrades who were far more carefree than me as kids, an equal struggle and inability to remain childlike as the years have progressed.

Why have i gradually lost the ability to dream and to believe in those dreams enough to make them happen? It's ironic. When i was a kid i was always limited by my size, my understanding, my finances, my relationships. I couldn't wait to grow up and get beyond personal limitations and explore the world's menu. Yet now that i am a grown up, i find myself still limited. But by what?

I think by my own perceptions.

We grow up and learn a mountain is a mountain, label it as a tough climb and then stack up logical reasons why we can't do it after all. So we don't start the climb and shelve even the dream of climbing. Can't do it so why dream about it? But then a kid who doesn't do logistic studies and climbs the mountain with carefree enthusiasm, unprepared for altitude challenges and climate adaptation requirements will also fail to get over that mountain.

Childhood is a time of innocence, but is accompanied by ignorance due to that innocence. Adulthood is a time of knowing, but is accompanied by fear due to that knowing.

And so i begin to see that perhaps it is marrying innocence with knowledge that makes mountains conquerable.

Somewhere in life, after collecting enough years of innocence and enough years of knowing is a fulcrum point of balancing the two and reaching blessed equilibrium. An equilibrium that merges the ability to dream like a child with the ability to skillfully use available resources and knowledge gained from life experiences to overcome our feared obstacles and perceived limitations. Wise Carefreeness is what makes dreaming possible again as adults. And Wise Carefreeness is what makes those same dreams come true.

The next time i feel intimidated by logical reality in my adult mind, or regret not being able to feel impulsive with a child's heart, i am going to take a step back and affirm myself with this truth: i have lived long enough as a child and as an adult to finally be Wisely Carefree which is really the ability to combine the best of both heart and mind.

And since i am no longer a limited kid nor a scared adult, i can at last personally afford whatever the world has to offfer on it's amazingly endless menu of possibilities.

The Power of Letting Go

2009-04-25T09:21:00.016+08:00

It appears to me that men get lost in the roles they play competing with one another in their quest to succeed and gain personal worth. Women on the other hand seem to get lost in the roles we play in the relationships we build, in our equally important quest to find personal value.

In either case, getting lost in our roles and finding our identity in them is perhaps what makes us feel so empty in the end. Roles are jobs. Categorised tasks. I wonder why we think our worth is tied to how well we perform these categorised tasks.

My heart does not rejoice when a friend or lover can carry out their job to perfection. My heart rejoices when someone cries with me, when they laugh wholeheartedly or throw me off balance with their gentle touch on my shoulder or squeeze of my hand.

These are not categorised tasks and are basic to every soul. It's why people love babies who, hopeless to perform any job well, are still experts at just living in the moment and by loving intuition. They watch ants crawl by with fascination and reach out to grab your nose without thinking too much about whether it's accepted protocol. They live from their heart every waking moment. It's all they know. To just be, because they haven't yet fallen to the pressure of doing anything to be a success, and to be accepted.

So i come back to me. And all my roles and tasks that i start off doing with love, with passion and then it all fizzles out. I find myself exhausted from the giving, from the routine, from the constant juggling. And every relationship i build to break away from the humdrum seems to eventually add to the miles i need to walk. Men go from Hero to Zero. Women i guess go from Goddess to Grumps.

I need to let go and just be. I am after all called a Human BEing and not a Human DOing. But sometimes that only happens when i actually break down. I don't enjoy breaking down though. As cleansing as it can prove to be, i would like to learn to walk on an open path towards light and not always through a dark tunnel.

I think when a Goddess realises she CANNOT anymore, it is not weakness. It is wiseness.It is how she can continue to gain power to remain a Goddess while other women keep going believing they are one and break down ♥

When i forget who i AM

and find myself continously

mothering

partnering

homemaking

one task after another

one thought after another

and i find that i can no longer even choose

to pause and breathe

without a conscious effort

then i have lost myself in the roles i play daily

and i need to quit

and just

ENJOY

I will rejuvenate the waters of my soul

just watching grass bend over while a breeze blows by

knowing at that moment my spirit

is in that blade of grass

the same spirit in the wind

seeing the truth

that i am more than the sum of my parts

and to rest from all i have to do

is not weakness

and is not escape

but a return

to all

i am

truly

meant to be.

Hope and Affirmation

2009-04-17T13:53:00.009+08:00

Hope is the willingness to stay and wait for rain in a part of the desert where everyone else has left for greener pastures. It is believing that - despite everyone's else skepticism, criticism and disbelief - the God who made the desert and allowed the draught will eventually also send showers.

But hope is also behind the ability to leave the desert, believing that there are greener pastures and not only deserts even though that's all that meets the eye for now, and that God will guide them to it.

So what is hopelessness then? I see it as those who debate and argue about whether to stay or leave the desert and take it to the damaging step of discouraging both those who have chosen to stay or leave by casting doubts rather than affirmations.

Which is why i have learnt to value affirmation and encouragement above all else in human relationships. If i do not have 5 people around me whom i can affirm and be affirmed by at any one time, I make every effort to find them. It's the only way i can live a continued Life of Love.

Baring It All

2009-04-16T14:40:00.005+08:00

I stumbled upon this poem today. It is so vivid, the way the poet paints a picture of how to bare our emotions and souls. Who hasn't had vulnerabilities and complexities in a romantic relationship? I certainly have and can completely relate to this masterpiece and it's message about the freedom to love again...

Emotinal Nudity by Danyel Hunte Fludd

Take your soft and loving hands and
Remove the mantle of mistrust from my shoulders.
Softly unbutton the silken gown
Of regret from my skin.

Come my love and remove the veil
Of heartache from my face and
Kiss these lips that were ordained only for you.

Confiscate the jewels of deception from
My arms neck and ears-discard my fears.

Feel the fabric of the chemise
Of my misgivings and set me free from it..

Kiss my naked shoulders honeyed with newfound faith
Liberated from doubt and the threat of neglect and obscurity.

My darling go further south and
Remove the thongs of this world's
Hatred and prejudice from my hips and slide
Them slowly down to the floor where they can be no more.

Undress me until I am stripped bare of
The world's evil and tainted essence until like
The day of my birth, I emerge beautiful untouched- unpoisoned.

Let this nude son and daughter of Adam & Eve stand
Before you liberated from the negative-
Pure and positive and free to melt into your loving embrace.

"Fear wraps our bodies in clothing--Love allows us to stand Naked" ~ Neale Donald Walsch

Spring Cleaning

2009-04-14T14:18:00.008+08:00

Spring cleaning. I'm spring cleaning. All the clothes my girls have outgrown are being reorganised and the littlest ones are being given away. I have no more little ones coming along to wear them. I keep some of the nicer ones and definitely some baby clothes that have too many precious memories attached. They have kept three of my infants protected and sometimes just plain pretty and i want to hold them when my girls will be too old for me to cuddle close to my heart.

It's so easy to spring clean children's clothes. They don't fit very well anymore in a highly visible manner. Not so easy to do the same for adult clothes and for the items in my home that never expand or shrink in size to make them a physical misfit.

Which makes me wonder, how much have i outgrown? And more importantly, how much of them are still lurking around me? If i could put them on, like a child putting on a shrunken sweater, wouldn't i look rather ridiculous? Uncomfortable at the very least.

So i decide to go through everything - photographs, clothes, books, paintings, appliances, letters, cards, shoes, cutlery. EVERYTHING.

And as i go through it all, i find myself walking down memory lane for each thing i hold - something i didn't want but had to take, something i really wanted but ended up having a fight about, something i thought i liked but hardly ever used, something i really really don't want to be near because i really can't stand THAT memory. So much of me is in all these items, but not necessarily a good side of me. And that's when i realise that i have outgrown my weak moments, bad memories, mistakes, failures and even regrets. And all the things that have some form of connection or symbolism, even in the most minute way, to any of these negativities that i have outgrown - i must let go off and i put them away gladly.

Some items in my pile are items i have had fond memories of and have a tough time saying goodbye to. Much like a favourite dress my daughter can no longer wear and passes on to her younger sibling with a sigh. I have to part ways with them simply because they are no longer relevant where i am heading to from this point on. So i say 'thank you' and put them away with resolution.

And when the time comes to finally and permanently remove these items from my home, i find a great space left in my closet, on my shelves, in my rooms. But most of all in my heart.

My heart is lighter. Very much lighter.

I think it's the relief of putting the negative trophies of my past permanently behind me.

I think it's also the excitement of having gained the freedom in my life for many new possibilities - within and without.

But most of all, it's finding myself, at last, living completely in my NOW and along with this powerful change, all the space i need to usher in a fresh season of my life.

Off Days

2009-04-03T15:08:00.007+08:00

Some days, i feel quite empty. I know i can write, i could talk to someone, i could read , i could even watch an interesting movie..but i don't. For some reason, i just feel far too distant, or too drained to do any of them, and instead i do... laundry. I sweep the floor, wipe the counter top and put away the dishes.

I get on facebook and i go blank. So many people around me and yet i feel...lonely.

All the people, places, things... they all become an overwhelming conglomerate of needs and feelings and mish-mashed energy sources and drains.

These are days i think that my heart is warring with my mind and I'm not taking sides.

These are days when it's someone outside of me - a friend,a lover, a stranger even - touches my heart and then suddenly the balance shifts. A smile, a picture, an affirmation or just plain being in the presence of someone else who is following their heart frees me to feel again. My heart wins, and my mind surrenders it's programmed hold on me.

This is the human touch. The power of LOVE.

It is the reason why i need to stay connected to the people and the world around me, if only for the days when i lose touch with myself. But i think also, to be available for the days when those around me get derailed and need help with their heart-mind battles too.

Growing Pains

2009-03-30T06:57:00.007+08:00

If i were never defeated, I would never know how to get up
If i were never grieved, i would never know how to soothe the pain and survive through it
My pain makes me human enough for my heavenly soul to touch the earth..
and connect to others around me meaningfully.

So if my wish is to connect with others and be a part of the whole - surely..
I will experience pain. But not as a punishment or as a torture.
Merely as a means to gain a greater space in my heart..for more than just me.

Love.. has so many faces. I'm still learning them all.

I don't have to know it all..

2009-03-25T14:47:00.011+08:00

I spent my early years of mothering trying to answer every childish question. My daughter was new to the planet and naturally had a healthy dose of curiosity. However, she is hitting 9 this year and i have no one but myself to blame for her tendency to question everything. But that's still okay really. It's that she just shoots off questions without thinking whether it's worth asking or not that irks me. When my second daughter developed the same annoying tendency, i knew i had to do something to keep sane.

And that's when it dawned on me that in life, it's not whether i have all the answers. Because like my kids, i could be asking useless questions and filing away unnecessary information. And then i also realised that it's not actually possible to have all the 'right' answers because the world and it's thousand variables keep evolving, and lately at an alarming rate too. I can't keep up anymore. And honestly, i don't think my kids could or should either. After all it's not exactly that impressive to walk around with a smug know-it-all attitude because on most days, people aren't really even asking.

And that's when it really hit me. Who's asking? Asking. Questions. QUESTIONS.

Suddenly it became clear to me that it doesn't matter as much how good i am at giving answers as it is for me to be able to ask good questions.

If i can ask good questions, i won't have to worry about information overload. Not if i can ask myself how much i really want to know and more importantly, why i need to know that much. I won't have to feel out of place. Not if i know how to ask the people around me interesting and enlightening questions about them to learn what makes them tick so i can adapt better. I won't have to worry anymore about feeling unloved. Not if i can ask myself how i really want to feel valued and know the right way to ask others for the affirmation i need. Asking good questions suddenly appears to be a far more fetching skill than having good answers tucked away for a rainy day.

Naguib Mahfouz aptly hit upon the same discovery i had made when he said, "You can tell a man is clever by his answers. You can tell a man is wise by his questions."

Indeed. I wonder if Mr.Mahfouz stumbled upon it after his nerves were shot by over-zealous children as well.

Anyway, so these days i've stopped scrambling to find all the answers in life to pass on to my children, or for myself for that matter. I've quit trying to teach them all i know. Instead, i ignore them if they ask bad questions and ask them specific open ended questions in reply to their good ones. After all, my best lessons in university were taught by teachers who asked the better questions. I think now that maybe both my children and i are better off developing self awareness of our own needs and requirements, which can only come from being able to honestly ask oneself and the world, tough yet meaningful questions.

I did have some resistance when i first unleashed my Socratic method on them, but they seem to have caught on quite well. I think they may even come and thank me much later in life. Maybe even sooner than later because i do now recall overhearing my second daughter stopping herself in mid-question just the other day to say, "never mind, i won't ask bad questions." That seemed pretty self aware to me. And yes, i don't get so irked anymore. Mission accomplished.

There is no failure. Only feedback.

2009-03-18T16:18:00.007+08:00

“Memories are reminders of what God has done and where we could have done better.” ~ Ravi Zacharias

Reading this is intimidating to me. It makes me feel that memories are scary things..like a strict old school teacher who brandishes the cane instead of encouragement for mistakes made. I have no problem with the God bit. It’s not hard for me to believe that the Universe, a Higher Force, the Great Spirit – whatever you relate to most - does have a hand in our days. It is looking at what I could have done better that I have an issue with. That disciplinarian approach to life. It feels highly judgmental. It carries a wrong versus right, good guy versus bad guy connotation that I no longer feel is the truth of my world after all.

What if all that I could have done better was exactly what I needed, so that I could be where I am right now? Given my unique set of circumstances and life experiences, what exactly is 'better'? Do I compare to my own standards or someone else’s? The fact that I made a judgement call in the past and that I have come this far must mean that I did what best I could AT THAT POINT IN TIME. Why even revisit that moment to salvage working parts? The way I see it, if I can look at the same situation and see a different path from the one I took – it means I have grown or changed or evolved somewhat. So it also follows that my past decisions could never have been better because I would not have been the wiser me now, back then.

I see no point in looking back in judgement. Today is all I have. Tomorrow, some events today would have helped me evolve even more.. enabling me to make different decisions for the same situation I meet today because tomorrow.. I will be wiser than today. So I can never really use yesterday's scenarios as a truly worthy yardstick for my tomorrows. By tomorrow, most if not all, the possible variables in the situation would have changed, including me.

I think I would rather go by the belief that “There is no failure. Only feedback.” I am more comfortable with that. It’s encouraging. It’s building. It’s affirming. And most of all it’s freeing. My memories then become fuel that I can easily burn up and use to power up my todays. They have no hidden regret or guilt attached to them. What I could have done better in the past then just becomes a neutral experiment, an experience, which provides me with relevant feedback. So I don’t get hung up on the fact that I made a bad choice then and need to avoid more bad choices in the future. Instead, I can wake up every morning truly believing it’s a brand new day, just like the day I was born because I no longer ever need to fear making bad choices. After all, there is no failure. Only feedback.

Loving Boundaries

2009-03-17T16:16:00.008+08:00

I get very drained by relationships where i cannot be genuine and authentic. So in order to love well the people who do matter to me, i need to let go of those who drain me of my ability to be true to myself. They may not understand why i need to let go, but i send them love and peace that someday they will understand in their heart that my choice was never against them, but because i am being honest with my own limited capabilities in that relationship. I cannot love halfway. It is all or nothing. To love halfway in any relationship would dilute my ability to give all and well in another.

That's just the way i was made. I do no one a service by going against it.

The Magic of NowHere

2009-03-17T09:59:00.007+08:00

I have a knack for being able to see through clutter, superficiality and cosmetics to find value amidst it all. Some part of that was inborn, and gaining an Accountancy degree probably helped fine tune it. There were two lessons i learned from my accounting degree. Firstly, the principle of substance over form and secondly, to convert data into useful information for the end user or purpose. I did not become an accountant, the industry itself was too left brained for me in the end. However, i have successfully applied those two life changing principles in my personal life and the life of those in my orbit.

Seriously, rummaging through receipts in a shoebox to make useful sense out of them to avoid a taxation penalty or audit disaster is much akin to sorting out the myriad of emotional bombarding people and life hurl at you and turn it all into something purposeful. It's also useful to avoid information overload and see through foolishness as well as hurtful situations to find your personal pearl of wisdom where you least expect it.

And so i actually got something amazing from watching The Love Guru. (Of course i recommend watching it with someone who can really laugh as a prerequisite for being able to endure Mike Myers for that long). I learned that you can go from being NOWHERE to being NOW HERE.

Corny? On the surface,it's downright shoddy. But I've had enough practice seeing substance over form.

Applying it to my own life i see that i do tend to live in limbo dwelling on what i should have done or what i should be doing. What i could have done and what i could be doing. Very rarely do i actually enjoy what i am doing RIGHT NOW. I live for the most part like an automated cyborg. I have all my task programming for the day in my head and somehow, i keep thinking that when the weekend comes - THEN i'll enjoy my days doing what i enjoy. Thing is the weekend rolls around and by then i have become so habitually task programmed, only something that truly makes me a fish out of water, like a wedding celebration or a class reunion where it is a completely unfamiliar setting, can actually make me snap out of my programmed mindset and enjoy the actual moment.

Now this implies that when i am in my daily element, i am less likely to actually enjoy my life and words like Boredom, Distracted, Unfocused and even Trapped can all become relevant adjectives. Bottom line is, i can see how i have been ending up feeling so unhappy. So wistful for a better life sometimes.

All the while my better life is right underfoot.
Except i can't see it because i am looking either to what i enjoyed in my past or what i can enjoy in my future.

And so, i think Guru Pitka has given me a very simple word play to remind me of the powerful life magic of BEing in the NOW.

What if i could press the Reset button on my mind and pretend I just arrived on the planet? Start fresh as if it's my very first day here. No regrets, no worries and most of all - no preconceptions of what life is. If i were born today in the full capacity of my current mental and physical faculties, what could my life be like right here and now? I would have no previous mental programming so i would have to go by intuition, by following my heart.

I'm going to laugh when i can and cry when i must.
I'm going to look for silver linings in everything.
I'm going to start living everyday like it's my first.

I'm going to give a serious shot at going from being Nowhere to being Now Here.

Love is... transforming.

2009-03-15T08:50:00.006+08:00

My cousin's engagement party last night was a traditional engagement with ceremony and protocol . Almost a wedding it was. But what stood out was the end of the ceremony. With our family being predominantly Hindus and the engagement being a highly Charismatic Christian ceremony as the boy's side are Christians, it was high religious tension and an open minefield of possible exploding judgments. But after all the stifling protocol, my cousin brother made the most marvellous speech about how proud he was to have a sister who has turned out amazing, how much they love her and how happy they are to be welcoming her beloved into their family as he has made their sister so happy and is a great bloke all on his own, how their dad was definitely looking down and smiling, and finally how everyone present meant something because they had come with love and in the end that was what really mattered. Such a fitting finish to an event intiating the process of uniting two lives and two families. Everyone's hearts that were so trapped in Egoic protocol just a moment before that..melted. It was a miracle. It was so powerful the love coming from him..my cousin started crying and her mom and sister too. And their love..it just undid everyone.

I live for moments like that. When i can see people just really being themselves from their heart..unscared.

I see my generation doing more of that. Are we losing our culture? We certainly aren't as bothered to preserve all the protocol that have "rank and file reminder" display written all over them. We are far happier to have meaningful ceremony without the elements that confine people into set roles. I think we are evolving our culture, not losing it or even worse, diluting it as our elders live in fear of us doing. We are more than happy to carry the costumes, the settings and the minor protocol that make us uniquely us without confining our identities. And so i believe we are not diluting, but purifying our culture by carrying into the future only those elements that will keep it relevant and heartfelt ...possibly the reason people invented ceremonies in the first place. As a genuine expression from their hearts rather than convenient guidelines of behaviour to masquerade behind. So perhaps, after all these years, last night i saw an amazing transformation that will set the pace for years to come for my generation. That we live unashamed of being true to ourselves. We are proud of where we have come from, but we are not trapped in our past. Our pride is of gratitude not superiority, so we are not ruled by the fear of losing our positions in the great scheme of things.

Perfect Love drives out all fear.

"Where there is no love, put love, and then you will find love." ~Mother Theresa

I would rather choose love over preserving cultural protocol any day. Because the latter can exclude love, as i have seen growing up, but the former has a way of making the protocol actually meaningful, as i saw last night.

Yes, living from the heart is... transforming.

Liberty Rose - A Battle of Love

2009-03-11T16:07:00.010+08:00

It always hits us so hard to see children ill..they are just starting out..why should they go through so much pain? And yet, look at Liberty Rose. She has defied odds maybe by simply being a child and not being able to dwell on negative thoughts about her challenge. With love given to her, she has seen only the daily joy of being cared for and lives to continue in that love. We see all she could be doing. She may only see all that she already has. In her gratitude is her positive attitude and so she fights unconsciously..responding to enormous love around her. Liberty darling, you remind me today to approach life like a child untainted by the memories of difficult times in this world. To receive love given to me and fight for the people who love me..so i can still be here to love them back. Darling, your name says it all. Freedom To Be. To merely BE and not be defined by what I have and haven't accomplished.

And as a mom, i can relate to those caring for Liberty..it isn't easy. I have a high need family and i wish some days that the world could understand that no matter how much i love the ones in my care, i get tired too. I fight guilt sometimes for wanting to have a break..and i fight guilt for mothering less than my ideals. So today as i send my love to Liberty, i send my love to her caregivers as well. I so know they need it. To Love themselves too and to have the power today to show obvious love to the older siblings as well. As understanding as they can be, it isn't easy for them either. A special needs family is always a balancing act between tough love and compassion, between acceptance and fighting. It is a blessing to gain and maintain that balance.

LOVE - it is the only power that can see us through the shadows without fear and with victory ♥ ♥ ♥

If you would like to show your love for Liberty Rose, you can go to

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=39502889219

Passionate With No Apologies

2009-03-10T14:05:00.005+08:00

I admire this woman for the way she is true to herself.

She hitched her dreams to a star as a child, worked to reach the skies and is now shining bright up in the ethers.

She is talented, fiery and stunning, yet down to earth and loving with a big heart.

Imperfect and yet unapologetic for it.

"She's a very good looking, very refined, very sophisticated woman but her spirit is of the people. She's a member, let's say, of the proletariat. And so she can, with all the spleandour of a beautiful woman, play roles that are opposite of the sophisticated. Even though she can seem neurotic at times or plagued by doubt, underneath it all she has a very earthy strength. It has something to do with her roots." Pedro Almodovar

Almodovar's description moved me... i now know why i am inexplicably drawn to her.

Like Penelope, even though i can be neurotic at times or plagued by doubt, underneath it all is a very earthy strength.

When i grow up, i want to be just like Penelope Cruz...passionate with no apologies for following my heart.

The Art of Living

2009-03-03T16:30:00.002+08:00

Every one has a WORD.

I first heard of this from Elizabeth Gilbert in her book EAT PRAY LOVE. I think it's possibly why one of the famous lines from the Gospel is "In the beginning there was the Word." That makes sense to me now.

Reading Elizabeth's Italian friend ask her "What's your WORD Liz?" was a life changing moment for me. I knew right then that I had to find MY Word.

I think maybe our Word can change as we evolve. I think maybe it's always the same underneath but can change, like a shadow does, until we find IT - the actual object forming that shadow.

My Word is HEART.

It can be rearranged as Earth ~H(Eart).

Heart. Earth.

Yes..to me it makes complete sense to live my life on this earth only one way ~ from my heart.

I am an Artist and my canvas is my life.

Love is... my inspiration.